Doctor Visit

For having spent one day every week for 7 years of my childhood in the Doctor's office, going to the Doctor should be no big deal for me. But the funny thing is, the more serious I get about pushing them to do something about my migraines, the more I realize that I have anxiety about going. I have this giant fear, completely irrational, that they will look at me and say, "Ya know, we really don't see that you have a problem here." Or, "Yah, you got a problem but there just isn't anything we can do to help you."

Now, after all the Hope talk yesterday that may come as a surprise that I would think these things. Don't get me wrong, I do have Hope, but it doesn't just plop in my lap. I have to fight for it. Struggle for it. Wrestle w/ negative thoughts like I just described to get it.

The pain started getting uncomfortable about 3 a.m. again. I was imagining the Dr. laughing at me, me blowing up at him and filing a complaint to get him fired.

Then, I was imagining him saying, "I really don't think these are migraines, but I don't know what they are. Go on home, you already took your Imitrex shot, you already took your Butalbital and you already took your Percocet. Nothin' else I can do for you Ma'am. Go on home and wait it out."

I did a very smart thing. I woke Papa D up and told him that I needed a hug. That I was imagining negative stuff that probably won't even happen. He understands that I get that way sometimes, partly because I was offered help a long time ago and it was turned down. Don't get me wrong, that most likely wouldn't change the facts of my condition now, but it may have made a big difference in how I feel about their ability to help me.

Sometimes I feel like they just don't want to try hard enough to figure out what's going on with me.

Sometimes I feel like they really don't have a freakin' clue, so there's no wonder why they are not helping me.

Sometimes, and this one is the biggie really, I feel like they have answers, and have had them all along. Like they are dangling the carrot before the horse and keeping it just far enough away for the horse to keep moving, never letting it take a bite.

With all of that said, I'm going to the Doctor this morning. I've never seen this lady before, but I really don't care. I just need to get rid of this migraine, hopefully get more Percocet (I have the perscription for Kidney Stones, yah, I know, I've got that too!) and if I'm real lucky and the wind's blowin' right, I may even get a referral to a headache clinic. Man, do you think I'm a candidate for that or what?! I had went to see my old Doctor, the Chinese one, about 15 or more times for migraines and he NEVER TOLD ME ONCE THAT OUR INSURANCE COMPANY EVEN HAD A PAIN CLINIC, LET ALONE A HEADACHE ONE. Now that really pisses me off. Especially, because back then, I had some form of headache every single day. I just don't get these people.

I'm nervous, will probably hold Papa D's hand real tight, will get sweaty palms, fast heartbeat and need to wear 3 layers on top because I'll feel cold.

But I am going. When I get doubtful, I'll ask Papa D to tell me the Truth about my situation, which is that I have Hope. He'll drive me there because I've taken too much drugs now and can't get behind the wheel. He'll hold my hand because he is my friend, my bestest and most closest friend in the whole world, and he cares about me. He'll kiss me on the cheek because he knows I need to be encouraged and loved. He'll speak up for me if I whimp out and don't tell the Doctor the whole truth about the situation. And, he'll even speak up and say, "You HAVE to do something for her." I love this man. Can you believe I ever flushed my Ring down the toilet? http://troublealwayshasadoor.blogspot.com/2006/02/ring.html

Anyway, now that I 'm really getting honest you probably won't want to come back. But I don't care. This is my Blog and even if another person never read it I feel better for have stated the Truth as I see it from my short/little viewpoint.

Say prayers for me, wish me luck, send virtual hugs and I will let you know how it went. In Faith I'll just say that this latest "episode" wasn't an accident, I really need to meet this lady Doctor and she'll have one more piece to this crazy puzzle that I need. Amen to that!!