Trouble Always Has a Door

fighting to see the good everyday

2008-08-28T22:59:00.001-07:00

little warriors
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor

My kids are the reason why I keep trudging forward everyday and keep fighting to find relief from chronic pain. They are worth enduring trial after trial of medication, side effects, weight gain...you name it. Lately I have had some sabatoge to my good days and I am fighting to focus & appreciate the good than the little things that some would continually point out is wrong w/me &/or my situation.

Some highlights today were: I went walking, the boys' friends came over and I loved asking them about their day, I enjoyed coffee w/ some friends, I had a good phone appt. w/ my neurologist, I made my 4th batch of homemade applesauce to freeze, I confronted a loved one and it was successful, I fought off destructive urges.

All in all, a highly successful day! Oh, and the kids started back @ school!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gluten-Free Sugar Cookies ala CD

2008-05-01T19:41:00.001-07:00

Since the oven was warm this evening from making home-made potato and sweet potato fries I thought I would make some cookies.

I did a quick search on the internet, it's always so handy to have the computer in your kitchen, and I came across an interesting recipe. I tweaked it quite a bit and even here the measurements won't be exact. Really, I'm just adding this for a reference next time.

Holy cow! I forgot the milk, no wonder they were a tad dry. Next time I will use Organic Unflavored Rice Milk!

Ingredients:
2/3 cup shortening
¾ cup sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla
1 egg
4 teaspoons milk
2 cups gluten-free flour mix (**see below**)
1 ½ teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon xanthan gum

Directions:Cream first 3 ingredients, then add egg and beat until light and fluffy. Stir in milk.

Stir together dry ingredients and blend into creamed mixture.

Divide dough in half and chill for one hour. Roll (slightly thick) out on lightly gluten free flour surface (You may need a little gluten free flour on the rolling pin if it sticks).

Bake on greased cookie sheet 6-8 minutes at 375F (I used parchment paper and just pulled off the parchment paper and let them cool on the parchment paper on a cooling rack).* Be careful as the cookies are fragile when warm.

I found that it took more like 10-11 min. to bake. The cookies weren't as fragile as I thought. Also, I didn't chill the dough. It stayed together quite nicely and I used a super sharp knife. My cookies were sort of in a rectangular shape. I wasn't going for looks, just taste! Also, I sprinkled some organic sugar on the top of the cookies before baking.

*My guestimation flour combo: 3 Tbsp. tapioca flour, 3 Tbsp. potato starch, 1/2 c. brown rice flour, 2Tbsp. rice bran, 1/2c. white rice flour, 1/2c. sweet rice flour

I might leave out the rice bran next time, but I like the idea of getting some fiber in my dessert!

Delicious Gluten-Free Blondies

2008-04-09T16:17:00.000-07:00

Last night I got invited to go play Bunko and was asked to bring a dessert. I had a Namaste Blondie Mix and decided to give that a try. I added a 9oz. bag of Sunspire Semi-Sweet Organic Chocolate Chips. They were so great. The bunko girls ate them all up. I will definitely make them again. In fact, I may figure out how to make it from scratch. The mix had all sweet rice flour and I have some of that. In the long run I think it's cheaper to make from scratch, but for a great treat in a hurry the mix is a must have!!!

Steps to Going Green

2008-04-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about steps we can take @ our house to go green. Today I went to the grocery store, I needed to buy the kids some more peanut butter. I decided not to buy a product in a plastic jar, but a glass one. I figured that glass is much more likely to be a recyclable item than plastic, at least overall.

We've talked about recycling glass, plastic and aluminum @ home for years. Where we live, we don't have curbside recycling. So today I got on my city's Freecycle page and but in a wanted add for 3 garbage cans that I can put on my back porch. Fortunately, the back porch is right off of my kitchen. Can't get any easier than that!!! I also e-mailed my out-of-town friend in hopes that she would put an ad in for me in her city's freecycling website. I really hope that in about a week or so something will turn up for me!!!

My "stay-at-home-job" is selling things on e-bay. I think that being a successful seller has inspired recycling in me. I love that things I don't want or use are usable to others. Things that I am not able to sell I either give away or take to the local Goodwill. I try not to treat anything like "garbage" but ask myself: can i sell this? could someone i know use this? is this goodwill worthy? or is it just plain garbage?

Today I thought about calling a friend and asking her what the title of the going green book she recently bought. Then I thought, why waste paper? The internet has tons of information and saves a tree.

Another step I've recently taken is to use one-sided paper I would have thrown away as printer paper. When I ship e-bay items it prints on a whole sheet of paper but you only use half to tape on their package. When I was going through files to sell on e-bay I found I had a huge mound of paper that needed to be thrown away. Thinking that it would be a pretty wasteful thing to do I started a big stack, at least to use for notepaper. Then I got the idea of putting the printed side up in my printer and using it for e-bay mailing labels. Haha, I think that's a genius idea!

Recently I ran out of bubble wrap to use in packaging breakable items. I go through the self-check out @ my grocery store regularly and all they offer is plastic bags. I always save the bags, but for what? It has turned out to be much cheaper using discarded plastic bags instead of bubble wrap in shipping my items.

If you stumble across this post please let me know some things you do to create less waste.

Pamela's Chocolate Chunk Cookie Mix - Wheat Free Gluten Free

2008-04-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

My oldest son (9 years old) started a dairy free diet about a week ago. He has been having a lot of stomache aches for about two months. I thought about taking him to the doctor but the pain comes and goes. Also, dairy intolerance runs in my family and there are some serious allergies on my husband's side. Taking him off dairy for a period of time as an experiment seems more realistic than wasting a $10 co-pay and have the doctor say "I don't see anything wrong....."

He's had a pretty great attitude about it. He likes taking responsibility for himself, in fact, he thrives on it. Also, he doesn't like his stomache hurting. He's remembered to tell people that he's with to check and see if there's dairy in it.

This morning was his first day back to school after Spring Break. He looked @ the lunch menu as usual and really wanted to buy. Today was cheese sticks. He was pretty bummed. We comprimised and I told him that if he does a good job staying off milk for about a month, then maybe next month when they serve cheese sticks again he could try it.

While we were making his lunch this morning, he was looking for some cookies or cake that were o.k. for him to have. So I made sure today that I would bake something special for him.

I am on a MSG/Wheat/Gluten/Dairy free diet myself. I bought some All Natural Pamela's Chocolate Chunk Cookie Mix. They are baking right now. The package doesn't say dairy free because they are made on the same machinery that products w/ milk are made, but there is no actual milk in the ingredients. Even the dough tasted great! I'll get the final thumbs up/thumbs down as soon as they cool down enough for the troups to eat.

Round Robin Photo Challenge

2008-04-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

I was checking out my friend's Suzanne's blog and saw that she entered a round robin photo challenge. I thought that might be fun so I had to enter!!

The topic is "your perfect scene captured."

I went on a trip to Rialto Beach State Park on the coast in Northern Washington State.

It is an amazing place. When we got there it was cold, damp and dark. Everything was black and white and you couldn't see farther than a few feet in front of you. Super heavy sea fog.

Then right before dusk the sea fog started burning off. I remember looking out at the ocean as a beautiful sunset started taking place. Whammo! Out popped this beautiful island, reminiscent of any fantabulous fairy tale. The only thing missing on this tiny island was a beautiful castle atop it.

Seeing this tiny island pop out was like a surprise birthday party. The kids and our friends, as well as myself....we were jumping up and down. "Hey look!" All day long we had no idea that such a beautiful lanscape existed right in our midst. Hopefully we will get to go back this summer.....

Super Gross gluten-free Chebe Cinnamon Rolls

2008-04-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

I bought a package of Chebe Naturally cinnamon roll mix in a bag from Whole Foods (Wild Oats). My daughter loves to bake so she mixed them up. They are gluten-free; yeast-free; dairy-free and allergen-free (don't know how you can say a mix is allergen free when people can be allergic to most anything..........)

Anyway, even though she is 12 she is quite the little baker. You can make them more light an airy by adding a tsp. of gluten-free baking powder.

Let me tell you, she should have done that.

They turned out looking like terds.

Seriously, they were gross and ugly. I took one very small bite. Horrible texture. Tasted a bit like cinnamon.

Trust me, I won't be buying them again. The piture on the packet looked great but nothing like ours turned out.

Just thought I'd save someone the trouble of buying them. I'm sure they're not cheap, I don't remember how much they cost.

Happy gluten-free baking!!!

Gluten-Free Apricot Bread

2008-04-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

Decided to whip up some Apricot Bread. I got the recipe from "The gluten-free gourmet" cookbook but have tweaked it as follows:

Ingredients:

1 c. organic apple/apricot babyfood

1/2 c. organic sugar

2 tablespoons non-dairy shortening

2 eggs

1 c. sweet white rice flour

1/2 c. brown rice flour

1/2 c. soy flour

1 TBSP. gluten-free baking powder by E N Er G

1/2 tsp. gluten-free baking soda

1 Tbsp. fresh grated orange rind

1/2 c. fresh squeezed orange juice

optional: 1 c. chopped nuts (i did not add nuts)

Directions: Cream sugar and shortening. Add eggs and babyfood. Mix well. Add dry ingredients. Bake in stoneware loaf pan 8" x 5". Bake @ 350 for approx. 45 min. The bread is best ripened overnight.

Just took it out of the oven and didn't wait long enough to cool. Inside and top separated from the bottom leaving the bottom inside the pan. I didn't grease/flour or spray the pan but its stoneware and my food usually doesn't stick to stoneware. It could be my flour combination i used (was supposed to be soy flour and all white rice flour).....

However, very very tastey and flavorful. Has a spongey texture and the sides and bottom were slightly crispy. Excellent texture and taste! Very yellow, probably due to the soy flour.

I will definitely make this again!!

Gluten & Dairy Free Rice Bran Muffins

2008-04-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

I ordered a new book called "The Gluten-Free Gourmet." by Bette Hagman. I haven't done very much baking in a year or so but now that I have eliminated wheat, msg and dairy I have seen an improvement in my mood and energy. So trying new gluten-free recipes is coming very easily.

This morning I made Rice Bran Muffins on page 40. My 12 year-old daughter said they tasted like fish. The 9 year-old boy liked them better w/ non-hydrogenated non-dairy margarine w/ honey. However, scarf-jaws, the 7 year-old boy w/ missing two front teeth scarfed them down in two seconds flat!

I preferred mine w/ the non-dairy margarine and honey. They were actually quite tastey if you put enough honey on them. I think next time I might try some finely chopped apple. The recipe said you could put raisins. But, considering that MSG is a naturally occuring process w/ anything aged/fermented/etc., I have not been eating things like raisins, prunes, etc. So no raisins for me!!!!!!!

This is the recipe I will try next time:

Ingredients:
1/4 c. brown organic sugar
2 TBsp. organic non-dairy shortening
1/3 c. sweet white rice flour
1/3 c. brown rice flour
1 TBsp. tapioca flour
2 TBsp. potato starch flour
2 tsp. gluten free baking powder
1/2 tsp. kosher salt
3/4 c. rice milk
1/2 c. rice bran
optional: 1/4 c. diced/shreded apple

Directions:
Cream together shortening and sugar. Add the eggs, beating after each one. Sift the flours together with the baking powder and salt. add to the egg mixture alternately with the milk. Stir in rice bran last, then apples. Bake in greased muffin tins in preheated 350 degree oven for 20-25 min. Makes 8 small muffins.

Gluten-Free Yellow Cake

2008-04-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog....
Long story short, the neurologist has had me go on an elimination diet again.
I've been experimenting w/ wheat & dairy free recipes.

Here's one for yellow cake:

1 cup brown rice flour
1/2 cup sweet rice flour
3/4 cup tapioca flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon xanthan gum
4 eggs
1 1/4 cups organic sugar
2/3 cup applesauce
1 cup rice milk
2 teaspoons gluten-free vanilla extract

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and rice flour 1 9x13" pan.

2. Mix the white rice flour, tapioca flour, salt, baking soda, baking powder and xanthan gum together and set aside.

3. Mix the eggs, sugar, and mayonnaise until fluffy. Add the flour mixture, milk and vanilla and mix well. Spread batter into the prepared pans.

4. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 25 minutes. Cakes are done when they spring back when lightly touched or when a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Let cool completely then frost, if desired.

I purchased some chocolate frosting in a mix. So to try the chocolate frosting I had to make chocolate cake! I found this recipe on the web but I have tweaked it.

Since I have also eliminated MSG, I don't eat anything w/ vinegar. That means mayonnaise. A quick tour of gluten-free recipes and I realized that they all call for mayonnaise. I have substituted with applesauce.

I haven't bought any gluten-free vanilla extract yet or baking powder. So I guess technically I haven't actually made a gluten-free cake. At least I will get a good idea if this is worth making again or not!!

Oh, my 9 year-old just started a dairy free diet, so my kids will be the final judge to see if I should use this recipe again!

Also, the original recipe called for 1 1/2 c. rice flour. I purchased some sweet rice flour so decided to divide it up between brown rice flour (healthy) and sweet rice flour!!!

well, the cake was a hit! put on the frosting a little too soon before the cake was completely cooled. It was hard to spread and was melting

but

the frosting was still awesome and it turned all soft and creamy.

You would NEVER know that the cake was gluten/wheat free.

This was definitely a hit!!!!!!!!!!!!

MYANMAR - Monk leader U Gambira arrested

2007-11-15T21:45:00.001-08:00

MYANMAR - Monk leader U Gambira arrested
Originally uploaded by MONK JAILED aka factoryno

There has been a tugging at my heart, a longing and a yearning to go to the Karen refugee camps on the Burma/Thai border.

Why is it that we here in the West are sheltered from the needs of real people in S.E. Asia? Is it only me? Am I watching the wrong news?

Why was it that in the late '80's all I heard about was Cambodia?

Why did I think Asia's troubles were over after Vietnam?

Don't think that what's happening in Burma doesn't affect me, or that it doesn't affect you.

My children have Vietnamese cousins because of the Vietnam War and all of the immigration it spurred.

Will my Grandchildren be Burmese/Americans? Or Laos/Americans?

I don't want to be sheltered in my big warm house where I have too much food in my cupboards.

My heart is being tugged and pulled. I want to see these refugees with my own eyes and capture their beautiful faces with my own lens.

I want to share these images with you.

It is just not that far away.

To think that I was only a few hours away less than a year ago.

It's stunning.

I almost crossed the border.

If I had more time I would have crossed.

The Karen are beautiful people. Warm, caring, compassionate, beautiful, hospitable. They are like you and me. No, they are better. They are more generous even though they have less to give.

Tomorrow I will wake up and send my children off to school where they will consume too many papers, do crafts, learn music, use fancy electronics.

While a Karen child will sit on a bamboo slat floor w/ 100 other children and only one piece of chalk and slate to share between all of them.

Free Burma!

2007-11-11T21:10:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me this You-tube link.

Free Burma.

Burma needs Democracy. Now....

am i famous now?

2007-10-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

View Upload your own

and this: http://www.vail.k12.az.us/latestnews/fulldaykinder.htm

What it was like for some detainees in Burma

2007-10-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

I don't watch very much t.v., and if I do it is not the News. It seems like most of the news I read is in my local newspaper or what I see on the screen on my yahoo homepage.

Here's the e-mail I got from my savvy friend, then I checked out the following link. It won't take much of your time so I encourage you to click on the link at the bottom of the post.

"Hey there,

I just thought I would pass along this article. It does a very good job telling what it is currently like inside Burma, and also the conditions the detainees faced.

From what our casual research has shown, there are still hundreds, if not thousands of monks, unaccounted for... The 1998 military crackdown by this government was much more bloody than Tiennaman Square, but of course, it happened in much more darkness.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21448379/page/2/

It's important to note that many young men in Thailand and Burma go through Buddhist Monk training. You could say it would be similar to a "right of passage" or what Mormon young men do in early adulthood.

Look closely at the picture at the top of the post. You can see the monks taking their morning alms are YOUNG MEN. It would be my guess, and I am guessing, that it is and was YOUNG BUDDHIST MEN who are protesting the Myanmar Military Dictatorship.

Here's more:

http://www.thestar.com/News/Ideas/article/264116#
"MONKS OF ACTION

Pictures of Buddhist monks shaking their fists at riot police in Myanmar (formerly Burma) have landed on the front pages of North American newspapers and scrambled some Western stereotypes.
These are not the blissed-out meditators of Western imagination. Generally pacifistic, but far from passive, Buddhists have a long history of social activism in Asia.

Monks held court with ancient Tibetan kings, and in Japan, lay Soka Gakkai Buddhists bankrolled their own political party.
"I think we misperceive Buddhism as a sort of stereotypically quietistic and world-renouncing religion, which has never been the case," says Donald K. Swearer, a visiting professor of Buddhist studies at Harvard Divinity School.

In Myanmar, many young men join the monkhood, which counts some 400,000 members, for a short time and maintain close ties to mainstream society. As society's moral exemplars, they work to alleviate the suffering of others.
That's why they took to the streets in droves last month to protest rising fuel prices.

Dissident groups in Myanmar say some 200 protesters have been killed, according to The Associated Press, and more than 4,000 have been rounded up and imprisoned.
When Buddhism was imported to the West, Americans favoured a more individualized Buddhism, concentrating on meditation and personal discipline.

The rising profiles of the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hahn have sparked a more socially engaged Buddhism in the West."

from: Religion News Service
http://www.thestar.com/News/Ideas/article/264116#

Road Trip and a Bit of History

2007-10-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Took a roadtrip today. To get to this spot from my house takes about an hour, slightly less. Clearly, it's worth the drive. My goal in going up to the mountain was to get a nice portrait of it w/ some Fall foliage. I had taken many shots before this one, but when I got to this Viewpoint I knew I had nailed it!

You are looking at the North/Northwest flank of the volcano. The north side completely sluffed off into the biggest landslide in recorded history. You may have seen some ash in 1980. Even though I lived so close the winds blew East and went around the world before dumping on my hometown. I remember riding my bike w/ a dust mask on!!!!

Also, straight below you can see some water, that is where the Toutle River starts, which flows into the Cowlitz River, which flows into the Columbia and then the Ocean. If it weren't for the dikes around where I live our town would have flooded.

I don't think you can see a steam emmision here but there was a tiny one while I was there. The mountain has been active again since Oct. 2004.

This photo was taken from outside the official Mt. St. Helen's National Volcanic Monument area but is still within the Blast Zone as you can tell if you look Large.

This was a place that I visited often until the eruption. My parents took my brother and I camping up here, we fished in Spirit Lake (which is no more) and we picked wild huckleberries to put in our pancakes. We would pick so many we'd have to freeze them.

Just a bit'o history today folks.....

Message from Chiang Mai Thailand & the Myanmar Border

2007-10-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

Hey Mary Ann,

I'm glad you sent me your blog. Most of the staff who work here at Ban San Fan are Karen and I have been to vist two of their homes. The Karen people are some of the most generous people I have ever met and those I work with are continualy blessing me. Ro's family, who I had the privilege of visting two weeks ago, all came from Burma (Myanmar). Her parents moved to
Thailand when they were around my age (mid twenties) and Ro was born in Thailand. They still live fairly closs to the border. We went to vist Ro's family for her friend's wedding (I'm sending a few pictures).

All the time I was there, as an on looker of both their joy and their (very real life), I was treated with the greatest of kindness. The Karen people are truly a beautiful people. I join you in your prayers for them.

God bless,Danielle

P.S. I am also sending a picture of some rice filds in a valley near Ro's home that I took with you in mind because you wanted one so much in January. I hope you like it.

***Danielle was one of the people that went on our mission trip in january 2007. She loved it so much that she went back in may 2007 for a year. She is helping @ an orphanage in Chiang Mai called Ban San Faan.

Chiang Mai is near the border of Myanmar (Burma) and there are refugee camps along that border, please go to Partners Relief and Development for more information.

***All photos taken by Danielle or Ro.

National Do Not Call List

2007-10-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

National Do Not Call List

Rumor? Just heard that cell phone #'s will be given out to telemarketers. It is very easy to register all of your phone #'s online. ****UPDATE*** Checked the do not call website and it states that it is illegal for telemarketers to call cell phones. However, I listed my cell phone anyway! The last thing I want is getting these types of call on my cell!!!****

You can also do it by phone but you have to call from the phone that you are registering. The # is 888-382-1222.

It is very easy and only takes seconds. I had registered my home phone a few years ago but not I'm getting LOTS of calls so I re-registered.

If you are registered and after 30 days companies are still calling you, go to the National Do Not Call website w/ that companies name and/or phone #.

Please feel free to link this post and forward it to all of your friends! None of us wants telemarketers calling our cell phones as you will be billed for receiving the call.

The Real Burma

2007-10-17T20:11:00.001-07:00

Hey friends! I just bought a book that I thought you all might want to hear about.

Did you know that the political dissidence happening in Myanmar (Burma) is nothing new? The Burmese millitary has one of the top land armies in the world. Know what they are doing with that land army? Oppressing their own people, and even more, they are systematically killing the Karen people.

Shocking?

Didn't know about it?

Well, thanks to the monks and the students protesting recently, the problem actually made it to the mainstream media.

Don't ask me why its been kept under cover for such a long time. I'm not political enough to know those answers.

However, I know that human life is much to precious for a people group to be exterminated. Unfortunately that type of behavior didn't end with the holocaust.

One of the highlights to our trip to Thailand was a visit to a Karen village. That is where we went on an elephant ride to a Karen church.

See, the Karen migrated from China, down into Burma, Thailand, Laos and Vietnam. In fact, there are more Karen people in Burma than Thailand.

Such a beautiful people. Such wonderful smiles and joy. To think that just a few hundred miles away from where I stood at this church were more beautiful people like these being forced to flee for their lives into refugee camps.

I met Steve Gumar a few years ago when he spoke @ my church about his ministry. He risks life and limb, going into the trenches of land mined areas with his helpers. They are like warriors communicating with walkie talkies or something like that....keeping each other posted on the millitary action that's taking place all around them.

On his website I read that a man he knew quite well was brutally murdered in April. You can read that story on his website. http://partnersworld.org/index.html

We can't know everything that goes on in the world. We can't save everyone. But we can pray, we can educate ourselves and we can care.

Again, what's happening in Burma has been going on for two decades or more.

I bought this book that Steve's wife wrote. I didn't even know she wrote a book! http://partnersworld.org/usa_cart/product_info.php?products_id=32

I bought a t-shirt too, a pink one. I thought it would be good to support his work there and that possibly people would ask about the shirt and then I could tell them what little I know about what's happening in Myanmar.

If i was a good spitter I could have spit on Myanmar soil last January.

This is a real place.

It is a real country.

These are real people.

They are suffering.

They are being persecuted.

They are being systematically destroyed.

The lucky ones make it to refugee camps but even these aren't safe.

I'm not asking you to save the world, nor do anything, just read about it. Know it's real and tell people about it.

Popularity Syndrome

2007-10-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

This morning I realized that my son is suffering from a not too uncommon disease called the POPULARITY SYNDROME. I have had many health problems but never this one. I can't recall anyone in my family having it although on his Dad's side there is at least one cousin who has enough symptoms to fit in this category.

It is causing him quite a bit of stress and anxiety. Often the symptoms of this disorder are quite easy for him to handle, and the first time we noticed the underlying anxiety that coincides w/ this disease was last school year. For my son, the hardest time to deal with the syndrome is at school. Primarilly, when the teacher lets the students pick their own partners. Everyone, or most everyone, shouts his name and waves his/her hand. They compete against each other for his attention in hopes that he will choose them for the "special" honor of being his partner.

My son tries and tries to cope with this situation, always hoping and praying that God will intervene into his plight by convincing his teacher to choose the children's partners for them. He is convinced that this will alleviate all the pressure and stress that mounts as the kids shout and wave at him.

This morning before school he was especially distressed about his disorder. We talked about many different aspects of the symptoms of this disease. In particular, the shouting, waving and yelling of other people around him. He was expressing his frustration and I could see in his face that he was really quite disturbed about the whole thing. Wanting him to feel validated, I told him that it would only be natural for a person to feel anxiety and be incredibly frustrated at the shouting, waving and yelling. I told him that he really should ellicit his teacher's help in trying to deal with this very real problem.

At that very moment, I realized the discomfort that one with this disorder suffers. I felt much compassion for him even though this was nothing that I, a poor humble person, had ever experienced. Just about the same time that I was having this realization he looked at me with a sorrowful face.

"You know what I do?" he said.

"No, what? Tell me!" I said with anticipation.....

"I pick the last person," he said.

"That's a great idea." I replied, quite shocked.

After he walked out the door for school I remembered this saying: The last shall go first and the first shall go last.

Wow, I thought. How often I think that the troubles in my life are meaningless, worthless, tiresome and irritating. But yet, so often they are used, if we allow them, to teach us lessons. Lessons, not only about ourselves, but about the human condition and how it relates to God.

"Just a child...." I thought. How did he know that this was God's own strategy at the spiritual competition that man pits against one another. Humbled again, as I so often am with the simplicity that children have, I was greatful. In that moment, I was greatful for my son's "syndrome" and all of the trials it would bring him, and the lessons too.

"Wait!" I shouted after him.

I gave him a hug and looked into his eyes. "You know what?! God has given you a gift. I'm sorry that it's hard," I said hugging him. "I know it's not easy. Please try to have patience with the others," I added, "and all the shouting and waving. And, it's o.k. to be frustrated. Just ask for help. Your teacher will help you, that's her job. Will you tell her how you feel?"

Really, I think that's the hardest part: the asking for help part. I guess I'll have to wait until he gets home from school to find out what the Teacher said. The teacher will help, I know it.....the good one's always do.

my voice 8/8/07

2007-08-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

I chose a new ear/nose/throat doctor that i will go see on thursday. I had to take three medicines which was really rough but i am done w/ them now. Just waiting to see what the next step is.....

where oh where have i been?

2007-07-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

Well folks, i've been tired. I've been wondering why.

I haven't been taking pictures, I've been wondering about that too.

I lost my voice, well it's very hoarse anyway. So, of course I've been wondering about that.

Last week I found out that I have a cyst on my left vocal chord the size of a quarter and it is causing it to be paralyzed. Why is there? I don't have a clue. I also have another cyst but i wasn't paying close enough attention and i don't know exactly where that one is or how big it is.

I am on three lovely drugs to see if they will help. Prednisone and a antiviral horse pill for 10 days and a double whammy antibiotic for twenty days.

Yesterday i had a cat scan of my chest. and monday i will have one of the soft tissue of my throat.

Today there is pressure in my right ear, it feels like it needs to pop. You know when your ear is plugged and you can hear your breathing bounce off the ear drum? Yuup, that's what it's like. Doesn't hurt though.

The cyst doesn't hurt either. It did, back at the end of May. Thought I had strep. But it doesn't hurt now. Just feels like I need to hock up a loogie all the time. That's the only thing the Doc said not to do: Don't clear your throat. Well, I didn't realize how much i was doing it until I had to start stopping myself!

That's all for now, I am very tired. I just don't have any energy.

the moral of the story here is THINK BEFORE YOU STEAL

2007-04-27T13:37:00.001-07:00

the moral of the story here is THINK BEFORE YOU STEAL
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

for fear of giving up blogging altogether i'm going to be become a photoblogger for awhile.

to find out more about this pic go here

http://flickr.com/photos/cameradawktor/sets/72157600135411462/

you're just a defenseless woman

2007-04-13T20:46:00.001-07:00

you're just a defenseless woman
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

boy that was a very long camping trip was it not?

no, actually we had a great time, i just came home and started a week of menstrual migraines that coincided with my kids' spring break. nice, huh? yeah, pretty sucky.

the kids caught 77, no i've been corrected. 78 salamanders in le pond de leroy. max-ay even said it didn't feel like camping because we slept in an old, run-down single-wide mobile home instead of a tent! man, i ruined that kid when i took him dry camping @ rialto beach and had him poop over a board last summer!!

i knew i would spend the kids' spring break in pain, getting over pain, or feeling the effects of drugs, so that's one of the reasons why we did something fun as soon as spring break started.

i must say, however, that even though i had four migraines that the pain level itself wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. i think the botox is helping with that.

one of the things i have noticed that has been surprising to me is now that the pain factor is more under control, is how distressing my other symptoms are. most importantly, lethargy, foggy thinking and especially sensitivity to noise. i didn't think i was sensitive to light but i've been noticing that more as well. i guess i've learned that migraines are not just pain. they are a whole set of symptoms that happen as a result of defunct activity in the brain.

nice huh?

don't ya just wish i could reach in my brain, flip a switch and make everything all better.

that's just not in the cards for me.

back to spring break~

i got a major project done in the midst of the migraine crap. i de-crapped the boys' bedroom. we rearranged beds, went through clothes, toys and closet. completely de-crapped the place. man did that feel good. so now, everyday, we are trying to stay on top of it. or i should say THEY are staying on top of it. the rule is: clothes, toys picked up and bed made before they get to watch t.v., etc.

so far, so good.

also i got my third round of botox last thursday. since i couldn't count on myself to be able to drive, i had my parents take me to Portland for the 5 min. procedure. max-ay was the only one brave enough to watch his mommy get shots in her head!! :P

(i just love it that i'm so tough~)

i told the kids before we left: Who wants to watch mommy be a super hero?

the girl immediately cringed and almost vomited.

the baby tried to stay in the room but panicked last minute and left.

max-ay was my super hero. but he hasn't really talked about what he saw. either it was no big deal or he was traumatized.

then, my parents took us all to the zoo. it was a remarkably warm day for the Pacific Northwest. mid-70's. we had a great time and my parents loved going. i took lots of photos so check them out: www.flickr.com/photos/cameradawktor

of course, i got a migraine by the time it was over but i was expecting that. THAT'S WHY I HAD MY PARENTS DRIVE!!!!

however, my injection kicked in by the time i got home and i was able to go out to dinner @ the Thai restaraunt with the family.

i ate a burger

now that was mean of me wasn't it??

i have something else that's been rolling around in my brain but i'll save that for my next post. i've been spending so much time on my pictures over at flickr that i've really neglected my blog.

oh! this is very exciting. i am taking the train to Seattle next weekend. i've been asked to shoot photos for a 2008 calendar benefitting MEOW. it's a non-profit group that works w/ cat rescue.

my gradeschool chum and fellow flickr friend www.flickr.com/photos/stephjaychrisben hooked me up w/ this group that she works with. actually, she asked a bunch of these people if they wanted to buy my 2007 calendar and they said, can she make a calendar about animals? so they stole my calendar fundraising idea and asked me to volunteer to shoot the photos.

i am so excited, wish me luck!!

see ya in a few days

2007-03-30T16:08:00.001-07:00

see ya in a few days
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

o.k., doea anyone know how to analyze handwriting?

does it tell you that i'm a freak?

abnormal?

reclusive?

outgoing?

hmm....you'll have to let me know about that....

so this is my kids' spring break, they have been home 2 hours now. we are packing up to go here

the crazy guy who was renting le pond de leroy's place is moved out. so w/ weather being unpredictable until july here in good 'ol SW Washington, we can safely go have fun and stay in their mobile home. the Mister just called and said i won't even recognize it and that the woodstove is going and wood is piled up on the porch!

wahoo!

when it gets a little warmer out we can pitch tents but we will try sleeping in the mobile. the Misses is going with us and she should be here any minuite.

o.k., that was her calling so i have to finish loading my truck.

anywhoo, her Mister and my Mister are going here

so i thought that since it's spring break, instead of sitting around home

that we should go have some fun like this

(at least we can only hope that this will occur.........) hehehe......

birthdays, sassy girls, and chocolate peanut-butter pie

2007-03-28T10:39:00.001-07:00

birthdays, sassy girls, and chocolate peanut-butter pie
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Meyers D had a low key but enjoyable birthday yesterday. It's amazing that she's 11 now!

She made her own Peanut-Butter birthday pie:

1 ready made grahm cracker crust
8oz. cream cheese softened
1c. granulated sugar
1c. creamy peanut butter
8oz. cool whip thawed
1 can Betty Crocker Fudge Frosting

Cream the cream cheese and sugar until fluffy. Mix in peanut butter well and then fold in whipped topping.

Pour into grahm cracker crust and freeze until set.

Once set, spread Fudge Frosting over the top. Serve when pie is not frozen and cuttable. VERY RICH and delicious!!!

the not so beautiful before

2007-03-22T11:25:00.001-07:00

the not so beautiful before
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

o.k., if you read a few posts ago you will know that i was realling fighting depression. not so much with my thoughts, but with my body. i was soo sooo tired, like a 1,000 lb. elephant was sitting on me. sometimes it was like i couldn't even move.

i had no energy to take my kids anywhere, let alone even tie my shoes. i was able to stay out of bed but the chair and the couch in front of the t.v. really got to know my butt, if you know what i mean.

i decided not to see how long before it would pass and made a doctor appt. for the 26th. but, in the meantime, i decided to stop taking a vitamin i had been taking for the last 6 weeks. my neurologist thought i might want to try co q 10 to see if it would help get my migraine frequency down. at first i stopped taking pictures, which at the time, i thought i was just giving myself a break.

then after a month, and switching to a different brand, i started to get tired. tasks became much more difficult but i was forcing myself to get through them. i started thinking about how nice it would be to lie in my bed but during the middle of the day. during this, however, i was able to fight through it.

then, during my "womanly time" ( :) ) i had absolutely no energy. i couldn't get anything done and my emotions were just so flat, devoid of feelings. i thought i was just having an extra difficult week and would feel better when the "time" had passed.

nope

i knew i needed to go for a walk and get fresh air and i couldn't even imagine walking across the room to put my shoes on.

that's when i knew that i was definitely having a low cycle (depressive episode).

but, because my thinking wasn't dangerous or distorted i thought i could wait it out.

realizing though that i had started a new batch of vitamins before the bottom fell out i decided to stop taking them. that was sunday. the very next day i felt so much better and by tuesday i was back to my great old self.

today is thursday and despite feeling pretty tired every once in a while, the 1,000 lb. elephant is gone.

i will still go to my doctor's appt though as i am trying to break the bad habit of doctoring myself, which has never gotten me anywhere and most of the time made me worse off.

i am so greatful that i am feeling better and am having lots of fun taking pictures again. my husband bought me a new mobile phone that has a 2mg. camera. it also has an mp3 player which i have never had before. so i have been having a good time trying to figure out how to download songs onto it.

to sum it all up, i will leave you with this stylish picture of my new haircut! haha.... the after (after depression lifts) is always so much sweeter than the not so beautiful before.... (THIS IS MY WORD FOR THE DAY!)

btw: if you don't get anything that i have talked about that 's good. it means you've never experienced it so consider yourself lucky!!!

slam dunk, do you wanna play?

2007-03-22T11:04:00.001-07:00

slam dunk
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

my friend sent me an e-mail that you send to other people asking them to describe you in one word. it was pretty encouraging to me as this is what i got back: artistic, courageous and intuitive. you can leave me a word in the comments if you want to play too and i'll give you one back if you play in a post and let me know about it.

here's what i was sent:

This ought to be interesting. Be kind. :)
>>>> >
>>>> >The Game is on !!!
>>>> >
>>>> >Describe me in one word.... just one single word. Send it to me
and to
>>>> >me only.
>>>> >
>>>> >Then send this message to your friends and see how many strange &
>>>> >interesting things they say about you. This is really fun.
>>>> >
>>>> >Here's how:
>>>> >
>>>> >1. Hit the reply key and send me my one word.
>>>> >
>>>> >2. Then return to this message, and forward it to your friends
>>>> >(including
>>>> >me) and see what people say about you when limited to one word !!!
>>>> >
>>>> >The Game is On !!!!
>>>> >

are you gonna play????

i've been fighting it...

2007-03-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I really have neglected this blog for a while, but maybe it's time I was more dilligent about posting.

This really is not the greatest time for me to pick it back up, but really, that's the whole purpose of my blog.

It's been sneaking back up on me, and i've been fighting it...but depression is trying to get a strangle grip around my neck again.

I say my neck because it cuts off my circulation which makes me quite lethargic and sleepy...which more than anything, is what i am fighting.

It started a few weeks ago. I had so much energy (which looking back was probably a mild hypomanic swing, because that's what it looks like w/ my bipolar symptoms) and I was getting great projects done around the house. Lots of painting, organizing, etc. I really am not a lazy person although I struggle w/ periods of non-activity.

Then my tasks started to get less easy, and I had to put mental effort into them and break them into smaller pieces. I told myself to get one thing done and I obeyed! Then I would tell myself to do something else. That's the point really, is that I started having to tell myself to get things done.

Then a week and a half ago or two I was starting my cycle. I felt really tired but and completely lethargic but I marked it off as all due to my menstrual cycle. And during it, I had to take numerous shots for my migraines and felt like I had been hit by a mac truck, but I slated that as due to the medications.

So when my cycle ended and I didn't return to my great old self, I began to realize that there may be more to this than mere sluggish-ness. In fact yesterday the ODDEST thing happened. I was having coffee with a friend and all of a sudden it felt like I had taken two percocet. My hearing was like it was in stereo and then as it subsided I felt like I was floating. My friend was really worried about me driving home, and honestly, I was too. But I have driven on percocet before, and I didn't have the kids with me, nor was it very far to go.

So I canceled all my plans for the day and drove home, VERY CAREFULLY!

I don't think I got anything done.

Thankfully, my husband doesn't care what state I'm in as long as I'm not in pain. So I guess that's a good thing.

I'm tempted to wait and talk to my doctor about it if it gets worse. But why would I want to feel worse?

I'm tempted to wait things out, because my downward spin always goes upward. So, if it stays this mild and my thinking doesn't get low, I could try to wait it out.

The plus to starting an anti-depressant is that I could start one that's helpful with pain and it could help my migraines.

The minus is that there's usually weight gain involved and I fear I've already put on a bit of weight. I know I have over the past half dozen months, but I fear I've put on more since the first of the year. If I start to feel really bad I will not have a choice, weight or no I have to take care of myself.

But, if this turns out to be mild like it has been and short lived, I may be able to get by w/out it.

Decisions, decisions.

But today I've just been fighting it....

why i love the smell of cow poop

2007-03-13T15:57:00.001-07:00

grammies and frank and michael
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Allright, Jana read my questions below and wanted an explanation of why i love the smell of cow poop.

It's really quite simple.

Before I was born, or my Mom even got married, her dad died. He had built my grandmother a house on some acreage in a rural area. They had a garden area, seasonal pond, pie cherry trees, mile long driveway, old barn and a handful of cows.

Because my Grandmother had no man around the house to do upkeep on the "farm" my parents would spend a lot of time on the weekends out there helping her out. I absolutely ADORED my grandmother, being outdoors and mucking around the farm. I loved helping her feed the cows.

Now, everytime I pass by a farm I have to roll down the windows and take a big whiff. Naturally, the smell that I detect is the strongest one: cow poop.

It reminds me of my grandmother.....sort of like apple pie would remind you of home....

A little bit about me...

2007-03-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

New Questions

> 1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? nope, i am an original!

> 2. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD? nope

> 3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I've seen better...

> 4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? roast beef
>
> 5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? one girl and two boys

> 6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I hope so.
>
> 7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? what do you think??? :)

> 8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
>
> 9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No way, no how!
>
> 10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? fruit loops but i really don't eat them anymore

> 11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? yes, but pretty much all of my shoes are slip ons, mom's don't have time to tie...

> 12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? no, but i must be to put up w/ the crap i have to...

> 13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? tillamook chocolate peanut butter

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Expression.
>
> 15. RED OR PINK? red is my favorite color...

> 16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? my health
>
> 17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my grandmother
>
> 18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? i am not sending this, i'm posting it...

> 19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Not wearing pants! grey sweats and no shoes

> 20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? cracklin' bran w/ blueberries and rice milk

> 21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? regis and kelly in the other room

> 22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? red, duh!

> 23. FAVORITE SMELLS? cow poop....long story...

> 24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? monika from an interior design store in town

> 25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? yes but i haven't seen her since high school
>
> 26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? my kids playing soccer

> 27. HAIR COLOR? Brownish blackish

> 28. EYE COLOR? Hazel.
>
> 29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yes

> 30. FAVORITE FOOD? thai food

> 31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings.
>
> 32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? cast away

> 33. COLOR OF SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING? red

> 34. SUMMER OR WINTER? summer

> 35. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses, but depends on whose doing the hugging or the kissing...
>
> 36. FAVORITE DESSERT? chocolate peanut butter cheesecake
>
> 37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? really don't know who reads this blog anymore... suzanne r???

> 38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? ???

> 39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Easy Thai

> 40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? don't have one...

> 41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Supernanny

> 42. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SOUND? the birds that have returned this spring

> 43. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? thailand

> 44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? photography
>
> 45. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? longview, washington

> 46. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Everybody - it's fun to learn new things about my friends.

Mercy House

2007-03-11T12:09:00.001-07:00

Mercy House
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Mercy House is the place that most tugged on my heart during our Thailand trip. It is a dormitory for tribal kids overseen by a Thai church. There are about 25 girls and one boy living there at the present time. These kids are without DAILY adult supervision and are visited by a representative of the church once or twice a week.

These kids are amazing and clearly enjoyed being showered with attention by adults!

The girls rotate taking turns waking up before dawn to walk to their outdoor cooking area. When we were there, they had two pots to cook their meals in and the roof leaked! Our church is going to fund a new cooking area for them and I hope to get them some better cooking gear!

we took them some KFC as they rarely get to eat meat and they just LOVE KFC!! (And yes, KFC in Thailand tastes just like home...)

The girls did some dances for us, a fashion show (which was the cutest thing ever!) and sang some songs in their tribal languages. Two of the girls from our team, Bethany and Lacey, did their dance for them and we had a prayer time with them. Lori and I really wanted to get back and visit them again but we just didn't have the chance.

Visiting Mercy House, we learned that many Thai people have a calloused attitude toward tribal kids. Evidentally, the church that oversees their care feels like since the tribal kids had "nothing" while in their tribe, that they need nothing but the bare necessities now. Personally, i think adult supervision IS a necessity and that's something these kids don't have.

Even so, these girls are amazing....going to school, leaving their families and cultures, washing and cooking for themselves...

It is so exciting to me to see these tribal children get an opportunity for an education. It's just such a shame that this cannot happen for them in their tribes. But, some of the tribes are still nomadic and move their villages for crop rotation.

I hope and pray that these kids will not be so enamored with city life that they abandon their tribes. Living in the city gives them an opportunity to see what the rest of the world is like and hopefully they will take their knowledge and skills back to benefit their tribes either by advocating for them or living with them.

I also pray that these kids will hang onto their tribal and cultural traditions so that the beauty of their cultures will not be lost. I also hope that the lure of Western Society doesn't strip these beautiful tribal cultures of their rich identity....

Visiting a Thai School

2007-02-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

There is a couple at my church that performs songs and puppetry at public schools called Cowboy Buck and Elizabeth. So one of the things we did was visit a Thai Christian School of 2100 kids. The photo here is of an 8th grade English class that Papa D and I visited.

They were totally your typical teenagers! It was great. In working with the kids I found how important it is to have a native English speaker teaching them English. That's one of the reasons that Western teachers are so sought after in college programs, especially. We learned that we could get a job overnight in a University just with a Bachelor's degree. And, since Papa D and I both have them (I am 12 credits shy of my Master's in Ed.), we came home dreaming of working in Thailand!!

When we got done in our English class, we got back to the performance area and saw this sight! We were so shocked to see shy Meyers D standing in front of 400-500 kids singing songs she had just learned! We were so proud of her boldness!!

One of the things I loved most about visiting the school, was seeing so many of the kids wearing their traditional tribal clothing. That was so marvelous and impressive, as well as important. I'm sure that I've expressed this already. But one of the things that I feel is so critical in Thailand, is for the tribal people to hold onto their culture and traditions as they begin to assimilate more into the modern culture. When I go back to Thailand, either short term or longterm, this would be one of my focuses and missions in encouraging the tribal children to not abandon their culture.

This is just a slice of some of the tribal dress you would see in Northern Thailand.
I leave you with some of my favorite pictures taken at the school.

*Karen child with Joe & Terry

More on the New Life Center

2007-02-13T08:29:00.000-08:00

So back to the New Life Center girls...
The girls go to school in shifts, with some going during the morning and others during the evening. So we went there twice!

The second time we went there we met this young lady. She was super confident. She grabbed me right away and showed me her tribal dress that she had emoroidered HERSELF!! Wow! I was impressed by her character. I think she has serious leadership qualities. Just another reason why these young ladies need to be encouraged to pursue their degrees AND go back to their tribes to be involved in helping their culture to survive in today's world.

The girls put on a dance with dresses from all of their different tribes. Their dresses were wonderful and I took portraits of all of them and put them on flickr. These girls' lives would have told very different stories if they had not made it to the safety of the New Life Center.

I asked the girls to show me their sleeping quarters. They are squished in like little sardines with a blanket pad to sleep on. Most of them do not have pillows but a few have stuffed animals to lay their heads on. They also have some quilts.

Clearly, roy and lori here fell in love with these great girls, as we all did! What survival stories they all must have. Perhaps after we learn Thai we can hear them all....

New Life Center: home for girls

2007-02-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

Next on our trip was a visit to the New Life Center. It is a home for Thai tribal girls who were going to be sold into prostitution. The girl whose hands are featured here was about 6 years old when she was sent out of her village to work in order to send money home to her family. She worked as a housekeeper, in an orange grove, until when she was about 12 her mother and step-father informed her that she was going to be sold into the sex industry.

She escaped back to a nun whom she had met earlier in her life who sent her to a friend that employed her as a housekeeper. Eventually she was led to the New Life Center where she began to learn Thai and was sent to school. It is the foundation's hope that she will make the choice to go to High School and eventually college. However, many of these girls want to stop their education's before high school so that they can send money home to their families. Often times, these are the very families that were going to sell them.

The girls here were all so wonderful. We took them some food supplies that were paid for, in part, by the donation's raised by the sales of my 2007 calendars.

Also, a few of them dressed in their tribal clothing and performed a cultural dance for us; followed by two of our teenagers who put on a hip hop dance for them!

The girls were very wonderful and sweet. Besides attending school, the girls practice their tribal art of embroider and sell their products to raise money for the Center. This also helps them to learn a trade which can promote the cultural practices of their individual tribe. That is a fact I just love!

Also, we met the neighbor girl to the Center. At first I thought she was six years old. But upon looking at her more closely, she has the body of a young lady and I discovered she is 14 years old! Also, she is deaf. She knows how to read and write very little so her communication skills are quite limited. She really captivated me, even before I knew her circumstances. I really wish she could be helped, so I am praying for her and wondering what services she is getting in Thailand and how she could be helped...(she is the shortest girl in the picture & her name means orange!)

I will write more about these fantastic young ladies in my next post.

I am remodeling my kitchen and my computer is unplugged so I will write more when I can!

Cabbages and Condoms, Chiang Rai Thailand

2007-02-04T20:46:00.000-08:00

Cabbages and Condoms is a government run restaraunt chain in Thailand. I had heard it mentioned before by my missionary friend and I was like: what?!

It is an absolutely fabulous restaraunt. The food is some of the best I had in Thailand! Especially the cashew chicken. We got that dish almost every place we ate as a group because it is my pastor's favorite! .....and he was ordering! But this place had the best cashew chicken of anywhere I have ever tried!!! Of course, there were condom posters all around, fortunately my daughter didn't notice them and was pretty clueless about it.

The restaraunt is to promote AIDS awareness in Thailand.

Wat Rong Kuhn, Chiang Rai Thailand

2007-02-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

Please contact the blog administrator (cameradawktor@yahoo.com) for permission to print any pictures.

One of the first sites we visited in Chiang Rai was Wat Rong Kuhn, a beautiful Buddhist temple designed by an artist. It is so amazing! It is totally white and has tiny mirror affixed all over the structure that sparkle in the sun. We were there on a beautiful sunny afternoon, not a clous in the sky which was the most magnificent blue. The tiny mirrors, millions of them, made the temple shimmer. All of a sudden two large fountains would go off in the front which made the whole temple sparkle even more.

There was a lot of symbolism to the temple which I am sure I do not understand. We entered the doorway to the temple itself (I was not allowed to take pictures inside) over all sorts of hands reaching out of the ground. My interpreter explained to me that these represented the hands of people who did not do enough good works in this life and who were suffering in the afterlife, reaching out, wishing they had done more.

I was quite surprised by this hand:

As this was a professional artist that designed the temple, the artwork inside was amazing. I could have cheated and snuck some pictures, but you have to respect the rules in any situation, especially those of another culture. All I can say is that they were contemporary and amazing.

The religious practices clearly are much different than my own. Personally, that was quite interesting. I think I will choose to keep my thoughts on this private.

I only got the opportunity to visit one other temple on my trip. And while I'm sure there are many interesting ones, my guess is that this has to be one of the most beautiful. It was astonishing.

Meeting Malee

2007-01-31T07:36:00.000-08:00

The lady with Meyers D in this photo is Malee. She was our main interpreter. She is Chinese and grew up in Thailand. After being involved in many different ministries, she finds herself running an orphanage in Chiang Mai, called Ban San Faan. (we didn't get to go there but I plan to the next time I go).

The first time we met as a team in the lobby of our Hotel, the Wangcome, we met Bill and his wife Janis (our tour guide and leader) and Malee. She basically walked straight up to Myah, put her arms around her and didn't let go! It was amazing, an instant unbreakable relationship. Very remarkable. I felt it too. In fact, within hours, Malee and I were walking arm in arm down the street! I feel like she is my sister.

The tricky part will be to keep communication going until we can see her again. As the director of an orphanage she is an incredibly busy lady. Not only that, she is extremely capable so is called on for other jobs for the foundation.

I wish you could have seen her running around the Makro ( a lot like a Costco or Sam's Club). It was always at the end of a long day of ministry and sight seeing and she'd just grap a giant shopping cart and start darting dead on through the aisles with tremendous focus; always knowing how much to grab of the most important items for each ministry we were shopping for. She didn't even get frustrated when I would push her even harder saying, "I have money I have to spend. More, more. Come on, more, more. I have to spend more money!" :)

At one point, when I was harping at her to find more things to buy, she looked at me and said, "It is my pleasure to serve you." Maybe that was the Thai non-confrontational way to tell me to shut-up. But I really think she meant it. I was taken aback for a minute. Serve me? I was here to serve others? But she was serving me....and I said thanks!

One thing I noticed in serving others is that more than anything, they were serving me. And I was so blessed!

Arriving in Bangkok, Arriving in Thailand

2007-01-30T07:50:00.000-08:00

Bangkok has such a beautiful airport. I'm not sure how old it is, but it is very high tech architecture: a lot of steel beams and glass so you can see out. Right off I noticed all of the shrines, mostly gold overlay, dotting here and there. Later I would see them on sharp curves on the road, so perhaps it has something to do with keeping you safe or warding off evil spirits. I'm not sure.

It was sure helpful having Terri organize our trip. I remember so many times she and Roger (my pastor who is about to retire) standing at the ticket counter organizing whichever flight was going to come next or working out any problems. It made for an incredibly stress free trip for me!

In Bangkok I started noticing what would become a signature hallmark for Thailand: customer service. These people know how to be helpful. In this country, not enough people are hired to help. In Thailand it's the opposite - way too many. People will just be standing around, waiting to come up and help you. It is quite amazing. And, all of the helpful people have enough English skills that they can help you!!

When we left Bangkok we had little over a one hour flight to Chiang Rai. Chiang Rai is in the far northern part of the country, very near Burma (Myanmar) and Laos. This area where the three countries meet is called the Golden Triangle. It is a little higher in elevation here so it is close to 10 degrees ferenheit cooler than Bangkok. For instance, it was the cold season but 80 degrees, but in Bangkok it was around 90 and fairly humid. The Thai's are so acclamated to their weather though that most people were in long pants and a lightweight jacket.

I guess normal is what you are used to....

time to talk about thailand

2007-01-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back! And if you've done the Math, I've been back for a week and a half. But, I've been editing the thousand or so pics I took and am pretty much done getting them up on flickr. So I suppose it's time to start blogging about our experience. I think it will also help me process this amazingly mind blowing experience.

Also, I got an e-mail tonight from a high school friend who informed me that one of our former classmates has a blogspot about her life in Bangkok as a teacher. This is really exciting to me as we lost our hearts to this land and culture. So I can't wait to go back in her archives and read all about her experience. And, it's sort of inspired me to get off my butt and write about my thoughts myself.

I kind of like to do things in order so I've started at the beginning here. First off, the hubs and I were very thrilled about the group of people that were going. It's the largest group that's ever gone on a missions trip from our church: 21. A wide assortment of talents and personalities and I must say, everyone was a pleasure. It's made me feel much more a part of our church getting to know these people and letting them get to know me.

And, as so much of my life in the recent years has been defined by pain, it was great to be defined more by my gifts and personality than my hang-ups!!!! :)

*I'm sure you are all dying to know about my health, and I appreciate that. I had the normal amount of headaches as my botox was wearing off and I started my period on the day we left Chiang Rai. But, I was able to treat them quickly with my meds and staved off any pain. I didn't miss out on anything.

Back to the story.

The flights were BRUTAL. I had been to New Zealand so that was slight preparation. But this was much more greusome. 10 hours to Tokyo, 8+ to Bangkok and 1 1/2 to Chiang Rai. About 2 hours into it I really started to feel the pressure in my head. I didn't want to take a migraine reversal drug because I had 16 more hours to fly! So I took 2 Dramamine to help me sleep. Within about an hour my head felt so much better. I continued the Dramamine every 4-6 hours and found that's the trick for me in flying. Now, that would knock most people out. And it did make me drowsy, but I have a hard-core system people. No doubt for being such a shorty!

Anyway, we get to Tokyo and we are all so exhausted. We got on our flight to Bangkok and they come on that the mechanics had found a problem. So we wait 30 min. (Service in Thailand is impecable. So they turn on the air conditioner, serve drinks and snacks...that's only the beginning people) Finally they offload us.

We wait quite a while and they decide to reassign us to a flight the next day. Everyone was pretty relieved because we would still be able to make our Chiang Rai flight. They paid for a bus to take us to a hotel, for the hotel and two meals, a bus back to the airport, $200 per person towards future flights and $10 per person for meals in the airport. Sweet!!!

So, now I can say I've been to Tokyo (narita)!!

I think I'm pooped now from writing. I think I will write more about getting to Bangkok tomorrow.

Mystery of the Secret Santa

2006-12-27T15:33:00.000-08:00

I played Secret Santa on Pumpkin's blog and dang it all to heck, just can't figure out who sent my thoughtful secret santa gift. My guess is Rain, but I really have no idea, just that the person is from Pennsylvania (?) but many people don't put on their blogs where they're from.

Thanks secret santa, reveal thyself!

12 days to Thailand

2006-12-27T06:17:00.000-08:00

Only 12 days to Thailand. Geesh!

O.K., that made my stomache do a loop de loop!

First Christmas. Well, I had a premonition, intuition, prompting from God (I choose to call it the last one...you may call it something else) that I wasn't supposed to make more than one cookie this year for Christmas or host any Christmas parties at my house.

The last time this happened my mother-in-law passed away....big reason to keep it simple. I wasn't expecting anything like that to happen but I figured there was probably a reason I was feeling this again. Turns out it was SICKNESS~ much better than DEATH but still no fun.

TSE got sick on the 23rd and so did I so we missed Christmas with my side of the family. Max-Ay started coming down with it on Christmas Eve so he missed all the activities (except our gift opening) on Christmas Day. TSE and Meyers D were able to go with me to my mom's for breakfast (that's usually been at my house for the last 7 years). Papa D stayed home with him. And then Max-Ay and I stayed home while the other three went to Papa D's sister's house for Christmas Evening.

All in all it worked out for a very low key Christmas, which is never bad. We still enjoyed our time spent with the kids and like I said, Max-Ay was doing pretty good at 4:45 a.m. when the kids woke us up to open their presents! He started to hit the wall about 6 a.m.

We took our tree down last night because it was very dry and we got it early this year. Also it's time to kick into gear and get ready for Thailand! With all the airline rules about having 3 oz. containers on your carry on I have to go purchase a lot of 3 oz. bottles with stuff in them I don't need in order to put stuff in them I DO NEED! awww....

*I didn't take any pictures of Christmas. shocked? Well my camera is pretty sucky at indoor shots and I just wasn't feeling like it. Also, we went up to Mt. St. Helen's yesterday to go sledding. And although there was snow, it was raining. So didn't take pictures of THAT either. Perhaps today I will get some pics of Max-Ay playing with his new toys. He's the only kid that plays with toys here really anyway.

In less than two weeks I'll be taking travel pictures up the ying yang anyway so perhaps I'm saving myself up! ha!

Cap'n Crunch Candy

2006-12-22T15:18:00.000-08:00

My sister-in-law usually makes this super yummy easy treat for Christmas. This year Meyers D has made it and only needed a little help.

All you need is one box Cap'n Crunchberry cereal and one package almond bark. Melt the almond bark and pour over the cereal. Spread the hot mixture onto a cookie sheet lined with wax paper and let harden. Store in airtight container.

*Don't eat too much, it melts in your mouth!*

changes

2006-12-19T06:46:00.000-08:00

changes, changes....

life is full of them, eh?

well, my hubby is turning in his 2 weeks notice for work today. he is an industrial appraiser for our county and he got a new job in a neighboring county which is very excited to have him working for them. he is sort of taking a temporary demotion of sorts. he is going to start his new job just 2 working days before we go to Thailand, which is crazy. he will be a residential appraiser. in a few months there will be an industrial opening which they want him to apply for.

this will make for quite a few changes in our family. first of all, a commute. right now it takes him about 15 min. to get to work (at one time he was able to walk!) soon it will be about a 45 min. drive. he will also be going back to "square one" on his sick leave and vacation time. right now he has about a month vacation leave.

also, with his sick leave and the flexibility he has gotten, he has went to many doctor's appointments with me and been able to take time off when i haven't felt good. this is all about to change!

i may have to learn the phone number for the local taxi service!

i am quite a bit nervous about this, but at the same time, i have to trust that it will work itself out. i can't let my frailties or fear of them interfere with my husband's happiness at work. because of my headaches, he has the sole responsibility of our finances on his shoulders. so it is very important to me that he is happy.

and he is very excited about this change. i am too. just slightly nervous with how this could affect ME!

another thing is that we are getting some much needed work done on our house so that we are ready to sell. we may not sell but we are going to be ready to. he is thinking that he doesn't want to commute. i am willing to move but don't want to. i am so happy with the children's friends and their school. i really like this house too, although it's not the "perfect" house. it's the first house that's felt like home in our marriage (it's our 4th house).

anyway, even if we don't sell it will be so nice to have some things done that need be. right now a friend from church is hanging a lot of new doors in our hallway. my boys just got a bedroom door for the first time in a year or is it 2. i must admit the same for us!

after thailand i am going to have to repaint our remodeled bathroom that we are finishing. the color i painted it does not go with the tile countertop like i thought it would. which means, i will have to repaint the hallway too as it is the same color as the bathroom and the different shades of the same color will look stupid.

i have been needing to repaint the kitchen so that is on the list too. when the weather gets warmer i have to repaint my bedroom and the living/dining room. the bedroom will probably be a whole new color (as yet to be decided) but the living/dining room will be the same color.

there's an island to install in the kitchen, a deck to build on the front of the house and railing to put on the porch by the front door. also the trim needs to be finished in the upstairs. and, more cabinets need to be purchased for the main bathroom that's being remodeled.

so, we have quite a list and even if we WANTED to move right now we are far from ready to sell this house. and as i said, i am not sad about that!

*something very strange, it smells like my husband is sitting right next to me, i smell the soap he bathes with....strange~*

maybe i'm being redundant here, but although i am quite willing to move, i don't want to. but it will be very nice to get some things done to improve our home and to be able to (hopefully) stay here and enjoy them!

secret santa present arrives

2006-12-18T16:35:00.000-08:00

Look what I got today! My Secret Santa gift! And I have NO STINKING IDEA who it is. What a thoughtful gift though. I can't decide wether to read it now or wait until the 16 hour plane ride. I think it's 9 hours to Tokyo and 6 hours to Bangkok. O.K., so I can't do math.

Anyway, I don't know if I was supposed to wait until Christmas but it's too late anyway! ha!

I can't believe it's only 3 weeks away until the trip. Oh man, that's crazy!

a video message about suicide

2006-12-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

my flickr friend MOKI made this great video. it has a very insightful message. thanks moki!

praline pecan crunch

2006-12-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

I made this yummy and oh so delish treat for my hubby's christmas party at work.

the best pecans for this and any other recipe are from Green Valley, Arizona.

praline pecan crunch

1 16 oz. pkg. quaker oat squares (8 cups)
2 c. pecan pieces
1/2 c. light corn syrup or honey
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/4 c. butter
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 tsp. baking soda

Heat oven to 250 degrees. Combine cereal and pecans in a 13x9 pan, set aside.
In a 2 c. microwaveable bowl, combine corn syrup, brown sugar and butter. Microwave high for 1 1/2 min. , stir. Microwave on high 1/2- 1 1/2 min. more until boiling. Stir in vanilla and baking soda, pour hot bubbling mixture over cereal. Stir to coat evenly. Bake 1 hour, stirring every 20 min. , spread on baking sheet to cool. Break it into pieces when cool and store in airtight container, makes 10 cups.

verry breakable....

2006-12-12T06:43:00.000-08:00

I decided to turn my Plz SAVE my Blog/blog into a place where I could study what words mean in the Bible. We'll see how long I do it, typically I become quite the slacker when it comes to doing this. But I'm feeling inspired to spend a few short minutes each morning and do this. It will give me something to think about when I go on my morning walks and it will be a good habit. Like I said, I'm not making myself any promises because I have TERRIBLE follow-through in this department.

So, if you become ones who visits there and checks out what I'm writing, you have my FULL AND UTTER PERMISSION to say, "hey, what the heck...you're a slacker!"

ha! Basically, I've been feeling verry breakable lately and I've been struggling w/ the cure, so I'm going to find me some new "medicine"....

secret santa

2006-12-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

Hey! I'm not sure anyone will read this, but my friend Writer/Mother/Wife/Me is doing a "Secret Santa" exchange and needs one more participant. I am playing and have my person assigned to me. It sounds fun.

If you would like to play, go to her blog and leave her a comment. You can click on her photos too which will take you to flickr and can e-mail her that route too.

I will post about what I get and make my guesses when it arrives in the mail!

Here's the linkage: http://www.writermotherwifeme.blogspot.com

comment here if you decide to participate.

What WILL be vs. what COULD be....

2006-12-11T06:03:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling so much lately with my Faith. I haven't been reading the Bible for a long time. I think it's because much of my Faith has been based on (probably incorrectly based on) what God can do for me. Since I haven't seen the results I've expected, it's made for a very shakey faith.

It occurred to me yesterday during my pastor's teaching, that perhaps what my Faith should be based on is the end result. The Bible says this:
Revelation 5:9 (the angels are singing):And they sang a new song:
'You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because ou were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth.'

5:11 Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they sang:
'Worthy is the Lamb (Jesus) who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!'

5:13 Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing:
'To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!'

The four living creatures said, 'Amen' and the elders fell down and worshiped.

~My pastor was talking about how in heaven, thousands and millions and billions of people will be worshiping Jesus.

It occured to me that my true purpose in life, the destination I should ASPIRE to, my goal, perhaps shouldn't be to function well here on this earth and accomplish this and that thing, but that my ultimate purpose is in heaven. What that will look like is to be one of the millions and billions of people worshiping before Jesus.

It doesn't mean that what I am/do/think/become, etc. on this earth isn't important, it just was a realization of what my ultimate goal could be. And, if this was my ultimate goal, my thinking would be much different than it is now. I've been quite angry and irritated with my current state of health. I feel that if I felt better now that I could enjoy life more, do more, see more, become more, etc. And I long for it to the point of anger.

I'm not saying that's bad or wrong. It just occured to me as he was talking about heaven, that since that's my ultimate destination, it would make sense that it's my ultimate purpose. And then, it occured to me that if this is my ultimate purpose (which I never think about), how would it change my life, my thinking, my emotions if that became my focus. Not how I feel now, but what my role is then.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it's just a shift in thinking. It's not how I think now, it's just something I think I should explore.

All I know is that my life doesn't match up with what I want or desire. No matter how hard I try I can't make that happen. I'm striving after something I can't attain.

Perhaps I should try thinking about something that WILL be instead of something I hope COULD be.

Job 1:1

2006-12-11T05:48:00.000-08:00

King James Version w/ Strongs (this version of the bible found @ http://www.bible.lifeway.com/crossmain.asp)

Job 1:1 There was a man (champion, great man, human being) in the land of Uz (somewhere in the Arabian desert), whose name (1b: reputation, fame, glory) was Job (pronounced ee-yobe': Iyowb which means HATED); and that man was perfect (complete, morally innocent, having integrity) and upright (right, pleasing, correct) and one that feared (reverent) God (elohiym) and one that eschewed (avoided) evil (sin, things that are ethically wrong).

max-ay's 8th birthday

2006-12-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today is Max-Ay's 8th birthday. He woke up so early, what'd he think, it was Christmas or something? We gave him some birthday hot cocoa to start his day off right.

I got him some cupcakes for class with plastic Star Wars rings on them. He wanted Annakin rings to be on there but I went to Fred Meyer (Kroger's) and didn't call first. All they had was C3P0, R2D2 and Darth Vader. He didn't complain!

After school his friend Jay came over, I got a pizza and then we went to the Journey Through Bethlehem. The local 7th Day Adventist Church puts on a live nativity. If you've never been to one, it's pretty cool. It's quite the production. They put the gig on for 4 days and it's free. It's quite something. There's even a camel, the angel Gabriel (they use a woman, they must read a different version of the bible...) and of course, Jesus.

Afterwards, Jay came back home wtih us, we had more hot cocoa and watched Rudolf on t.v. Very low key, I kind of like it that way.......

my sick boys

2006-12-04T11:07:00.000-08:00

This morning @ 5a.m. TSE came in my room and said he thought he was going to get sick.

Let's just say, that fortunately, he told me first!! ha!

Anyway, when Max-Ay woke up he said he didn't feel good either, but he didn't look sick. Thank God he didn't eat breakfast when I thought he was faking. Man, that would have been a nightmare.

So they are sitting in my upstairs living room, quietly watching movies. I plugged the lights into the Christmas tree and started a fire in the fireplace. It's very cozy and Christmas-ish looking. The jello is slowly hardening in the fridge for a late lunch.

My friend S.B. called and her boys just had the sickies last week. She is bringing orange gatorade and 7-up. I probably could have lived without it, but sometimes, when someone wants to help you, it's important to say yes. It makes them feel good and it builds a growing friendship. It will be fun to see her face for 5 seconds and commiserate about the super mom of sick boys thing.

This flu bug seems to be short-lived so hopefully after tomorrow we will be done. I just hope the rest of us don't get it, but unfortunately, EVERYONE in S.B.'s family got it. Yikes!!! My neuro appointment is an hour away on Wednesday, but I suppose I could always change it into a phone appointment. So, I won't worry about that yet!

pumpkin pecan pie

2006-11-20T21:31:00.000-08:00

Around my side of the family, no Christmas or Thanksgiving meal would be complete without pumpkin pecan pie. It's such a wonderful treat.

We celebrated Thanksgiving early with my side of the family on Nov. 18th and this was my contribution.

Here's the recipe:
Pie Crust for shell only:
1c. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 c. butter/shortening
2-3 Tbsp. cold water

With fork or pastry blender, work in butter/shortening until coarse crumbs, add water last. Roll dough out on a pastry cloth and place in pie plate.

Pumpkin Pecan Filling:
3 eggs
1 c. dark corn syrup
1/2 c. sugar
1/4 c. melted butter
1 c. canned pumpkin
1 tsp. vanilla
1 c. pecan halves

Beat eggs well. Add corn syrup, sugar, melted butter, vanilla and pumpkin until well blended.

Arrange pecan halves on the bottom of the unbaked pie crust. Slowly pour pumpkin mixture over. Bake @ 350 degrees for 1 hour or until a knife inserted in the middle comes out clean.

Serve w/ cool whip or whipped cream.

Give a Cheer, Botox is Here

2006-11-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

To read more about the last few weeks, read here.

Woohoo! Today is Botox day. I've been waiting for this since mid-July. My flickr friend JaGrump. She is so kind of me to drive the hour long distance for me to get this procedure.

She is my little photographer friend so I'm sure we'll get some good pics of the before Botox me and the after. Will it make my face puffy? Will I looks Gaw-Gious?!! Don't know....

I am quite hopeful it will help with some headaches, even if it is the tension ones. If it helped the menstrual migraines too, well then SO BE IT!!

Only time will tell, but in the meantime....

Give a Cheer, Botox is HERE!

arrgh, some things suck matey!

2006-10-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

oh man, the last few weeks have been freakin' crazy. I'm going to be writing on my other blog most of the time now. It's a journal of my chronic migraines so I can track how they behave, how frequent they are, what possible triggers there might be, etc.

If you are interested, it is called The Dawktor Is Out! I may get back here once in a while and update more exciting happenings such as our church harvest party (click the photo to see more photos of it). But like I said, I will be posting daily @ my other blog.

forgiveness....or the lack of it

2006-10-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

I seem to be terribly bad @ the whole forgiveness thing.

terribly bad....

I'm not going to kid around about it, and give the impression that i'm the kind of person who just takes a horribly hurtful offense and brushes it off, carrying on with the relationship as normal.

....just not able to do it.

And not that that's a good thing. Because, since I'm not able to forgive easily, I get a lot of anxiety with the person i'm having problems with. For instance, I could get a phone call and my pulse will start racing, I'll have to take deeper breaths, my stomache will churn and I'll even have difficulty thinking. It's a pretty strong and instantaneous response. It's not a whole lot of fun.

I will think about the person, see them, or even hear their name spoken and get the same feeling of anxiousness.

My pastor had a great point last week. That we tend to be offended by people when they disregard us and/or don't see who we are. I can think of so many times I've been offended and when you get right down to it, it's not so much as what the person said or acted like, it's why they did it.

So often I wish that people could see how they've hurt me and just apologize. Whether they agree what they did/didn't do was wrong, just apologize because it's wounded me.

It just doesn't seem to happen.

I'm really having a problem with a family member right now. I don't feel like I can tell the person how I feel because I'm so mad that I think I'll make the situation worse by spitting out the way I feel in a mean way that would involve a few swear words.

And why?

Because they don't understand me. And I ask myself why I care so much. Why can't I just say to myself: Oh well, that person just doesn't get me...that's their problem not mine.

Nope, I want to smack'em up aside of the head, yell in their face and say "how dare you..."

I've lost friendships, am losing friendships and having stress with family members all because I have such a struggle with unforgiveness.

I guess letting go of hurt is a process. I just wish I could push the fastforward button sometimes...

seizures and stuff

2006-10-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

Last night i suddenly, and i mean suddenly came down with the flu. woke up this a.m. and still had it. could've been worse but still very tired and achey. this afternoon i slept 1 1/2 hrs. after tse got home from school. lucky for me he's a good kid and entertained himself. i was watching hogan's heroes with him, and before i knew it i was out like a light!

fortunately i felt a bit better after i woke up, but i didn't go to max-ay's out of town game tonight just to take care of myself. about the time the game was over i got a call from one of the mom's and she said that papa d's dad was at the game, and that he had a seizure. they were going to take him to the hospital in the ambulance.

from what she described, and what papa d said later, it sounds like it was a pretty rough one. so i farmed all the kids off for the night overnight and went to the hospital to be with my honey. they did a CAT scan and an x-ray because he fell and hit his head during the seizure. evidentally this is about his 3rd one in three years, the last one being 6 mos. ago, so hopefully maybe tomorrow we will find out what's going on and if there's anything that can be done.

pretty crazy stuff and hard for papa d to watch his dad like that. we are doing o.k. though and he is resting well @ the hospital as they have him pretty drugged up right now.

i'll post again after we know a little more about how he's doing.

jenn & jacob's wedding

2006-10-10T07:21:00.000-07:00

Had a super fabulous time @ our niece Jenn's wedding. It was so beautiful and everyone looked great. She has 4 children (woops~I thought she had 3!!) and they were all so adorable. Jenn is Papa D's niece from his oldest half-brother. We don't see them very often so it was great catching up with everyone.

It was great to see our nephew Brandon too. He has 2 little girls now and they are sooooo adorable. Bailey is 3 and Marly was born in June. The both have amazing eyes and look so much like their mama!! We got to spend quite a bit of time visiting with them so that was one of the highlights of the trip.
He is pictured here with his wife and kids, and Papa D's older sister, her husband and daughter. Besides Papa D's Dad and his girlfriend, we were the only family memebers that could make it to this wedding. It's like a 5 hour drive, but was well worth it.
I'm so happy with how this photo turned out of my father-in-law. I think I'm going to give it to him for his birthday in an 8x10. This is his newest great grandchild. He has 7 great grandchildren now!

I took a lot of photos of the trip there and back home too, but i haven't cropped them up yet. I spent yesterday morning helping in tse's kindergarten class and then washed some comforters @ the laundry mat and then went and took some portraits of my nephew. fun times...!!

Fundraiser for Thai Orphans

2006-10-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

These are the cinnamon rolls I made for my neighbor and her family. She helped clean and organize my basement two weekends ago and i am making her dinner, one every thursday night, for 4 weeks. Last night i made breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls. my cinnamon rolls didn't raise very high, either because i didn't have the dough rising in a big enough bowl or because my yeast was a little old.

anyway, the recipes can be found in february and march '06 archives.

more on the botox update:
i asked the PA neurologist to refer me to someone else for the procedure, since i was sick and tired of dealing with dr. no botox. within a few hours he contacted me to say yes he would, and within 2 days the new clinic called and schedule me for mid november. i didn't mind waiting because 1) i never want to go to dr. no botox's clinic AGAIN, 2) they explained that she does it every other thursday and that was the soonest opening they had.

I like explanations that make sense. I'm reasonable...

This weekend we are traveling 4 hours to Eastern Washington state. my husband's niece Jenny is getting married. she has three kids and this is her first marriage. she is a nice girl and we are excited about sharing this day with her. i'm going to take my camera but try to restrain myself from taking lots of pictures.

last weekend we got a free universal gym (big piece of exercise equipment). I helped Papa D bring it in the house and the thing was frickin' heavy. i think i pulled a muscle in my shoulder because it is really aching. sometimes it hurts pretty bad so i'm trying to take care of it. i really don't need any more problems!

I think all the camera holding and computer keyboarding has added to it as well.

tonight the hubs has taken the kids to one of the local high school's football homecomings. i should have went because my niece is cheerleading for the team and i haven't gone to watch her yet. i'm not going because 1) there's more tidying i want to do before we leave (we are having a past babysitter of ours house/dog sit for the weekend. she cleans houses and i told her to clean mine but i have to do a little first...trust me, i'm still leaving her some disgusting stuff!) 2)i have been trying to avoid my niece's dad (brother-in-law) for some pretty rude comments he's made about my health - to my face and not to my face - so i've been giving him the silent treatment. if i don't see him or talk to him i won't have to deal with the negative feelings i have towards his insensitivity. 3) it's kinda nice to have the house to myself! (even though i tried to guilt papa d into staying and help me clean up the house...)

so there you have it, the latest and greatest to CD's unfolding life.

wait, there's more. i forgot that i haven't mentioned anything about my fundraiser i am doing. i have made a 2007 calendar with some of my best photos. well, May is a picture that Papa D took, but the rest are mine!!

I got a local photo shop to print the calendars for $10 a piece when they usually charge $30. I told them that the proceeds from the sale would go to the needs we will be seeing on our trip to Thailand (with our church) in January '07. I am charging $21 dollars and am hoping to sell 150. so far i have sold 8 and have a few more spoken for.

in a few weeks i'll be taking them to my church to sell some, and i'll print out some flyers that they can give to family/friends in hopes that by word of mouth i will sell more. i may also go to a few businesses and see if i can put some out there.

they are really unique and i'm quite pleased and proud of it. they are printed on matte photo paper and are one-sided, so the photos can be cut out and matted or displayed, whatever, after the month is over. so the prints for each month are beautiful because they are actual photos.

here's what the front and back look like. if you are interested in buying some, e-mail me: cameradawktor@yahoo.com and we'll figure out the shipping. I accept paypal or money order, but can't ship until the money orders have cleared. my paypal account is the same as my e-mail address.

like i said, the proceeds will all go to thai kids that live @ khaodee orphanage, young people going to high school/university that have been orphaned or are from extremely poor families, and/or young women in their early twenties who are attending school for the first time (they would have been sold into prostitutuion). so besides helping out w/ food, clothing and shelter, it looks like some will also be going to education.

our trip is january 8-18 and i will obviously be photo documenting the trip and also the distrubution of the money I'm raising. if this calendar idea goes well, i will probably do a 2008 calendar w/ the photos of thailand and the kids, with the proceeds of that going back to them as well.

Here's a peak of what they look like. One calendar is 8oz. so shipping will not be too bad.

This is the first time that any of my photos have been for sale. and even though i am not profiting from it, i'm hoping it will encourage me to begin marketing my work. i love photography and have found it to be so extremely therapeutic. i'm even encouraging an old high school classmate of mine, who used to be in photography with me, to pick up the camera again. her family is going through an extremely difficult time and i'm encouraging her to capture the beautiful moments in life, in order to remember that there is still good in the world....

still no bo

2006-10-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

i think i mentioned recently that my botox appointment was finally made. the receptionist, on the evening she called, asked if i could come in next Thursday (can you see where i'm going with this?...) and i said sure. so on thursday i took my neighbor some dinner, the one i traded cleaning my basement for making her dinners, then went to show papa d a project i've been working on.

when i got home, the receptionist had left a message which said, "I'm calling in regards to your botox appt. that you missed." Yup, you heard right....MISSED!

so i called back to reschedule and a different lady told me that the secretary would call me back. that was last thursday, today is tuesday. still no call back. surprised? absolutely not!

so today i called. i was dreading that because i knew EXACTLY how the conversation was going to unfold and i did NOT want to deal with it. however, there's no one to take care of me but me, so i did.

I was told that the doctor scheduled special sessions for botox and they did not know when he'd be doing it again. they would call me when he set up those days again.

I said, do you think it will be this month?

I don't know, she said.

Like i'm supposed to be satisified with that answer?! yah, right.

allright i said sweetly through gritted teeth.

*curse words racing through my brain...

i will not be trapped by these so called health care professionals. i'm not just going to suck up to their "we'll get to you when we get to you" type attitude. nope! not anymore.

so i sent an e-mail to the new guy i'm seeing and told them that there'd been a "misunderstanding" and that i missed my appt. i said it took me 2 1/2 mos. to get it and after calling 2x, i still did not have a reschedule and they were giving me no indication when they would.

within a few hours he e-mailed back and i am getting a new referral to someone else. i have no gauruntees when they will get me in but I DO NOT CARE. i will never do business with this other clinic again, and i will let anyone and everyone i know to do the same.

Pet Peeves

2006-10-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm feeling a little fiesty tonight, or to put it more blunty, a little BIT*#Y. So I'm going to rant a little.

I don't know about you, but I have a few pet peeves. I'm only going to discuss two of them here, because they're the things I've been thinking about lately.

1) complaining about where you live, as if the city itself is "oppressive", bad, evil, depressing, what have you....

I really get annoyed when people roll their eyes and talk about the town I live in. I hate it when the name of my city rolls off their tongue like poison, as if that just driving through town will somehow seep into their pores and toxify them.

Balogna!

I think that people that use this cop-out are extremely short-sighted, and not very self-aware. A location cannot "depress" you, a city cannot change your mood, an area cannot give you negative thoughts. I think my town gets blamed for a lot of people's unhappiness with themselves and others, and their personal problems.

It's always annoyed me when people do this, the eye rolling and the exaggerated expressions, but lately my intolerance has grown leaps and bounds. Since I've been walking everyday, I realize more and more how beautiful this area is. I'm sure if I lived somewhere else I'd think the same thing. Beauty is always around, sometimes we are just not looking for it.

This is not anyone or anything else's problem if we are blind to this fact, it is our own.

I am amazed at the simplest things that are beautiful. The way the sun hits the water and dances off the underneath of a bridge, the way the weeds form seed pods, the ducks that swim in the sloughs, the leaves turning brilliant red/orange/yellow, the way a country road winds and how the walking path curves into another beautiful adventure.

These things have always been here, I just whizzed right past them. Many things I've been seeing lately I had no idea were around. There are so many wonderful people here, just as there are wonderful people where you live. The sun does shine, the sky is sometimes blue, and every once in a while there is a sunset.

If you are looking for it.

Anyone who drives into this town and immediately gets depressed has brought their own psychological baggage with them in the vehicle and chooses to unzip the bag the minute they hit the first stoplight in town....

2) *I could really get in trouble for this one depending on who reads this...
God will provide...

Sometimes, but not always, this mindset really annoys me. Now let me clarify something. I do think God provides. I'm a person of Faith and believe that God can and does help us.

But sometimes I think people use this term too flippantly and use it as an excuse for laziness and impulsiveness.

This statement can often be a big cop-out.

I believe that God gives us a brain, he wants us to use it. I believe he helps us to find jobs, which pay for the things we need, and to provide things for others who need it. I believe he provides people who love and care for us, and people who we can love and care about. I believe he provides safety, food, clothing and help to meet our needs.

I believe he provides us with a mind that's creative, that can think of wonderful and amazing futures for ourselves. I think He helps us, in all kinds of ways, to see these dreams made possible.

But sometimes, he wants us to help ourselves.

OOOOH, shock and awe. Is this heresy she speaks?

For example, maybe I have an idea, let's say its the upcoming mission trip to thailand that we are going on. I think God's all about this sort of thing. Does that mean that at a moment's notice, without a lot of financial planning, that I/we (my husband and I) think others are going to be moved to fund this trip? Absolutely not! However, does that mean I think that we shouldn't trust God to help us meet the financial demands of going? Heavens no!

I think he wants to work hard, in anticipation of going? To sell assetts that he has helped us acquire, because going is worth something to us. It's not just an investment of our time, but of our money. If someone else pays for us to go, where's the real sacrifice for us? Financial sacrifice is a giving of ourselves, that's just as important of an aspect as is the giving of our time. I think there's a satisfaction that comes, in showing your commitment to a certain group of people, or a cause, in the giving of your PERSONAL time, energy and money.

It sounds harsh, but I think it's laziness to just assume that God has given you a great idea, and that miraculously, poof!* everything you need is going to just plop into your lap by a magic angel/fairy.

This most certainly doesn't mean that I think we can't trust God to help us, it just means that I think God sees absolutely nothing wrong with us also helping ourselves. We're not brainless, we aren't incapable, there's nothing wrong with using these faculties to help work toward a goal that God wants to help us with.

O.k., now i have to end this note on a positive foot, so here's some pictures lately of some of the beautiful things I've been enjoying around town.

Can somebody say AMEN?!

R U happy in life yet?

2006-09-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

http://flickr.com/photos/15019649@N00/246230439/

this photo is by my flickr friend and contact jagrump. please click the link to go to this photo or any of her other photos. she is my friend and i couldn't get this pic in any other way. i'm sure she won't mind as i'm giving her credit. although i did find the rock, she just took the picture!

o.k., here's the scoop!
last night while making dinner i get a phone call from dr. no botox (well the nurse anyway) wanting to schedule a botox treatment for next week. immediately i start having symptoms of anxiety and can't think really well. i know, or am fairly certain, that my referral to him got nixed when i asked to see the dr. who specializes specifically in headache & migraine, but i make an appt. anyway to cover my butt.
i mean, i deserve that after being strung along for 3+ mos.
but when i get off the phone, i start stressing because i have no referral, and how could i get one in time? i'm convinced i have to cancel, and this could possibly waste his $250 precious dollars that he's so concerned about. and, she will probably ask why i'm not going to see him anymore, which causes more anxiety because i want to yell all the things i'm mad about, but then don't want to be labeled a looney tune.
so i really get in a funk, bad mood, stressed, worried, anxious. just the yucks.
until i start filling out the incredibly detailed questionaire from dr. swsih&m (get the initials?) i realize that this guy's going to be REAL thurough, something i've been needing and wanting.
gosh wait, can i actually get some hope in someone helping me? alas....
so by the time i go to bed i have calmed down and feel much better.
wake up @ 5 a.m. to go to dr. swsih&m who is 1+ hr. away + morning traffic. but on the way i start feeling anxiety again because should i ask him if he thinks i should get botox? and how will i get a referral in time? and what will i have to tell dr. no botox's nurse about why i don't want to see him anymore?....
i get in the appt. and he starts asking me REALLY SPECIFIC QUESTIONS. i am a little stressed because i want to make sure i'm answering right. because if i don't answer to clearly communicate what's going on, how can he help me? some things are hard to describe and there were so many medications to remember and how i responded to treatment...and what mg's was i taking with each one?
at one point he did not understand what i was trying to say and maybe i was insecure, but i got the impression he thought i was an idiot.
actually, after a while, i realize that he didn't think that i was an idiot. he gave me a few compliments about how i did so i felt reassured. fortunately the hubs went w/ me and spoke up about botox. he said i should DEFINITELY try it and that he personally would request another referral.
so, next thrs @ 1:15 pm i will get shot up w/ pig crap, or whatever they make that stuff out of. anyway, if it works for me, and i continue regular injections, it will be as my cool friend ian suggested, i will be the hottest looking 60 year old grandma (eventually) because i will be wrinkle free.
now that's something to look forward to, is it not?
also, i am still in limbo w/ the two meds i feel are interacting w/ each other, because i don't go back for another month. he will review everything i told him and read thuroughly through my medical chart.
*which by the way, has to be FREAKING HUGE!!!*
and make a definitive diagnosis. from there he will make decisions about how we will proceed.
(so skip over this part if you are a man or are particularly queasy about womanly stuff...)
the sucky part is i will have to bleed everyday for a month until i go back. right now it's pretty bad so i hope it will simmer down. at least i am feeling much better than i was.
in all respects, i should be miserable right now with the nature of my problems, but this past week, i have been breezing through. of course it hasn't been perfect but considering past history, it's been remarkable.
my friend stephjaychrisben asked if all the walking/exercise has been helping. i answered yes, i think it has. virtually 7x week for 5 or so weeks, @ 2 miles a day or more.
man, you should see my calves, they are getting rock hard in such a short time. wahoo! (nice to see results)
my pain clinic meeting went well this afternoon too, so much doesn't apply to me except that i share similar emotions w/ everyone else. but it was mentioned to me that 45 min. away there is an accupuncture place, that when you attend a group session, only costs $20. so it's something i might want to try in a few months, especially if it doesn't seem that the botox has helped.
these things i would never know about if i didn't go to the pain clinic, so it's worth my time. besides, it will reflect in my medical charts that i am trying, that i'm not a hypochondriac or a complete whack job.
*because i am convinced across my files that it says in big yellow letters (because i like yellow)
BEWARE, THIS WOMAN IS A COMPLETE WHACK JOB!
in answer to the question of the title to this post:
today i am very happy. i am encouraged, i dare to trust, i dare to hope and am quite ready to be thankful for such a small favor...to be taken seriously and listened to.

so this post will lack substance

2006-09-24T18:06:00.001-07:00

my long lost buddy old pal chuck croll invited me to take this quiz:

Which File Extension are You?

if you decide to take it too, let me know.

long story short, it was a good week, pain was minimal and completely manageable. super great week.

the "female" doctor appointment went well, i'll elaborate more later after my headache clinic appt., and others later this week. hopefully we'll be coming up with a new little plan. the first one helped, but hopefully this one will be better. that's what we're hoping for. forward progress, slow but steady.

last night MadE's mom Amy came over for some major cleaning of the basement. was so nice to have help and now the house doesn't feel so overwhelming. in trade, i am making her four dinners, one for the next four thursday nights. that's her busiest night of the week, and she has went back to school, has 5 kids, 2 are in soccer, has youth group and home groups at her house. busy lady.

so she helped me and now i will help her!

i'm jazzed and hope she wants to come back in a month or two to tackle some of the upstairs. it was great hanging out with her too. she's pretty funny and its nice to have a girlie friend that's close to my own age, haven't had that for awhile.

tonight it's frozen burritos for dinner w/ big daddy p and his little brother coop.

oh, and i have come up with this fundraising idea for our thailand trip coming up in january, i'll let you know all about that soon.

hallelujah!

2006-09-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

sometimes you have to push your weight around to get the ball moving...

hallelujah! Dr. J (the PC) just sent me an e-mail and said i could go to portland, or salem, my pick. just call and make the appointment. i was like....what? that was so easy!!

(that "it's OK" mantra i've been repeating to myself for days now was really true!)

*seriously, i was having so much anxiety about this on friday that i did this! positive self-talk...*

anyway, i called salem and evidentally there is no "headache clinic" as such, but a physician's assistant who deals primarly with headache/migraine just like dr. j had said.

guess when i'm going?

september 27th! and i don't have to go to salem, just to tualitain, but i'll have to get up realllllllyyyyy early. hopefully papa d will take the day off work and go with me, and maybe the kids can spend the night somewhere so they can get off to school. i know my parents and friends will help, this is a really big deal.

so wahoo! i am going to the obgyn this week to get her advice on what to do for the menstrual migraines. i'm telling her that i'm not doing anything until i see the PA. they can talk to each other if they want, and i see the new psych on the 28th to talk about the lamictal. hopefully all three of them will talk to each other. we'll see what the PA says about the botox since i still haven't gotten it and still don't even have an appointment.

oh man, i feel like a big weight has lifted off me. even though i always start off hopeful with a new doctor (even though most times it ends up being disappoiting) i think this is a big step. if he can't help me, they are going to have to step it up to another level and send me to the oregon health sciences university or something....aren't i so special?! *i don't wanna be special....

keep fingers crossed for me, prayers up, attitudes positive, etc. i say this to myself as well.

little update

2006-09-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting for my secure password to come in the mail from my health insurance company and yesterday it arrived. wahoo!

I e-mailed my pc about the neurologist dillema and asked for him to refer me to the headache clinic 3 hrs. away and in the meantime, while i'm waiting for the appointment, to let me go to a different neurologist to do the botox.

wish me luck!

there is absolutely no reason that he should say no to me. i think he's great, and am sure there won't be a problem.

but....

*(because there's always a but)

but....if he says no, well then i'll see if that quick care dr. is taking new patients and see her. if i can't i'll ask her who to see and see that person.

thanks for your support everyone!

yesterday i had a pretty bad headache all day. i took some meds for it and it just wasn't doing much for me. but i started applying some of the things i've been learning in the pain clinic. it seemed like i was "managing" myself all day, but it kept the pain to a tolerable level, and when it got bad, and i implimented something i learned, it simmered down for a while.

these tools didn't fix me, but they sure helped me cope. i have a feeling i might have ended up in quick care again if i hadn't tried some of these things.

i used ice for 10-15 min. at a time, waited an hour, then reapplied.

i used tiger balm, like stinking all day, and am sure smelt quite like a tiger by the evening.

i used guided imagery about 5x for 20 min. sessions each. this helped a lot and i think was the biggest help to me of the day.

i started my day off with fresh air and walk even though i was hurting.

i tried deep breathing about as many times as i could remember to do it.

the worst thing for me was going to pick up tse from school and running two errands. i knew i shouldn't do it, but did it anyway. i had been able to keep the pain down, but by the last stop, it really started to skyrocket and was much harder to manage after that.

guess i shouldn't let any reason be an excuse to overdo it on days like that. it's just that, sometimes, maybe it's pride, but you want to be like those people who just push through things and get things done. but it sure wasn't smart for me yesterday, and none of the reasons were good enough to do what it ended up doing to me.

lessons learned~

o.k., so i haven't posted in a while...

2006-09-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

well, doesn't seem like anyone reads this anymore. maybe 'cause i haven't been good about checking anyone else's blog.

i've just been spending the bulk of my time on photography...surprise anyone?!

so, i haven't posted in a while. want to know why that is?

well, last friday i saw the neurologist. the one i'm waiting on for botox. the one i've waited 3 mos. to see. guess how long he spent talking to me?...

you probably guessed right...less than ten minutes. i was so shocked when he got up and shook my hand that i let him just walk right out of the room.

of course i told him my concerns with my medication, but he gave me absolutely no suggestions, not even the "go talk to dr. so and so about it" line. highly disappointing. do you think i walked out of there with a botox appointment? well, of course not!

then that day i had quite a bad headache, took quite a few meds to get it under control. soccer jamboree was saturday and that was a crazy day, but i felt so good that that evening we went to leroy and jenny's farm in grays river, took max-ay and tse's friends big daddy p and cooper, had an ABSOLUTE blast.

but, sunday a.m. woke up with a KILLER migraine and i mean killer. maybe it was 'cause i o.d.'ed on chocolate. shoot, i know better than that. soooo stupid! anyway, it picked up speed and the pain was absolutely out of control within a few hours. when my kids are walking around upstairs and i'm in the basement (we have a big house, 2800 sq. ft) and i am writhing in agony from the noise, then wishing i was dead...well, that's just a sign that i'm pretty bad off. duh, right?!

so you can bet that @ 10 a.m. when the clinic opened i was there in quick care looking for the i.v. meds again. unfortunately, one i.v. fluid bag and 3 meds later my pain was tolerable, but still there. i had the hubs take me to my parents (now that's a quiet place) had a bite to eat and took a snooze. probably only 45 min. and took a few more meds before my rest. when i woke up i felt perfect. very tired from all the pain and drugs but no headache. wahoo!

while in quick care the attending dr. had treated me a month ago. first thing she asked was "what's going on with the neurologist". i couldn't even talk for a few minutes because i was crying. she suggested i see a neurologist an hour away. i said good idea but i am more than ready to go to the headache clinic that is 3 hrs. away. she said it was MY decision what i wanted to do and that i should tell my primary care dr. what my decision was. but she HIGHLY suggested i see someone different.

oh, and i forgot to tell you that wonderfully polite neurologist actually asked me (because believe it or not i have improved, but with still unacceptable results) if i wanted to POSTPONE the botox. hello? like i haven't already postponed it? is he a freaking idiot? is he just lazy? does he actually not want to do it and just was seeing if we could bag the idea? since when is 2-3 migraines a week acceptable?

so as you can see, i needed some validation. the last thing i wanted to do is change neurologist. he has only seen me twice and tried one med. but....who is going to advocate for me but me?

so these are the things i've been mulling over. i decided that i am going to e-mail my pc about it and am waiting for my password to come in the mail. also, next week i have an obgyn appointment to talk about the medicine that is treating my menstrual migraines, and have found a new psych to talk about if i can increase the mood stabilizer/migraine med. i am doing all of this because the neurologist had absolutely nothing to say about this and i was hoping that he would give some guidance, imput, suggestions about this.

i mean, like i'm supposed to know what to do .... last time i checked i was the patient....

on another note i started a pain clinic. it meets for 8 weeks and i just had my second meeting yesterday. i am going to try to take as much away from it as i can. the one real interesting/helpful thing i have learned so far is this:

chronic pain, especially over a long period of time, sensitizes the nerves to pain. nerves become "hypersensitive" and are less able to block pain messages that go to the brain. this explains why two people with the same problem experience differences in their pain levels. i have had pain problems since childhood, so obviously my pain blocking capabilities and nerves are fried.

the goal in the pain clinic is to explore different methods of helping the body block these pain messages, identify treatments that at least help, and finally devise a pain management plan. since my pc quit filling my percocet perscription (ok, i admit, i did abuse it...you don't want to hear that story), but it helped when everything else failed.

i am hoping that the clinic will help me learn new and better ways of coping because the ones i invented myself are downright shitty, unhealthy and usually flat out dangerous. i really wish i would have done something like this a long time ago.

new things i am trying:
going walking everyday
deep breathing
guided imagery (relaxation technique)
music therapy
getting fresh air and enjoying the beauty of nature

things i want to try:
accupressure
botox
aromatherapy
biofeedback

i am really hoping that my new psych will refer me to a relaxation class that includes learning biofeedback. the class is an hour away but who the hell cares? i am wanting to go anyway....

so these are the things that have been rolling around in my brain, disturbing me quite a lot and i haven't wanted to talk about them...until now.

so there ya have it!

remembering 9/11

2006-09-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

i could tell you what i was doing when the twin towers fell.

i could tell you who i was with, what i thought and how i felt.

but i will save that for another day....

i will tell you this, it's when i realized that the lives of all Americans had changed forever....

you may be wondering why a picture of my son would represent 9/11 for me....

i didn't lose a loved one
i didn't lose a friend
i don't know anyone who was there
i have never been to NYC or to the east coast for that matter

but my life has changed since 9/11, and if you are an American, or even if you are not, your world has changed too.

i was mesmerized by the news during that time and really felt bad for what was happening. i knew that things would change, that things had changed, but i didn't know how or when.

then, one day i made a trip to the public library. i wanted to rent a movie but forgot my card at home. normally, i would just tell them my name, they would type it into the computer, and off i'd go.

but not this day, and not since....

the public library wanted to see my i.d. to rent the movie. and, they said they wouldn't rent to me anymore unless i HAD my card.

what was all the security over renting a movie? why should i have to prove who i was to check something out at the public library?

right then it hit me, my world had changed. just like i would never know a time that there were horses and carriages instead of cars, my kids would never know a time that didn't involve security of all kinds.

do i resent the change? of course not, we are all aware that evil exists and we need to take measures to keep people safe.

but its sad....because the innocence is gone. the innocence of trust and being relaxed.

it is gone.....

my children will read about it in books, learn about it in school, and watch movies. but they won't truly understand how things are different. how the world changed on one day.

and i realized all of this at the library...

humility: the state or quality of being humble

2006-09-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

humility, quite different from being humiliATEd.

this is one of the qualities i love most about my husband. it is a piece of his character that is unmoveable and unchangeable.

the opposite of humility is pride and conceitedness. this is the thing that he finds most difficult to tolerate in others. it's not just a pet peeve, it's something that disgusts him.

mine is truthfulness. i have a really high value for the truth. lie to me, and i will have a difficult time trusting you again. i just can't stand it. and, i think that's one of the things my husband likes most about me.

*what made me think of all this? this praying mantis. i have never seen one before in the wild, let alone where i live. we saw it at my brother-in-law's this weekend for our annual Dawktor family "tennis tournament" weekend. the kids found it and were soooo fascinated by it. of course, i had to get some pictures. i think the shots i got of this guy are some of the best macro pics i've ever done. i am so glad they turned out good, because i've noticed things about this guy that i couldn't see with my naked eye, not until i looked at the photo.

aren't his eyes cool? and i love his bended legs. like he really is praying....i'm sure that's how he got his name!

i really felt that this depicted him in a state of humility, in an attitude of prayer. here are some more of this cool looking dude:

i'm afraid this is my future....

2006-09-03T00:41:00.000-07:00

oh my GOSH! i must be so bored or way too tired. but i decided to do a search on youtube for funny dancing.

this is what i found. my boys do the booty spanking thing WAY TOO MUCH and i KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that this is my future!

run in fear people. i thought only girls were this silly....

Getting Funky on the Dance Floor

2006-09-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

TSE dancing to five for fighting's new song. I tried to video PapaD, he was acting like a real corn ball. but he stopped when he saw me turn the video on.

after TSE was done he asked if i was going to put it on my blog...

SPF & i'm now blogging in beta!!

2006-08-31T21:01:00.000-07:00

you heard it right folks, i am now blogging in BETA!!!!

this week's SPFhas no thing. Kristine wants us to post our support, our sacrifice and something red.

1)my support:
I was going to say my husband supports me (yada, yada..everyone will say that right?) but i should probably show something that i/we help with that's philanthropic. so........we are going to Thailand in January. we, meaning my hubs, daughter and i. our church supports an orphanage for children that come from the hill tribes of northern thailand. some are orphans, some have only one parent, but all cannot go to school in this remote area. so some live there just for that. we will visit these children, some young women escaping a future life of prostitution who are going to school for the first time, some young people who our church members are paying for their high school and college educations and an old woman who takes in anyone. since i haven't been there yet, i don't have my own photo to post so here's one i've borrowed from the web. please go view this, many of the tribal children we will see are from the Karen tribe who populate northern thailand and burma. http://flickr.com/photos/ciskatobing/74309359/

2)my sacrifice: last sunday was our church picnic and baptism gathering @ a private residence on the Columbia River. it is an annual event, but i have never attended. a man that i used to attend youth group with in high school was getting baptized, and i was very excited about that. in my zealousness for getting the perfect shot of this special event, i forgot my cell phone was in my pocket. right after he went under and came back up, these big waves started hitting the shore and jostled us around. that was pretty cool....anyway...on my pastor's advice i let my cellphone dry out before i powered it back up. it works, barely, and i have no more screen! but at least i can make and recieve calls! to see his baptism photos you will have to go to my flickr page, but here's my favorite one of the set.

3)something red:
need i say more? *red has always been my favorite color!

Did you play?

5 weird things about me...

2006-08-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

i know this picture is blurry but this old lady looked so hillarious i had to put it up, imperfections and all....
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Lawanda has tagged me for the weird me meme.

Here are the rules: List 5 weird things about yourself or your pets. Tag 5 friends and list them. Then, those people need to write on their blogs about 5 weird things, and state the rules, and tag 5 more people. Dont forget to let the people you tag know by posting a comment on their blog!

I tag: Jana, Donna K, Alison Koh, Sthrn by Grace and Tee.

Weird Fact #1: i love peanut butter. i put peanut butter and white cream cheese on my bagels. i eat peanut butter & syrup on my french toast, waffles and pancakes. i like peanut butter and apples, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream. my hubs think it is WEIRD to eat peanut butter in the morning, but any hour of the day is fine with me!

Weird Fact #2: i hate ironing. my husband has to dress nice for work everyday, he works for our county and has a desk job. he doesn't have to wear a suit and tie, but dress pants and shirts. I DO NOT IRON THEM! he has finally resorted to buying wrinkle free everything as he was going to work with wrinkley clothes WAY TOO OFTEN! it's probably not weird to hate ironing but weird to let your hubs go to work looking like a slob!

Weird Fact #3: i love the smell of gasoline, rubber cement, permanent markers and white out. when i was really little i used to go with my dad to the gas station and hang my head out the window while he filled up! when i was in grade school i used to sniff the rubber cement during Camp Fire Girl Meetings. When i was in High School i could sometimes be caught sniffing my white out!

for proof, go to stephjaychrisben's photo of me in high school here: http://flickr.com/photos/51753925@N00/202560159/

Weird Fact #4: i hate flossing my teeth. i never do it!

Weird Fact #5: i plant flowers and never water them.

O.K., i hope you'll play too!

on being thankful

2006-08-31T00:32:00.000-07:00

Water Balloon
Originally uploaded by 3rd foundation.

so being thankful is something i'm not that good at. it's surely not an automatic response, as it rarely occurs.

and this most beautiful lady was teaching tonight at church. the kind that makes you want to barf. the kind that looks like she has NO problems....but then i have to remember that she's a PERSON and all people have PROBLEMS!

anyway, she was talking about being thankful, and i was thinking...yah right lady. go ahead and be thankful!

but then tonight happened.

i don't know if i have ever come right out and said it before, but i have been diagnosed bipolar II. there's a lot i could say about that, but won't. what i do want to say, is that it can be awfully hard to live with someone whose emotions are more powerfully expressed and driven more strongly than most. it can be awfully hard to experience these pressingly strong emotions. it can be awfully hard to have a parent or a child whose moods fluctuate and aren't always based in logic or reason.

so why would that make me thankful?

because i have a husband that sees me TRYING even if i am imperfect or fail miserably.

because i have a husband that forgives some sometimes severe abuse i throw his way.

because i have children that are beautiful, smart, compassionate and caring.

because i can understand people that others are confused by.

because even though i sometimes experience negative emotions in a very powerful way, i can experience good ones in a similarly intense manner.

because i can be absorbed by things that interest me and get lost in the imaginative creative thoughts of my mind.

because i have found a passion in photography again which has allowed me to find beauty and art in everyday things.

because i know i can hate God, be angry with him, call him names, tell him to *F! off and that he understands and is patient with me, and knows i have faith to withstand my anger and confusion with him.

because i love people, and people need to be loved.

because i can make mistakes, and still be forgiven.

because the more i try, the better i get. that old habits can be broken and new, better behaviors can become more automatic.

because i can be.......thankful that is, even if life is messy.

First Day of Kindergarten

2006-08-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

today it was official! all three of my kids are in school! i had a morning free to myself and i didn't even have to pay a babysitter.

wahoo!

the kids were so excited this morning. especially the boys. they could hardly contain themselves! all three got to eat breakfast @ school, as meyers d had to be there early for safety patrol.

after i dropped them off i went to get starbucks for big daddy p's mom and i. the principal was hosting a coffee klatch for all the parents to visit with each other. but we didn't want the regular brew!

afterwards, i came home and got the dog and went for a walk. there's a walking path about a mile from my house. there's also a 4 mile lake in the middle of town. so my plan is to start walking every morning after they go to school.

no more excuses for not exercising! it has always been because of the kids, and now that i have FREE babysitting, no more excuses for me!

soon i will be starting a flickr set of photos of things i see on my walks. and, it will be good exercise for the dog.

the longest beach in the world

2006-08-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

the parade of flags
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

well, the longest beach in the world just hosted the largest kite festival in the world! we had a great time in longbeach, washington for my birthday!

there were lots of people, but it wasn't as crazy as i thought it was going to be.

i can't believe that i have never gone to this event before. it was so fabulous, and such marvelous weather for us.

as soon as we got on the boardwalk, i told max-ay to look for his friend big daddy p and his family. of course, this was just to keep him occuppied because it wasn't like we were actually going to bump into them with all the thousands of people. well we no more than got on the stairs to start the approach on the beach and big daddy p comes running up!

that was a super fabulous surprise. so we met back up with them in the evening, went to their little vacation house and had hot dogs and watched the fireworks together before heading back home.

woohoo!

as soon as we got on the beach, we were so hungry that even meyers d and i resorted to eating cold hot dogs! blaugh! but they were delish!

we went and looked at all the booths with things for sale, and found that the Illwaco HighSchool sports team was raising money for athletics by selling dinners. we got 4lbs. of steamer clams for $20 and an ear of super buttery corn each. i haven't posted those pics yet up on flickr but i'll let you know when i do!

we saw the world's record holder kite flyer man who is over 80 years old. he has a smokin' hot tan, so old ladies, watch out! still am working on those pics too.

all in all, it was definitely one of my top ten bdays of all time, if not higher. flying in a 4 seater plane to go to dinner in Scapoose, Oregon, flying home at sunset....that had to be #1, but this comes pretty dang close to that!

this is how i look on the morning i've turned thirty-five

2006-08-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

this is how i look on the morning i've turned thirty-five
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

so today's my thirty-fifth birthday. last night my parents took us to dinner at a mexican restaraunt. it was really great! papa d and i shared shrimp fajita and tse had quesadilla, while the other two had beef burritos.

poppies (my dad) bought 3 quacamoles to go with the chips & salsa they brought us. max-ay was running out and said, "I want more mockamole!" it was pretty funny.

after dinner i got up out of my chair, tse gave me a BIIIIIGGGG hug and said, "you're sweet.......AND SOUR!"

don't ask me where they get this stuff, really!

at bedtime when they said their prayers, max-ay and meyers d both prayed for me and thanked God that i was born. now how stinkin' sweet is that?!

this morning i laid in bed about as long as is humanly possible for me, got attacked by my kids and hubby, downloaded the pics off my memory card, posted this and a few other birthday dinner pics on flickr and now we are off to the store.

going to buy some hot dogs, buns, s'more supplies, doughnuts (for my birthday breakfast), starbucks coffee (because i DESERVE it) and head off to long beach, washington to see the kite festival. only a little over an hour away and i don't think we've ever been. should be fabulous, besides the thousands of people and kits, for playing and taking hundreds of pictures. whoopee! sounds like heaven to me.........

Glorious Heaven on Earth - Rialto Beach, Washington

2006-08-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

self-portrait @ low tide
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

this is soooo way long overdue. sorry folks. i've been flickering my photos (amongst laundry and getting kids ready to start school next week). i've had a couple make it to explore so i've been having fun tracking that!

this photo has had 380 views in like two days. i've never had a photo do that well, that fast. here's the other:

anywho, on with camping.

it was a four hour trip from our home and we left at 4:30 a.m. the kids were so great about it, and only TSE slept on the way, they were just too jacked up!

i had iced my leg and knee @ bedtime and taken some tylenol. i was a little sore after walking a mile but took some more tylenol. after that, i was A OK!

also, no headaches, not even pills to ward one off. woohoo! really, since my trip to the doctor for i.v. meds, i've only had to treat two headaches and they've gone away right away. could i be onto something here? i dare not think about it!!!

so the kids were loaded up with their packs and looking super cute. they had such good attitudes about packing stuff!

the first day was heavy with sea fog, but near dusk, the fog started to burn off and the most amazing rocks began to appear, that we couldn't see earlier! also, we had a spectacular sunset.

we camped right above the high tide mark, and were able to have a fire right on the beach. it was cold, but not as cold as i thought it was going to be, and never miserable. we got only a trace of rain, just the heavy sea fog would accumulate in the trees, and big drops would fall. but nothing to put a damper on our fun.

we were lulled to sleep by the sound of the waves crashing right below us, and there was about an hour, where the stars were brilliant and i saw a massive shooting star.

more info later. feel free to click on any photo and view the set on flickr. if you have a flickr profile, let me know and i'll add you as a friend contact so you can see all the photos on my flickr stream. i've had to make all the kids' photos private because of pesky perverts!

see ya after my camping trip

2006-08-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

see ya after my camping trip
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

oh yeah! my coumpa is made, my coffee cake is made, my eggs are scrambled and in a bag, my clothes are loaded, the kids are ready and hopefully going to sleep soon, my husband finally packed....

now, just to make sure i wake up at 4a.m.!!!

i am happy to report that the headaches i was so worried about have not plagued me this week. i am really hopeful and encouraged for this weekend, even though my doctor won't refill my percocet!

~i must have a lot of confidence. no actually, i was barely getting one this week, and took a combination of three things he wanted me to try and it really helped, and so far hasn't come back. that's 5 days straight feeling good, and it's been a while since i've had a stretch like that!

you'll never believe it, and i seriously hope you don't think i'm a major whiner, but i did something this afternoon that i've never done before.

bad karma....

i was getting out of my van at my mom's house, and i turned my left leg to get out, and i strained my knee. after i few minuites i could tell that i strained a groin muscle as well. i have never done that! what seriously bad timing. i was hoping to be so hopeful, hoping to make a couple of one mile trek's to our campsite packing our gear.

terrible timing. i'm going to go ice it and watch t.v. while i wait for my dishwasher to finish. i have to reload it and restart it and don't want to do that at four a.m.!!

***however, and i do mean this sincerely. i would much rather have a hurting leg than even deal with one migraine on this trip! shoot, i would even prefer to deal with kidney stones!!

here's hoping that you thuroughly enjoy one of your last weekend's of the summer!

The Priest a.k.a. my Grandfather

2006-08-17T00:32:00.000-07:00

The Priest
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

well hello again.

this lovely priest in this photo is my grandfather. the photo was taken by my grandmother, who was primarily an excellent cook and caterer, but also a fabulous photographer. i have a few of her wonderful pieces hanging in my house. and i don't have much on my walls to begin with....

anyway, my grandfather is reaching the peak of his 80's and is not able to get around very well at all anymore. sometimes crossing a room tires him out, as he has extremely low blood pressure. so he is not able to do any of the activities he once loved. i've heard, recently, that he no longer feeds his precious birds every morning and evening, some by hand~ mourning doves, thrashers, cactus wrens, quail, cardinal, and more. i know that if he could do nothing else during the day, besides walk to the table for a meal or cross the room to use the facilities, the only other thing he would do is feed the birds. so hearing that he can no longer do that, or do it very often, tells me how very little he can do.

all of that to say, he is no longer working at a living history museum. my grandmother, who passed away the day after thanksgiving this past year, was always the active one. she was involved in church, making meals for a few dozen to a hundred people every few weeks or even every week during the busy "snow bird months" that happen every year in southern arizona.

my grandmother was such a powerful presence, that she could easily overshadow most people in the room. my grandfather is quiet, where my grandmother, most certainly, was not.

his silence, and his few words, which often came out cuttingly, forbade me from ever getting close to him.

my grandfather had two activities that were his own. he worked at a food bank one day a week, helping sort food at a warehouse for those in need, and the other was a volunteer position at one of the oldest missions in arizona. once a year they would have living history re-enactments. and with his wrinkled skin, and white hair, he made the perfect fit for the role as the mission's priest. i think my grandmother did a fabulous job capturing him truly looking like he was performing that function.

i probably love this photo more, that my grandmother took it, and that wherever she lived, i loved. so in that, i am so fond of it. but even though my grandfather came officially in my life when i was five (he knew of me even when i was born), we never bonded.

or i suppose i should say, I never bonded with HIM.

one of the last things my grandmother said to me, as i so thankfully said "see ya later" to her, is to keep in touch with my grandfather.

"he really loves you kids," she said.

i had never told her how many times he had hurt my feelings and angered me. i never told her that as she laid in the hospital after her colon surgery during her first cancer bout ten years ago, how he snapped at me, and hurt my feelings so, after i had talked to her on the phone.

i never told her any of it. and sadly, i doubt she recognized any of those feelings i had, or chose to ignore them.

so i did what anyone would say to the most precious person in their life the last time they would speak to them on earth.

i lied.

well, i thought for her i could do it. i could find a way to keep in touch.

but when it came down to it, i just couldn't.

calling her was always so hard because i was afraid he was going to answer. he is just one of those people that having any conversation, let alone a phone conversation with, is so strained.

i would think, really think, really hard....ahead of time; planning what i was going to say so i wouldn't feel too uncomfortable.

i tolerated him because of her.

after she was gone i guess i just decided to do what was true in my heart. why pretend anymore? i felt , deep inside, that all these years he had tolerated me because of her, tolerated, but did not love me.

about a month ago, i asked my mother how he was doing. she told me all that i have explained to you above.

then, she said something quite amazing. she said that grandpa wanted to make the trip from southern arizona to sw washington to see the grandkids and great grandkids.

my mouth just about dropped open!

first of all, because he can't get around anymore, and doesn't even sleep in a bed, because of his bad back. he hasn't been able to travel for years. it's been so bad, that when his son lay dying of cancer, he couldn't come and see him, let alone attend his funeral.

i knew he would come, if he could.

now, here he was talking about making a 24 hr. drive to come see all of us.

woah~ i thought.

out of all the grandchildren, my husband and i are one of the few that have made about 10 or more trips to see them in the sixteen years that they have lived there. i made two trips in two months when i found out she was having surgery for colon cancer. i made two trips in two months, when i found out she was dying and to attend her funeral. my husband and i have always made an effort to spend almost any vacation that involved flying, to see them.

well, honestly, to see her.

and she's gone. her presence surrounds the house, but she's no longer there.

but he wants to see us, i thought.

he's almost asking to see us....

i began to think that maybe i should go. my husband is going to pheonix with a friend in november for a golfing trip. i had wanted to do something special with the kids. we have never flown, that many of us.

but he was asking....

i began to think that perhaps i should make plans to do it.

this evening my mom said she had some news.

i said, are you pregnant? immaculate conception? mom's almost 60!!

no, she said your grandfather is in bakersfield, california.

i said, what?!

she said they left this morning and they made it all the way to bakersfield. they hope to make vancouver, washington (they, meaning my mom's brother and wife who have moved into care for him) to spend the night at my cousin's house.

i couldn't believe he did it! incredulous!

why didn't he fly? i asked...i mean, it would make more sense to fly, than such a greuling drive.

she told me that he was afraid of how long he might have to wait and how much pain and discomfort he would have doing that. the car they were driving reclined, and they thought it would be more comfortable for him.

amazing~ bakersfield. not here yet, maybe they'll have to turn around. or take a few days' break, but he's coming.

his granddaughter (my step-cousin) just had her first child. he will get to see her. he will get to see my brother's son who is about to turn 8 mos. old. he will get to see his other granddaughter's two boys. one he saw in october, at one month old. the other he has never seen.

he will see my three kids, that he hasn't seen in about 2 years, and maybe even my cousin from southern oregon with her three kids. and of course there's the cousin in vancouver, who has three kids as well. one he hasn't seen in about seven years.

i'm hoping that after i get back from our camping trip, he'll be here all safe and sound. that we will have maybe four or five days with him before he heads back to arizona.

if he's able to make the drive.

my mom is hoping that for most of his stay, he will stay in a special apartment at a retirement facility. a REALLY NICE retirement facility. she's hoping he'll like it so much that he'll stay. i doubt he will. but he may be so exhausted from the trip that he can't return home. i know his two granddaughters, whose dad died just about a year ago, are secretly hoping that he'll stay.

i am too.

i'd like closure with him. i'd like to know that i could accept him, flaws and all, and learn how to be myself, secure, carefree and ungaurded around him. i would also, if it's possible, to even feel loved. but perhaps, he's in my life, not to love me but BE loved BY me.

hard stuff, and i really don't know that i'm up for the task.

i'll have to fight off the urge to hang my head at first. not even so much as a phone call i have made since leaving him in december after the funeral.

oh, maybe a few cards and a few e-mails with photos attached. but i doubt that's hardly what my grammies was thinking when she ASKED me to stay in touch.

i think what i needed was an invitation.

to know that i was wanted.

saying he was wanting to come is as close as you'll ever get with a man like him.

i'll accept that.

and i'll let you know how our visits go. we'll see if i can be so loving and eloquent in person with a crusty old soul as i am with all the names without faces here in internetland.

you're safe. he's scarry!

now granny's a happy camper

2006-08-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Originally uploaded by Random and Odd.

*thanks to kristine @ www.randomandodd.com for allowing me to blog this photo!

i'm happy to say i'm able to blog a happy granny photo. i recieved a very nice telephone call not more than 10 min. after blogging my latest tale of woe.

i told jacqrojo that God must really finally be listening, and that i should get mad granny on his ass more often!

ha! sacriligous? naw...you just have a dirty mind, and are taking that statement places it shouldn't go........

ok. back to business.

i get the phone call.

i just wanted to let you know, she says (receptionist) that i talked to the doctor and even though we still don't have a date yet, we are definitely going to do it next month.

oh, i said.

this really is a new thing for us, and we have three other ladies that are going to get it. the doctor is going to schedule out an extra half an hour (i'm guessing that he usually doesn't work, 'cause he's booked out like 3 mos. in advance~). but we will definitely be doing it next month, she finishes.

oh, that's really great, i say nicely but not too excitedly.

yes, and i hope that helps you with waiting, and gives you some closure, she states, but more like in a question.

yes it does, i say, knowing that if i don't hear anything in two more weeks i'll be putting the pressure on again.

and besides, i remind myself, i have an appointment with the big man himself on september the 7th. and don't think i won't mention it! i will be expecting a day on the calendar baby! just because i don't work doesn't mean i don't need to plan!

fortunately i don't have any trips to china planned in the month of september, because if you don't think i'd cancel it for the damned botox, you've got a frick'n screw loose!!!!

*cheers!
*applause!

(i can hear your congratulations! ~ oh, you're not jealous i'm getting botox for a ten dollar copay are you?!)

Never Upset Your Grandma or the Cameradawktor

2006-08-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

Never Upset Your Grandma
Originally uploaded by jacqrojo.

don't you just love this photo? my new australian buddie jacqrojo has this in her People are Strange set.

i just love this granny talkin' on her cell phone. to see more of jacqrojo's pics click on the photo or on her name to see her photo stream. if you love tulips you'll be in heaven. it is spring over there and she's gone tulip crazy.

well, i didn't blog this granny photo just because it's funny (which it is) or because it's black and white (which i love) or because some old lady is talking on a cell phone ( which is stinkin' butt hillarious), but because she is hot steamin' mad!

well, it's been about a month since i got my insurance to approve botox as a migraine treatment and my neurologist won't schedule me for the procedure. i've called about three times, and they've called once. their approach has been, when we set up a day, we'll call YOU.

in otherwords, don't bother us. well, that just doesn't cut it for me. it is very hard to wait, let alone when you are not given any reason.

my therapist asked about the botox last week and i said i hadn't had it yet. you'd a thought she'd look like this old granny! she said that was unacceptable to not be given any explanation and for it to take so long. she encouraged me to be the "squeaky wheel that gets greased." ARGHHHH!!!

so yesterday when i saw my primary care doctor, i was hoping that HE would call and put on the pressure. nope! he passed the buck to me. so this morning about nine thirty a.m., my stomache was just churning with the thought of calling them again.

but, i'm worth it, i thought.

you deserve an explanation, i said to myself.

this is your right as a patient, to ask for a little clarification, i reminded myself.

ughhh!

my heart was POUNDING! (i hope i don't get a migraine from this, i thought. Day #2 pain free!!!)

so the little lady, renee, gets on the line and i ask to speak to the doctor. i try to sound as low key and as sickeningly sweet as possible. I DO NOT want to shoot my help in the foot.......

what do you want to talk to him about, she says.

about my botox treaments, i said.

well, he doesn't know when he's going to do it, she said.

yes, but i would like for him to call me, so he can help me understand how long i'm going to wait, so i can be prepared for how long it's going to take.

you've been so patient, she said. i know it's hard waiting and we really appreciate how patient you've been. ( i was hoping that she couldn't see that my face looked like el grandmo's here.)

yes, well i try, i said.

the doctor has three other patients, as well, that are waiting for botox. it's a relatively new treatment for us, so that's why it's taking some time.

(why didn't he explain this sooner when he said i was a good candidate? why didn't he offer me some other kind of drug to try in the meantime? geesh, it's not like my problem is getting any better. i mean, where' s the f'n customer service? oh yeah, it's medicine...there IS NOT F'N CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!)

~good thing she couldn't see me looking and thinking like granny~

this afternoon at lunch we are going to have a little meeting about it. and i will see if i can get him to put a date on the calendar, she said.

(DO YA THINK?!)

i will call you this afternoon or tomorrow, she said.

that would be so nice, i said, i would really appreciate that. (gooshing with sweetness).

*click*

fewf! i actually kept all my latent granny anger under wraps. and, i felt soooo much better that i had been an advocate for myself (which i'm told i desreve) and showed them that i care about the kind of care i recieve. (not that they really noticed that...but i like to kid myself that they do).

so, i spent about another 1/2 hour helping a friend who has chronic pain, and has just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. that made me feel like SUCH A BETTER PERSON because AREN'T I SO WONDERFUL, I HELP OTHERS EVEN WHEN OTHERS DON'T HELP ME!!!!

that really fed my self esteem bucket!

is there a moral to this story? who knows. i do know that it's 3:40 pm and still now call. woops wait.......i ran some errands, let's see if their number is on caller i.d., hold on here.......nope! dang it all, just some wireless caller (granny is that you?!) whose number i don't recognize. no messages either. darn darn double darn!

*p.s. if you love granny as much as i do, click the picture and tell jacqrojo!

Holy Cow!

2006-08-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow!
Originally uploaded by Yogi.

holy cow is right! (to check out more of yogi's photos click the photo or his screename under the photo).

yikesers and holy cow is about all i have to say.

what a week~

had problems with perverts visiting my flickr page. i had a guy favorite a photo of my husband and put it on his flickr page. in his profile he says that he likes to watch men have sex.

great~

i had a guy that said my kids were sweet and looked like his grandbabies. he turned out to be a pervert.

nice~

icing on the cake was when a porno site, with a site feed to flickr tags such as bikini, swimsuit and up skirts, blogged a photo of my precious meyers d, in ....you guessed it, a bikini.

moral of the story?

i am taking off all flickr tags that make references to kids, children, ages, boy, girl, bikini, swimsuit, etc. any tag that a perv can get a sitefeed to and constantly get a stream of photos to do WATEVER HE WANTS TO with them....

change virtually all my photos to friends and family only

change almost all of my contacts to friends and family because so far, they are people i trust.

turn off the ability to blog my photos, except for friends and family. if you want to blog one of my photos, just ask, i will try to make that happen for you if you are unable.

i also have removed my kids' pictures from any of the kid groups on flickr. so many perverts have joined these to get children's photos. you can't just quit a group, you have to go to the group and delete any and all of the photos you don't want there, then quit the group if that's what you want to do.

keep in mind, i check out EVERY and i mean EVERY person that faves, comments, and or adds me as a contact. things can just slip through the cracks. so if this is a concern to you, just put your flickr settings on the most private settings you can.

the rest of the week included having migraines on tues, wed,thrs, fri, sat and sunday. yup, real fun stuff. went to the doctor on sat. and sun. and got some pretty powerful stuff. in the past, when i've had a back to back spur, i would get mad when i had exhausted all of my medicine choices and just take whatever, whenever, however i wanted.

good for my body?

no

good for my health?

no

so this time when i got to that point, i went in. saturday i got a shot of toradol (sp?) and the headache was gone until bedtime. not to bad, because it was a hell of a wanger.

sunday i got an iv drip of saline, bendaryl 50mgs. in the i.v. (that my friends could be sold on the black market, it makes you stinkin' STONED), some anti nausea medicine and DHE in the i.v. by the time i left it was completely gone. started to come back this a.m. but i am ok now.

why am i writing about this? because, like i said, in the past i would do unhealthy things to myself out of desperation/frustration/pain.

not this time! because it was urgent care my hubby and kids had to spend hours with me there, but it was the right thing i do, to ask for help when i needed it.

there's other things i could say about this whole thing, but i'll save it. basically my hormones are whacked and until they get leveled out, i could be in this stinkin' bad stretch for a while. not good, because i have a camping/backpacking trip planned for this weekend that i am hell bent not to miss!

we are going to a place called rialto beach up by forks, washington on the northern washington coast. it's a four hour trip and we have to hike a mile in to get to our campsite. no water/electricity. but you camp right on the beach.

our friends have been telling us about it for over a year, and we have been planning this trip that long. if i have to send the husband and kids alone, i will. but i DEFINITELY don't want to miss out. guess i'll have to make sure the percocet is in plentiful supply! lol!

i hope you find the flickr information helpful, the most enlightening thing to me was the site feeds people could get on flickr tags, so it's important to be careful about those. i had no idea about that....

have a great week!

the tired poultryman and his wife

2006-08-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

the tired poultryman and his wife - in black and white
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

The Tired Poultryman
Original Poem by my Great Uncle Walter, written at age 78

A Poultry Man is just a guy,
who has to stay at home and try,
to get his flock of hens to lay,
and make it pay another day.

He sits upon that same old pine,
a-rubbin' eggs until they shine,
so city folks who pass that way,
will never feel ashamed to pay,
a little bonus on the price,
for eggs that always are so nice,
and fresh as Daisies in the spring,
no better eggs are found "By Jing" and then at last when day is O'er,
and you have done up your last chore,
you try to make it to the house,
where there you meet your loving spouse.

Awaiting in the door for you,
and on the stove a nice hot brew,
an' coffee 'roma in the air,
but you'r too pooped to even care,
you just fall down as if you'r dead,
she has to drag you into bed,
an' tuck you in without you'r meal,
because she knows just how you feel.

The last you see is eggs galore! a-tumbling down upon the floor,
and hens a-cacklin' with delight,
they know just how you'll spend the night!

Now city folks they ain't that way,
they have both time for work and play,
an' take their gal out 'neath the trees,
and learn her 'bout the Birds and Bees,
and watch the golden arise,
an' count the stars up in the skies,
an' watch the wise old Owl flit by,
or hear the cunning Wild Cat cry.

While in his bed the Poultry Man,
is dreaming up a master plan,
of Super hens with Atomic eggs,
an' drumsticks large as horse's legs,
while thru the skies he tries again,
to capture one more straying hen.

But then "Alas!" the rooser cries,
you wipe the sweat off 'round your eyes,
an' rise to greet the morning sun,
another day has just begun,
and you are glad you made it thru,
so you can try it all anew!

*a younger, creative musician

*my grandmother, great uncle walter, their parents and siblings

*about 20 years ago, uncle walter, grandma and their brother

SPF: movie title

2006-08-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

howlin' at the moon
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

kristine @ www.randomandodd.com has titles as the theme this week for spf. did you play? even if you didn't, go over to her website and see who played, go check out all the great pics.

movie title: "Face of the Screaming Werewolf" a 1960 movie by Lon Chaney

did you play?

*btw: this is my husband!

SPF: 8-11-06 part 2

2006-08-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

Originally uploaded by ONE/MILLION.

song title: "Big 'ol Butt" by LL Cool J.

**this is not my photo. to see more of one/million's fabulous photos click his name under the picture. please do, he's a good guy.

SPF: 8-11-06

2006-08-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

Have U Seen Me?
Originally uploaded by CSatterfield.

book title: "One flew over the cuckoo's nest" by Ken Kesey.

*i did not take this photo. to see more photos by csatterfield, click the link under the picture.

did you play?

Justin's 4th Emergency Brain Surgery

2006-08-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

Justin's 4th Emergency Brain Surgery
Originally uploaded by Mrs Smarty Pants.

Back in June i blogged a flickr photo of an amazing little boy who went through his 3rd emergency brain surgery.

unfortunately, as this title suggests, justin had to be rushed into the hospital again for yet his fourth surgery. Read about it here: http://rsmartypants.diaryland.com/4th.html

and to see more photos of this strong young man, click on the photo which will take you to his mommy's flickr site.

please leave her a comment and let her know you care, and that you will be praying for this amazing little boy....

Windy Ridge @ the Mt. St. Helen's Volcanic Monument

2006-08-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

this is really living
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

I sure hope you will take the time to view this picture in it's largest size over on my flickr site. Just click the picture, choose all sizes, and you will be there.

Windy Ridge is 53 miles out of Cougar, Washington on Forest Road 90. You take a left @ the sign for Windy Ridge (can't remember what forest road that is) and it is about 14 miles. You enter the blast zone that was affected when the north face of Mt. St. Helen's was blasted off in the May 18, 1980 eruption. The forest roads are well paved, but very twisty and turny. My excitement built as we neared the turn off to Windy Ridge and you could start seeing the volcano in the distance, and even Mt. Rainier.

It was a clear, beautiful sunny day with incredible bright blue skies, dotted with clouds. First we stopped @ a viewpoint overlooking Meta Lake and the beginning of the blast zone. We could see a small steam and ash emission rising out of the crater of the volcano. This is not a surprise, as the volcano started to have regular, active steam and ash emissions in October 2004 that were so spectacular, they didn't even compare to this measley little steaming!

When we were about 7 miles away from our destination, and well within the blastzone, we came upon this visitor's center, restaraunt and gift shop. Here we ate cheeseburgers and fries, while watching the volcano send it's mini plume into the sky. It was such an amazing moment. I mean, whenever you go to the mountains, whether it's st. helen's, rainier or mt. adams, you never know if you will see the peaks because there is such frequent cloud cover over them, even if the rest of the sky is comletely clear. It's just a crap shoot. We got there just in the nick of time. It was so wonderful and everyone that was there was quite thrilled to watch the "activity" as we call it, as well.
.
As we approached Windy Ridge the crater seemed so close that we could crawl right into it. And, the clouds started covering the opening to the crater, so we were glad that we had enjoyed it while we could. Windy Ridge is soooo windy, it really lives up to it's name. But we enjoyed looking @ Spirit Lake (where i had fished and camped as a child) and listened to a fabulous talk on "Extreme Geology" by a young U.S. Forest Service employee.

I had heard all the details many times before, but never tire of reliving this thrilling, exciting and scarry time of my life. Also, some of the details were really put into perspective by sitting right there. Where we were at, people had 35 seconds to live after the eruption started @ 8:32 a.m. Basically, they didn't live until 8:33.

She said that the force of the blast was equivalent to 500+ atomic bombs, and that the largest recorded landslide in human history was 130 miles an hour, while the pyroclastic flows that reached toward Spirit Lake were still 600 degrees 2 weeks after the eruption.

I also noticed how the forest was renewing itself, and looked so different than when I was last in the blast zone (the standing dead forest) 16 years ago. She explained that when the Roosevelt Elk herds returned, their dung piles could germinate 11 different species of plants from one pile. They really helped the forest regenerate itself.

As we drove back out of the blast zone, it was over 8 miles to get to Bear Meadow. This was where a gentleman snapped 4 pictures the morning of the eruption and quickly sped away over 22 miles to the town of Randle, Washington. Barely escpaing with his life. We thought about that as we drove back towards Randle on Forest Road 25. At approx. 35-40 miles an hour it took us at least an hour to reach the tiny hamlet of Randle. We imagined how fast he drove, how dangerous that was on the windy road, and how he must have feared for his life.

As we came home down I-5 and neared the town of Castle Rock, Wa., we traveled over a bridge that crossed the Toutle River. I remember that bridge being wiped out by the mudflow that traveled through there on the way to the Cowlitz and eventually, the Columbia River. She was able to look and see how high the water and debris had gotten as we passed over this part of the freeway, even though she had crossed it dozens and dozens of times.

We left Cougar on our trek shortly after 11 a.m., and finally reached home around 6 p.m. It was quite a bit of driving, but such an amazing experience. We came full circle after leaving our home days before. Our trip literally circled comletely around Mt. St. Helen's.

I hope she will remember that part of our campout, especially, for years to come. I hope that it's times like these, that will overshadow the much too numerous times where I am so less-than-functional with my health problems. I hope she will be resiliant, and not bitter with life and with me due to the many things she is robbed of, but will instead marvel at all the times that are special that we are able to have. I pray that she won't hold against me the depression that I deal with even on non-pain days due to my struggle with hopelessness and anger/grief/sadness over my circumstances. This is one of the main reasons I was not going to let anything or anyone stop our special time together. She has commented about it so many times, not so much to me, but at school to her teacher, and in her writings, how these campouts are the highlight of her summer.

I know they are surely one of the highlights of mine. I don't know what we will decide to do next year, and if we will decide to include any other mother/daughter combos to our little fun. Part of us would like to do that, to share this specialness with another mother/daughter/s combo, while part of us desires to just savor the specialness of the two of us. I am really trying to let her determine the course it, as it is such a meaningful experience in her life.

In fact, both of my parents wanted to come along this year, and Meyers D was willing to have my Dad come along. But I explained to her that now that he is retired, my parents can go camping with us anytime, and they don't. This is our only time for girl time, so I said what would you think if just Grammy came. And she agreed that it would be a good idea to keep it just womenfolk. So we invited my Mom, but I think she already had her heart set on camping with my Father. Maybe there were other reasons for her not coming, I don't know. I think it's too bad, she really missed out. But at the same time I am sooooo glad it was just her and I this summer, as my ability to take the kids and do things without the assistance (drug free driving skills) of my husband has been limited much more than previous summers.

For more pics go to www.flickr.com/photos/cameradawktor

Dawktor Girls Campout 2006

2006-08-06T23:52:00.000-07:00

this much excitement over a foil dinner
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Meyers D and I had such a fabulous time on our campout July 31-Aug. 2, 2006. We stayed @ the Cougar RV Park in Cougar, Washington. This is the same place I took the children in June, and Meyers D and I stayed in the cabin again. For information and pictures of our campground, click the following pictures and view the set.

The first year we went, 2004, we stayed @ Ohanapacosh in Mt. Rainier National Park. We tent camped and I used a propane cookstove for the first time. We hiked in a 200+ old growth forest and up in the alpine wildflower meadows near Paradise Lodge.

Last year we went to Dash Point State Park in Federal Way, Washington. That turned out to be the scarriest time of my life, but I'll leave that for another post. We had a great time on the Puget Sound beach though, where we saw thousands of sand dollars and enjoyed doing our crafts. I also found a new appreciation for my "gaurd dog" and "all around good camping dog" Zoe the Boxer.

The first day we arrived we just relaxed after getting settled and eating our giant dinner of crab stuffed chicken. I did some knitting and started a book by Maya Angelou that my friend stephjaychrisben (http://flickr.com/photos/51753925@N00/ ) had sent me.

The next morning I woke up to terrible cramps and a backache (kidney stones moving?). So once the percocets were downed half the day was spent recovering from feeling stoned. Fortunately our cabin had an outdoor electrical outlet and I anticipated problems, so I relaxed by the fire with my trusty heating pad. As much as I wanted to do some exploring by Windy Ridge in the mt. st. helen's volcanic monument or trying to find Indian Heaven in the Mt. Adam's wilderness (loads of wild blueberries) we just decided to relax. Meyers D did some painting, made a fabric painted shirt and a fabric painted tote for some friends, as well as some latch hooking and reading. We also played a few games of cards.

I started a needlepoint project I'd like to give my Mother. This is the first time I've done anything like that and I'm really enjoying it. Meyers got a little bored in between her projects and did some self-portrait experiments with the digital camera and took a quite unflattering picture of me, lol!

We also picked some huckleberries and had huckleberry pancakes.

When we packed up to go on Wednesday, we sure wished we had another night. It is just so relaxing and peaceful being out in nature, sitting by the fire and relaxing. But we decided to go on a road trip. That will be detailed in the next post.

The recipe for the foil dinner Meyers D is holding in this photo was from a previous blog or flickr post in June. click the picture and find the link in the description of the picture if you would like this recipe. It turned out so wonderful, the best we've ever done, as you can tell by the excitement on Meyer D's face!

crab stuffed chicken

2006-08-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

crab stuffed chicken
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Meyers D and I had such a tastey dinner the first day of our campout. We started our campfire and let it reduce to coals as soon as we arrived and unloaded our gear. We had an early dinner, which was such a good plan. One chicken breast for each of us was so incredibly filling, of course neither one of us could finish, but it was soooo delicious we just ate and ate.

When I purchased my Lewis and Clark commemorative cast iron dutch oven a few years ago at a local outdoor supply store, i also picked up a cookbook called Log Cabin Campfire Cookin' copywright 1998 by Log Cabin Grub Cookbooks. It has many wonderful recipes and this is the third one we have tried. Last year I didn't even use it, and it was Meyer D's suggestion that we clean up the dutch oven and use a new recipe.

This turned out so fabulous, and so delicious that I would thuroughly enjoy making it, even indoors on the stove, for guests. I just don't feel comfortable bloggin the recipe, but the ISBN # is 0-9630279-7-2 if you wish to order it and the phone # to the company is (801) 571-0789.

Mother Daughter Camping Trip

2006-07-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

i think she's growing up.......
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

For the last 5 years my hubs has went with his brothers, brother-in-laws, nephews and his sons to a Dawktor boys' camping trip. The first two years TSE was too little to go, so i stayed home with Meyers D and him.

Two years ago, he was old enough to start going as well, and Meyers D and i decided to go on our own camping trip. We went to Ohanapacosh @ Mt. Rainier. It's a lovely place and we went on some hikes to an old growth forest and an alpine meadow to see alpine wildflowers.

Last year we went to Dash Point State Park. I will never go back there by myself, as about 2 a.m. a man started attacking another man and i have never feared for my life as much as i did that night! I almost began to think that i would never take the children camping by myself again.

However, we found this fabulous place in Cougar, Washington that has cabins. It is a small park, with a woodsy feel and i felt very safe there taking the children there in June. So that's where Meyers D and i are going tomorrow for two nights.

She really enjoys this special time just the two of us, and wrote about it numerous times in school last year. Even though she hasn't come out and said it, i think it is one of her favorite things that we do all year.

We are taking some crafts, she is taking something to paint, a denim bag to decorate for a friend's birthday, and a shirt to decorate for her friend's sister. We are also taking some stuff to make decorative candles. We got this kit a few years ago to make for her Grammy, but we never got around to doing it. So we will attempt that as well. I am taking my knitting that i am practicing with and a cross-stitch that I want to make for my mother.

I haven't done cross stich since i was Meyer D's age, so not sure that it will turn out very good. But i want to give it to my mom as a Christmas or Birthday present. It is of some pansies, and pansies are her favorite.

We are both taking a book to read, my friend Steph who just started her own flickr page gave me a Maya Angelou book: I know why the caged bird sings.

It seems like everyone i know has read it and i never have. So i'm planning on getting started with that. I don't think a Mon.-Wed. trip will be enough time for all the things we want to do. Especially if we decide to go up to Windy Ridge, the farthest vantage point on Mt. St. Helen's from Cougar. It has been probably 15+ years since I've gone to Windy Ridge and it is at least 45 min. from Cougar.

Today has been a pretty icky day healthwise for me, but i'm bound and determined to not let anything stop us from going. Miserable or not, (I'm sure i will be fine) I AM GOING!

I mean, what's the difference if i am on drugs there or at home!

I woke up with a migraine, but my reversal med kicked in about an hour after i took it. My back decided to be crampy and now it feels like i might have some kidney stone action going on. So i've taken a few percocet today. Good old Percy...what would i do without that?!

My birth control pills to help the menstrual migraines has been working pretty good. But you can get a breakthrough cycle every now and again and that's what decided to show up today. I am sure that's why i woke up with a migraine today. Usually during this cycle i get 4-7 days of pain, so i guess that's my hesitancy and unsuredness about the next couple of days. But like I said, I AM GOING!!!

Poor me, last year the twelve days leading up to our camping trip i had a really bad stretch of headaches. I had to go in the morning of our trip and get an Imitrex shot. I had never had one before and it worked really good. So the doctor started allowing me to give myself Imitrex injections at home. So some good came out of that 12 day stretch.

I just thought it was interesting this morning when here it is one year later, the exact time as last year, and something threatens to throw me off. I WILL NOT BE STOPPED, lol!!

Well, we are finishing up our packing tonight and the excitement's building. We are going to try out a new recipe using my cast iron dutch oven. It is chicken breasts stuffed with crab w/ a white sauce. Of course, we'll take photos of that and post the recipe if it turns out very good!

Hopefully some huckleberries will be ripe and we'll throw them in our pancake batter.

Papa D will be taking the 35mm Nikon, so i'm hoping to be able to see their fun.

Here's the link to the place we're going and some old photos of past dawktor boys campouts. http://flickr.com/photos/cameradawktor/sets/72157594163873584/

i'll be back wednesday, so hope you have a great week and i hope to get some photo memories of Meyers D and i's special time together!

Zombie Boy

2006-07-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

Zombie Boy
Originally uploaded by ajrpix.

Do ya ever feel like this?

* you know this ain't my picture, but when i saw this i favorited it, because i just feel like this kid sometimes.* please click the link and check this dude's other photos out.**

Do ya ever feel like just when you get your head above water, something tries to suck ya back down to the bottom of the ocean?

I AM SO FLIPPING FRUSTRATED!!!

I have this neurologist that i saw for the migraines, and he wanted to see me in two months. that should be NEXT WEEK. but no, they couldn't get me an appointment until SEPT. 7th.

UGH!

the meds he gave me (lamictal) has helped my mood (which is a good thing since the birth control pills were making me go INSANE!) but has not helped the headaches.

so the nice guy that he is, he says i'm a candidate for BOTOX. the insurance company approved it over almost two weeks ago. that is a MAJOR EVENT!

here's my problem. i said, "so when can i come in for you to do it?"

"OH, well the procedure shouldn't take very long so maybe we can squeeze you in somewhere."

that was 9 days ago. 7 days ago i called back and said, "did you find out when you can get me in?"

"i'll talk to the dr. and see when he wants you to come and I WILL CALL YOU BACK. you will hear from me so just wait until i call."

THAT WAS A FUCKING WEEK AGO.

so today i am very nice. "Hello," i say trying to sound sweet.

"oh, you are calling about the botox?" she said.

"yes, i was just wondering if there's a time that I can come in."

"well, i haven't heard from the dr. yet...."

"so you just want me to wait until my appointment on sept. 7th?

"well the plan was that i will call you when i know and i don't know yet, so i will call you when i know."

"well, was he on vacation or something?"

"he was in......yesterday,....but he was very busy, so when he sends me a message I will call you."

"allright, fine." click.

so i sit here on the computer checking my flickr site, seeing how my pics are doing. the longer i sit the more anxious i feel myself stirring inside.

i am trying, TRYING to tell my dr.'s that i need help, and trust that they WANT to help me.

this neurologist is very nice. he was more than nice, he was kind.

but this feels like torture to me.

doesn't it sound a little like dangling the fricking carrot in front of the starving horses mouth?

ARGH.

I just want to pretend i don't feel this way. distract myself with some mindless activity and pretend that I don't want to cry.

but that's bullshit.

and bullshit is just one thing that i am way too freaking tired of.

SPF 7-28-06

2006-07-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

mean looking
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Here's my lineup for SPF @ www.randomandodd.com over @ Kristine's website.

Mean Looking: my doggie looks weally weally mean in this photo. actually, we think she got stung by a bee....she like to eat them, yikes!

My weapon: I have two weapons, courage and bravery. my grandfather was a hard man to deal with. i loved him and he loved me, but he alienated a LOT of people in his life. very few of his grandkids came around to see him. we had a specialness to our relationship and i was one of the few who stuck around. don't get me wrong, he wasn't all bad......

he would say off the wall bizarre things about people. mean things, that weren't true. it was scarey to call him on it because he had the habit of telling people to get out of his house and not speaking to them for a year or more. he did it when my dad turned 18, and then he did it again to my dad when i was 5. there were times though, when i'd get a lot of courage, be really brave, and tell him what he said was not true.

this took guts, because i loved my grandpa and i didn't want him to tell me off, to tell me to get out of his house, and there was always the fear that he would. so it wasn't taken lightly to correct him. in fact, i don't think i ever saw anyone do it, i could have been one of the very few.

so those are my weapons, the weapons that help me survive in life's battles, and God only knows i've had a few. it doesn't mean i'm weak, its just that we all have to call upon courage and bravery sometimes, and with my grandfather is one of the places i learned it.

my hiding place: well, i've never been much of a hider, it's not my in my nature to hide, but i've sure done a lot of it in the last year. hiding isn't a good way to make friends, it's not a good way to keep friends either.

and, maybe i wouldn't call it hiding...perhaps its surviving. i don't know, all i know is that i spend way too much time here. it's much safer to not plan anything, have anybody over, schedule things to take the kids to....than to do all these things and then have to cancel because i am not feeling good.

i need to stop hiding, stop sitting around because i am afraid of disappointing others, but mostly MYSELF!!

so here's where i hide:

DID YOU PLAY?????

grandma mary by TSE

2006-07-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

grandma mary by TSE
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

My son TSE took this photo of Grandma Mary. She's not actually my Grandma, but she knew my mom before she was born, and was friends with my grandma since the 5th grade, so she's pretty much my "adopted" grandma.

i haven't been to visit with her since before Christmas, after i got back from my grandma's funeral. excuses, excuses, but i just haven't gotten over there.

grandma mary is diabetic and can't drive anymore. she gets dialysis 3 x a week. so its not like you can go expecting her to come visit YOU!

a couple of weeks ago, not prompted by anything that was said or was happening, TSE said that we should go visit grandma mary. at first i thought my mom had subtly exercised her influence and "hinted" to TSE that he should tell me that we should go over for a visit. so i asked him, "what gave you that idea?" he said, "just my own mind."

so last thursday evening i was feeling pretty good. papa d wanted to go to an outdoor concert which is very near her house. so i had him drop max-ay and i off @ grandma mary's while he took the other two to the concert.

we had a great visit. she told me the story again of how she met my grandma, and how my grandpa (that i never met) hated rhubarb pie, but once, in the dark, while camping, he ate it and loved it, thinking it was apple. these are great stories, she's told me them many times. yet i never get tired of hearing her tell them.

thanks to TSE we made grandma mary's evening. next time, we won't wait 6+mos. to get over there for a visit!

this is what a man looks like after eating too many coumpas on his sixty-first birthday

2006-07-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

this is what a man looks like after eating too many coumpas on his sixty-first birthday
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

we had a great time the other night celebrating all of the july birthdays and the anniversary in my family. everyone loved the coumpa and my biggest joy is to hear my grandma grace brag how my coumpas are better than my uncle's! haha!!!!!!! i'm evil but that's my favorite part.

of course eating them is pretty fabulous too. but they don't keep long, so my daughter and i had leftovers yesterday for breakfast AND lunch, so i don't think i'll be needing to make coumpa again until christmas eve!!

today and tomorrow are supposed to be hot hot hot here. like over a hundred degrees. we are just not used to that in the Pacific Northwest! yesterday our neighbors invited us over to go swimming in their pool, which was lovely. i think i may take the children to my brother-in-law's to swim and eat lunch over there. the problem is the pool is a little too deep for them, so we'll have to dig out some life jackets. @ least they will have a way to cool off and they can play on the trampoline if they don't want to stay in the pool.

after looking @ some of the photos i've uploaded recently to flickr, i need to work on my tan!!

here's a slideshow of the birthday dinner:

Coumpa Recipe - Norwegian Potato Dumplings

2006-07-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

coumpa ~~ ready to eat
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Tomorrow is my Daddy's 61st Birthday. It is a family tradition on his side of the family to eat potato dumplings called coumpa (Koom-pa) or klub (cloob). My Grandmother used to make it a few times a year and all of my cousins, aunts, uncles and parents gathered around their table (now my dining room table) to eat a Scandinavian boiled potato feast.

I have posted my father's aunt's recipe before: http://troublealwayshasadoor.blogspot.com/2006/02/grace-has-been-graced.html

But since I was making this dish for my Dad's Birthday, I decided to measure all the ingredients and put the recipe down here for you (and Tee http://spiltmilk.blogspot.com) exactly the way my Grandmother taught me. She no longer is able to cook so I am glad I took the time to learn and therefore carry on the tradition for my children and future grandchildren.

Coumpa or Klub (Norwegian Potato Dumplings)
as taught to me by my Grandmother who married my Swedish/Norwegian Grandfather

10 lbs. white baker potatoes, peeled sliced into large wedges and food processed until they are in tiny flakes. Can also use an old fashioned hand-crank meat grinder.
7-9 c. white flour (I used 8)
3-4Tbsp. white kosher salt (I used 3 1/2)
1 8in. lightweight pie tin with holes pricked in bottom (this is to place in the stockpot before adding coumpa balls, to help them not stick to the bottom of the pan)

Before you start grinding potatoes, place a large 10-12 qt. stockpot 3/4 full of water on the stove to begin heating to the boiling point. Grind raw potatoes and put in large mixing bowl that will hold approximately 16 cups or more.
While working on grinding potatoes, keep peeled potatoes waiting to be ground in a sinkful of cold water, this helps them to not brown as much.

Before adding flour to ground potatoes drain off as much excess liquid from the ground potatoes as you can. Next add 5c. flour and 3Tbsp. salt. Using clean hands, mix well. Add remaining flour one cupfull at a time until dough becomes very sticky and is able to hold the shape of a ball, should be approx. 8 c., give or take. Taste to see if it needs more salt. Do not add more than 1 Tbsp. more.

By now water should be boiling in the kettle, place the tin on the water and with hands that have been rinsed in cold water, scoop about an apple sized amount (1 cup) of coumpa dough out of the bowl and place a few pieces of salt pork inside.
Loosely shape into a ball and carefully drop into boiling water, aiming for the middle of the tin to secure it on the bottom of the pan. After making 2-3 coumpa balls, rinse hands in cold water. This makes it easier to shape them and have them slip off your hands easily. Continue making coumpa balls and placing them in the boiling water, making sure to alternate where you are dropping them as to cover the pot evenly. When last ball is made, place lid on stockpot at an angle leaving an air hole for steam to escape. If there is too much water in the pot, remove some as this boils over easily. If there is not enough water, add a little more hot water and don't start timing the cooking process until the water returns to a boil. Once water reaches a boil, cook coumpa at least one hour. Remove one at the end of one hour, cut in half to check done-ness and boil 15-20 min. more if needed. Serve warm with margarine or butter. Our family enjoys them most cooled, then fried golden brown in butter. Makes approx. 2 dozen large balls, they are very filling so plan on 2 coumpa as an adult sized serving.

Determination

2006-07-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

Determination
Originally uploaded by DaveSinclair.

one of my new flickr contacts, Dave Sinclair, took this photo in Cambodia. i suggested this title for him, and he must have liked it. i needed to see this pic today. it was inspiring to me.

i mean, just look @ the determination of this child. i think it is a most incredible photo!

woke up today with a headache. i've had worse, but there's times when i have many in a row (this week 5 in 6 days) and that makes it tricky for me to know what to take and when. i could be in this "cycle" because of the pain meds i was taking for the kidney stones causing a rebound headache effect. that makes it more tricky for me knowing what to take because i don't want to exascerbate the problem any more than it is~~

i made the coump for tonight's family dinner yesterday, just in case this sort of thing happened. so there isn't anything I HAVE to do today, so i am able to keep a good attitude, even if i have to miss out on the fun tonight. but i've been trying to figure out what i should do for this headache.

and i see this photo and it reminds me to just keep pressing on, keep moving forward.......be determined to have hope.

so i called my neurologist and yippee.........Botox has been approved from my insurance company. just waiting on a date for when the procedure will be, i'm sure they will get me in as soon as they can.

determination to keep a good attitude has been working so far for me today. my little fishing line of hope with botox as the bait.........one more reel into the pain problem to see if the stinky migraine fish will take the bait!

if not, then i look @ this picture again and keep rowing through the muddy waters.

yesterday was papa d's official bday, so we went out to pizza and to see the new pirates movie. TSE and Meyers D did ok but Max-Ay got quite scared. i was really looking forward to seeing the movie, but i finally had to go outside with him in the middle of it, i could tell it was really troubling him. after about 1/2 hr - 45 min. Meyers came out and said it would probably be a good time to go in and watch the end.

so we did. i definitely did not like this one even 1/2 as much as the first. it was so dark, not much great dialogue, everything taking place in the dark. depressing....... the children even said on the way home, all three of them, that they thought it had too much violence.

that's the kind of thing a mommy wants to hear her kids say. they are good @ determining what's good and not good for them to watch. i love that about them.......another reason why it was so important of me to let max-ay leave the theatre, to show him i believed in his judgement of what is/isn't appropriate for him.

they're good kids.

DETERMINATION. Good word for the day. Hope you liked the pic and please click the link and check out Dave's other pics of Cambodia.

39 fabulous years for a fabulous guy!

2006-07-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

some people see things a little differently
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

happy birthday to my loverboy!

view an extremely old slideshow of old scanned photos of my hunka-munka when he was a little tyke. please comment and let me know if you enjoyed the show!

when i finish uploading the beach pictures from this past weekend (i must clean house now.......) i will have a link to that slideshow as well!

it feels good to be back! i miss you all!

i'm back baby!

2006-07-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

the next kid rock....elvis style
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

as i'm ending my third day without passing stones it looks like i'm either getting another nice vacation or a temporary reprieve. anyway, i'm back from my "i need to get ahold of my mind before i lose it" temporary blog break! yippee!

i purposely titled my blog "Trouble Always Has a Door" because 1) i like that song by Bo Bice and 2) there's always a light, or a way out of every tunnel no matter how dark it is.

the problem is, that remembering this is easier said than done. all of us have felt like problems were crushing us and that is hard to endure. i am certainly no different than any of you. and i guess sometimes i get gol darn frickin' angry when i feel like that.

there's a new country western song that my hubby says is my song. it goes "life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride......." yup, i think that's my song! i'm far from finding that door out of trouble, but having a break was a good time to do some thinking and some talking with doctor's to keep encouraging them to get their asses in gear!

still waiting to get approved by the insurance for Botox, so please pray for me that it will come through quickly. i'm ready to try something new to address my pain issue.

well, does anyone like this photo? the hillarious, always goofy Max-Ay had to pose with his ice cream cone microphone outside this pizzaria in Seaside, Oregon last night to try to outdo Elvis. Then he asked me if i'd blog the pic! lol!

tomorrow is Papa D's 39th birthday, and since yesterday was looking to be my 2nd day without kidney stone pain, he told me what he wanted to do for his birthday. i told him that as long as he was driving, i could go anywhere on drugs! lol! fortunately, didn't have to do that!

so here's what he wanted to do: drop in on his co-worker who took her horses camping in Nehalem, Oregon to let the kids have a ride, then go a few minutes north back 101 near Manzanita, Oregon to the best surfing beach in the Pacific Northwest. it's a short hike, maybe a mile from the highway through a pristine coastal forest to a spectacular beach for playing in a stream, surfing, making sand castles, doing the whole beach/picnicking thing. the scenery is spectacular.

on the way home, driving through Seaside, Oregon (a popular tourist/teeny-bopper party place) we stopped @ an ice cream shop for Papa D's favorite birthday treat. it was a great day to end the evening. this was my first outing in about a week and it was great to get some sun, take some pictures and just LIVE!!!

i'll be uploading some more pics of our day and a link to a slideshow of all the pictures of it, but i am still in the process of editing the 150 good pics i ended up with! obviously i won't have that many when i'm done, i already deleted 49! haha!

tomorrow, if i'm able, my plan is to clean house which has been sorely neglected because of all the couch potato sitting/movie watching/stone passing. and make the family favorite scandinavian dish called coumpa, as my dad's bday it thursday and we will be celebrating with my side of the family wednesday night for that. i can't wait to hear my grandma say what a good job i did, and that i make it better than my uncle! lol! i made sure grandma taught me how to make it and that i got proficient before she stopped making it. smart girl i am. i wasn't going to live the rest of my life without coumpa. besides, as american's most of us have very few family traditions that come from the "old country" and this is the ONLY one i have from either side of my family, so i wanted to make sure i carried it on!

just wanted to say i'm back, that i've missed everyone and i hope you all haven't forgotten about me!!!!!

my little piggies

2006-07-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

my little piggies
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Photo for SPF @ http://www.randomandodd.com Kristine wants us to show her our piggies. It's not Andy Warholish, just Grays Riverish. took this as a random photo while cooling off in the Grays River of SW Washington a few weeks ago. The water looks brown here, but actually it was real clear and you can see to the bottom.

did you play?

btw: for those who care, still passing stones.....let you know when it's all over!!!!!!!