R U happy in life yet?

http://flickr.com/photos/15019649@N00/246230439/



this photo is by my flickr friend and contact jagrump. please click the link to go to this photo or any of her other photos. she is my friend and i couldn't get this pic in any other way. i'm sure she won't mind as i'm giving her credit. although i did find the rock, she just took the picture!

o.k., here's the scoop!
last night while making dinner i get a phone call from dr. no botox (well the nurse anyway) wanting to schedule a botox treatment for next week. immediately i start having symptoms of anxiety and can't think really well. i know, or am fairly certain, that my referral to him got nixed when i asked to see the dr. who specializes specifically in headache & migraine, but i make an appt. anyway to cover my butt.
i mean, i deserve that after being strung along for 3+ mos.
but when i get off the phone, i start stressing because i have no referral, and how could i get one in time? i'm convinced i have to cancel, and this could possibly waste his $250 precious dollars that he's so concerned about. and, she will probably ask why i'm not going to see him anymore, which causes more anxiety because i want to yell all the things i'm mad about, but then don't want to be labeled a looney tune.
so i really get in a funk, bad mood, stressed, worried, anxious. just the yucks.
until i start filling out the incredibly detailed questionaire from dr. swsih&m (get the initials?) i realize that this guy's going to be REAL thurough, something i've been needing and wanting.
gosh wait, can i actually get some hope in someone helping me? alas....
so by the time i go to bed i have calmed down and feel much better.
wake up @ 5 a.m. to go to dr. swsih&m who is 1+ hr. away + morning traffic. but on the way i start feeling anxiety again because should i ask him if he thinks i should get botox? and how will i get a referral in time? and what will i have to tell dr. no botox's nurse about why i don't want to see him anymore?....
i get in the appt. and he starts asking me REALLY SPECIFIC QUESTIONS. i am a little stressed because i want to make sure i'm answering right. because if i don't answer to clearly communicate what's going on, how can he help me? some things are hard to describe and there were so many medications to remember and how i responded to treatment...and what mg's was i taking with each one?
at one point he did not understand what i was trying to say and maybe i was insecure, but i got the impression he thought i was an idiot.
actually, after a while, i realize that he didn't think that i was an idiot. he gave me a few compliments about how i did so i felt reassured. fortunately the hubs went w/ me and spoke up about botox. he said i should DEFINITELY try it and that he personally would request another referral.
so, next thrs @ 1:15 pm i will get shot up w/ pig crap, or whatever they make that stuff out of. anyway, if it works for me, and i continue regular injections, it will be as my cool friend ian suggested, i will be the hottest looking 60 year old grandma (eventually) because i will be wrinkle free.
now that's something to look forward to, is it not?
also, i am still in limbo w/ the two meds i feel are interacting w/ each other, because i don't go back for another month. he will review everything i told him and read thuroughly through my medical chart.
*which by the way, has to be FREAKING HUGE!!!*
and make a definitive diagnosis. from there he will make decisions about how we will proceed.
(so skip over this part if you are a man or are particularly queasy about womanly stuff...)
the sucky part is i will have to bleed everyday for a month until i go back. right now it's pretty bad so i hope it will simmer down. at least i am feeling much better than i was.
in all respects, i should be miserable right now with the nature of my problems, but this past week, i have been breezing through. of course it hasn't been perfect but considering past history, it's been remarkable.
my friend stephjaychrisben asked if all the walking/exercise has been helping. i answered yes, i think it has. virtually 7x week for 5 or so weeks, @ 2 miles a day or more.
man, you should see my calves, they are getting rock hard in such a short time. wahoo! (nice to see results)
my pain clinic meeting went well this afternoon too, so much doesn't apply to me except that i share similar emotions w/ everyone else. but it was mentioned to me that 45 min. away there is an accupuncture place, that when you attend a group session, only costs $20. so it's something i might want to try in a few months, especially if it doesn't seem that the botox has helped.
these things i would never know about if i didn't go to the pain clinic, so it's worth my time. besides, it will reflect in my medical charts that i am trying, that i'm not a hypochondriac or a complete whack job.
*because i am convinced across my files that it says in big yellow letters (because i like yellow)
BEWARE, THIS WOMAN IS A COMPLETE WHACK JOB!
in answer to the question of the title to this post:
today i am very happy. i am encouraged, i dare to trust, i dare to hope and am quite ready to be thankful for such a small favor...to be taken seriously and listened to.

so this post will lack substance

my long lost buddy old pal chuck croll invited me to take this quiz:


Which File Extension are You?


if you decide to take it too, let me know.

long story short, it was a good week, pain was minimal and completely manageable. super great week.

the "female" doctor appointment went well, i'll elaborate more later after my headache clinic appt., and others later this week. hopefully we'll be coming up with a new little plan. the first one helped, but hopefully this one will be better. that's what we're hoping for. forward progress, slow but steady.

last night MadE's mom Amy came over for some major cleaning of the basement. was so nice to have help and now the house doesn't feel so overwhelming. in trade, i am making her four dinners, one for the next four thursday nights. that's her busiest night of the week, and she has went back to school, has 5 kids, 2 are in soccer, has youth group and home groups at her house. busy lady.

so she helped me and now i will help her!

i'm jazzed and hope she wants to come back in a month or two to tackle some of the upstairs. it was great hanging out with her too. she's pretty funny and its nice to have a girlie friend that's close to my own age, haven't had that for awhile.

tonight it's frozen burritos for dinner w/ big daddy p and his little brother coop.

oh, and i have come up with this fundraising idea for our thailand trip coming up in january, i'll let you know all about that soon.

hallelujah!

sometimes you have to push your weight around to get the ball moving...

hallelujah! Dr. J (the PC) just sent me an e-mail and said i could go to portland, or salem, my pick. just call and make the appointment. i was like....what? that was so easy!!

(that "it's OK" mantra i've been repeating to myself for days now was really true!)

*seriously, i was having so much anxiety about this on friday that i did this! positive self-talk...*

anyway, i called salem and evidentally there is no "headache clinic" as such, but a physician's assistant who deals primarly with headache/migraine just like dr. j had said.

guess when i'm going?

september 27th! and i don't have to go to salem, just to tualitain, but i'll have to get up realllllllyyyyy early. hopefully papa d will take the day off work and go with me, and maybe the kids can spend the night somewhere so they can get off to school. i know my parents and friends will help, this is a really big deal.

so wahoo! i am going to the obgyn this week to get her advice on what to do for the menstrual migraines. i'm telling her that i'm not doing anything until i see the PA. they can talk to each other if they want, and i see the new psych on the 28th to talk about the lamictal. hopefully all three of them will talk to each other. we'll see what the PA says about the botox since i still haven't gotten it and still don't even have an appointment.

oh man, i feel like a big weight has lifted off me. even though i always start off hopeful with a new doctor (even though most times it ends up being disappoiting) i think this is a big step. if he can't help me, they are going to have to step it up to another level and send me to the oregon health sciences university or something....aren't i so special?! *i don't wanna be special....

keep fingers crossed for me, prayers up, attitudes positive, etc. i say this to myself as well.

little update

I've been waiting for my secure password to come in the mail from my health insurance company and yesterday it arrived. wahoo!

I e-mailed my pc about the neurologist dillema and asked for him to refer me to the headache clinic 3 hrs. away and in the meantime, while i'm waiting for the appointment, to let me go to a different neurologist to do the botox.

wish me luck!

there is absolutely no reason that he should say no to me. i think he's great, and am sure there won't be a problem.

but....

*(because there's always a but)

but....if he says no, well then i'll see if that quick care dr. is taking new patients and see her. if i can't i'll ask her who to see and see that person.

thanks for your support everyone!

yesterday i had a pretty bad headache all day. i took some meds for it and it just wasn't doing much for me. but i started applying some of the things i've been learning in the pain clinic. it seemed like i was "managing" myself all day, but it kept the pain to a tolerable level, and when it got bad, and i implimented something i learned, it simmered down for a while.

these tools didn't fix me, but they sure helped me cope. i have a feeling i might have ended up in quick care again if i hadn't tried some of these things.

i used ice for 10-15 min. at a time, waited an hour, then reapplied.

i used tiger balm, like stinking all day, and am sure smelt quite like a tiger by the evening.

i used guided imagery about 5x for 20 min. sessions each. this helped a lot and i think was the biggest help to me of the day.

i started my day off with fresh air and walk even though i was hurting.

i tried deep breathing about as many times as i could remember to do it.

the worst thing for me was going to pick up tse from school and running two errands. i knew i shouldn't do it, but did it anyway. i had been able to keep the pain down, but by the last stop, it really started to skyrocket and was much harder to manage after that.

guess i shouldn't let any reason be an excuse to overdo it on days like that. it's just that, sometimes, maybe it's pride, but you want to be like those people who just push through things and get things done. but it sure wasn't smart for me yesterday, and none of the reasons were good enough to do what it ended up doing to me.

lessons learned~

o.k., so i haven't posted in a while...

well, doesn't seem like anyone reads this anymore. maybe 'cause i haven't been good about checking anyone else's blog.

i've just been spending the bulk of my time on photography...surprise anyone?!

so, i haven't posted in a while. want to know why that is?

well, last friday i saw the neurologist. the one i'm waiting on for botox. the one i've waited 3 mos. to see. guess how long he spent talking to me?...

you probably guessed right...less than ten minutes. i was so shocked when he got up and shook my hand that i let him just walk right out of the room.

of course i told him my concerns with my medication, but he gave me absolutely no suggestions, not even the "go talk to dr. so and so about it" line. highly disappointing. do you think i walked out of there with a botox appointment? well, of course not!

then that day i had quite a bad headache, took quite a few meds to get it under control. soccer jamboree was saturday and that was a crazy day, but i felt so good that that evening we went to leroy and jenny's farm in grays river, took max-ay and tse's friends big daddy p and cooper, had an ABSOLUTE blast.

but, sunday a.m. woke up with a KILLER migraine and i mean killer. maybe it was 'cause i o.d.'ed on chocolate. shoot, i know better than that. soooo stupid! anyway, it picked up speed and the pain was absolutely out of control within a few hours. when my kids are walking around upstairs and i'm in the basement (we have a big house, 2800 sq. ft) and i am writhing in agony from the noise, then wishing i was dead...well, that's just a sign that i'm pretty bad off. duh, right?!

so you can bet that @ 10 a.m. when the clinic opened i was there in quick care looking for the i.v. meds again. unfortunately, one i.v. fluid bag and 3 meds later my pain was tolerable, but still there. i had the hubs take me to my parents (now that's a quiet place) had a bite to eat and took a snooze. probably only 45 min. and took a few more meds before my rest. when i woke up i felt perfect. very tired from all the pain and drugs but no headache. wahoo!

while in quick care the attending dr. had treated me a month ago. first thing she asked was "what's going on with the neurologist". i couldn't even talk for a few minutes because i was crying. she suggested i see a neurologist an hour away. i said good idea but i am more than ready to go to the headache clinic that is 3 hrs. away. she said it was MY decision what i wanted to do and that i should tell my primary care dr. what my decision was. but she HIGHLY suggested i see someone different.

oh, and i forgot to tell you that wonderfully polite neurologist actually asked me (because believe it or not i have improved, but with still unacceptable results) if i wanted to POSTPONE the botox. hello? like i haven't already postponed it? is he a freaking idiot? is he just lazy? does he actually not want to do it and just was seeing if we could bag the idea? since when is 2-3 migraines a week acceptable?

so as you can see, i needed some validation. the last thing i wanted to do is change neurologist. he has only seen me twice and tried one med. but....who is going to advocate for me but me?

so these are the things i've been mulling over. i decided that i am going to e-mail my pc about it and am waiting for my password to come in the mail. also, next week i have an obgyn appointment to talk about the medicine that is treating my menstrual migraines, and have found a new psych to talk about if i can increase the mood stabilizer/migraine med. i am doing all of this because the neurologist had absolutely nothing to say about this and i was hoping that he would give some guidance, imput, suggestions about this.

i mean, like i'm supposed to know what to do .... last time i checked i was the patient....

on another note i started a pain clinic. it meets for 8 weeks and i just had my second meeting yesterday. i am going to try to take as much away from it as i can. the one real interesting/helpful thing i have learned so far is this:

chronic pain, especially over a long period of time, sensitizes the nerves to pain. nerves become "hypersensitive" and are less able to block pain messages that go to the brain. this explains why two people with the same problem experience differences in their pain levels. i have had pain problems since childhood, so obviously my pain blocking capabilities and nerves are fried.

the goal in the pain clinic is to explore different methods of helping the body block these pain messages, identify treatments that at least help, and finally devise a pain management plan. since my pc quit filling my percocet perscription (ok, i admit, i did abuse it...you don't want to hear that story), but it helped when everything else failed.

i am hoping that the clinic will help me learn new and better ways of coping because the ones i invented myself are downright shitty, unhealthy and usually flat out dangerous. i really wish i would have done something like this a long time ago.

new things i am trying:
going walking everyday
deep breathing
guided imagery (relaxation technique)
music therapy
getting fresh air and enjoying the beauty of nature

things i want to try:
accupressure
botox
aromatherapy
biofeedback

i am really hoping that my new psych will refer me to a relaxation class that includes learning biofeedback. the class is an hour away but who the hell cares? i am wanting to go anyway....

so these are the things that have been rolling around in my brain, disturbing me quite a lot and i haven't wanted to talk about them...until now.

so there ya have it!

remembering 9/11

i could tell you what i was doing when the twin towers fell.

i could tell you who i was with, what i thought and how i felt.

but i will save that for another day....

i will tell you this, it's when i realized that the lives of all Americans had changed forever....

you may be wondering why a picture of my son would represent 9/11 for me....

i didn't lose a loved one
i didn't lose a friend
i don't know anyone who was there
i have never been to NYC or to the east coast for that matter

but my life has changed since 9/11, and if you are an American, or even if you are not, your world has changed too.

i was mesmerized by the news during that time and really felt bad for what was happening. i knew that things would change, that things had changed, but i didn't know how or when.

then, one day i made a trip to the public library. i wanted to rent a movie but forgot my card at home. normally, i would just tell them my name, they would type it into the computer, and off i'd go.

but not this day, and not since....

the public library wanted to see my i.d. to rent the movie. and, they said they wouldn't rent to me anymore unless i HAD my card.

what was all the security over renting a movie? why should i have to prove who i was to check something out at the public library?

right then it hit me, my world had changed. just like i would never know a time that there were horses and carriages instead of cars, my kids would never know a time that didn't involve security of all kinds.

do i resent the change? of course not, we are all aware that evil exists and we need to take measures to keep people safe.

but its sad....because the innocence is gone. the innocence of trust and being relaxed.

it is gone.....

my children will read about it in books, learn about it in school, and watch movies. but they won't truly understand how things are different. how the world changed on one day.

and i realized all of this at the library...

humility: the state or quality of being humble

humility, quite different from being humiliATEd.

this is one of the qualities i love most about my husband. it is a piece of his character that is unmoveable and unchangeable.

the opposite of humility is pride and conceitedness. this is the thing that he finds most difficult to tolerate in others. it's not just a pet peeve, it's something that disgusts him.

mine is truthfulness. i have a really high value for the truth. lie to me, and i will have a difficult time trusting you again. i just can't stand it. and, i think that's one of the things my husband likes most about me.

*what made me think of all this? this praying mantis. i have never seen one before in the wild, let alone where i live. we saw it at my brother-in-law's this weekend for our annual Dawktor family "tennis tournament" weekend. the kids found it and were soooo fascinated by it. of course, i had to get some pictures. i think the shots i got of this guy are some of the best macro pics i've ever done. i am so glad they turned out good, because i've noticed things about this guy that i couldn't see with my naked eye, not until i looked at the photo.

aren't his eyes cool? and i love his bended legs. like he really is praying....i'm sure that's how he got his name!

i really felt that this depicted him in a state of humility, in an attitude of prayer. here are some more of this cool looking dude:

i'm afraid this is my future....

oh my GOSH! i must be so bored or way too tired. but i decided to do a search on youtube for funny dancing.

this is what i found. my boys do the booty spanking thing WAY TOO MUCH and i KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that this is my future!

run in fear people. i thought only girls were this silly....

Getting Funky on the Dance Floor

TSE dancing to five for fighting's new song. I tried to video PapaD, he was acting like a real corn ball. but he stopped when he saw me turn the video on.

after TSE was done he asked if i was going to put it on my blog...

SPF & i'm now blogging in beta!!

you heard it right folks, i am now blogging in BETA!!!!

this week's SPFhas no thing. Kristine wants us to post our support, our sacrifice and something red.

1)my support:
I was going to say my husband supports me (yada, yada..everyone will say that right?) but i should probably show something that i/we help with that's philanthropic. so........we are going to Thailand in January. we, meaning my hubs, daughter and i. our church supports an orphanage for children that come from the hill tribes of northern thailand. some are orphans, some have only one parent, but all cannot go to school in this remote area. so some live there just for that. we will visit these children, some young women escaping a future life of prostitution who are going to school for the first time, some young people who our church members are paying for their high school and college educations and an old woman who takes in anyone. since i haven't been there yet, i don't have my own photo to post so here's one i've borrowed from the web. please go view this, many of the tribal children we will see are from the Karen tribe who populate northern thailand and burma. http://flickr.com/photos/ciskatobing/74309359/

2)my sacrifice: last sunday was our church picnic and baptism gathering @ a private residence on the Columbia River. it is an annual event, but i have never attended. a man that i used to attend youth group with in high school was getting baptized, and i was very excited about that. in my zealousness for getting the perfect shot of this special event, i forgot my cell phone was in my pocket. right after he went under and came back up, these big waves started hitting the shore and jostled us around. that was pretty cool....anyway...on my pastor's advice i let my cellphone dry out before i powered it back up. it works, barely, and i have no more screen! but at least i can make and recieve calls! to see his baptism photos you will have to go to my flickr page, but here's my favorite one of the set.


3)something red:
need i say more? *red has always been my favorite color!


Did you play?

5 weird things about me...

i know this picture is blurry but this old lady looked so hillarious i had to put it up, imperfections and all....
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

Lawanda has tagged me for the weird me meme.

Here are the rules: List 5 weird things about yourself or your pets. Tag 5 friends and list them. Then, those people need to write on their blogs about 5 weird things, and state the rules, and tag 5 more people. Dont forget to let the people you tag know by posting a comment on their blog!

I tag: Jana, Donna K, Alison Koh, Sthrn by Grace and Tee.

Weird Fact #1: i love peanut butter. i put peanut butter and white cream cheese on my bagels. i eat peanut butter & syrup on my french toast, waffles and pancakes. i like peanut butter and apples, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream. my hubs think it is WEIRD to eat peanut butter in the morning, but any hour of the day is fine with me!

Weird Fact #2: i hate ironing. my husband has to dress nice for work everyday, he works for our county and has a desk job. he doesn't have to wear a suit and tie, but dress pants and shirts. I DO NOT IRON THEM! he has finally resorted to buying wrinkle free everything as he was going to work with wrinkley clothes WAY TOO OFTEN! it's probably not weird to hate ironing but weird to let your hubs go to work looking like a slob!

Weird Fact #3: i love the smell of gasoline, rubber cement, permanent markers and white out. when i was really little i used to go with my dad to the gas station and hang my head out the window while he filled up! when i was in grade school i used to sniff the rubber cement during Camp Fire Girl Meetings. When i was in High School i could sometimes be caught sniffing my white out!

for proof, go to stephjaychrisben's photo of me in high school here: http://flickr.com/photos/51753925@N00/202560159/

Weird Fact #4: i hate flossing my teeth. i never do it!

Weird Fact #5: i plant flowers and never water them.

O.K., i hope you'll play too!

on being thankful

Water Balloon
Originally uploaded by 3rd foundation.

so being thankful is something i'm not that good at. it's surely not an automatic response, as it rarely occurs.

and this most beautiful lady was teaching tonight at church. the kind that makes you want to barf. the kind that looks like she has NO problems....but then i have to remember that she's a PERSON and all people have PROBLEMS!

anyway, she was talking about being thankful, and i was thinking...yah right lady. go ahead and be thankful!

but then tonight happened.

i don't know if i have ever come right out and said it before, but i have been diagnosed bipolar II. there's a lot i could say about that, but won't. what i do want to say, is that it can be awfully hard to live with someone whose emotions are more powerfully expressed and driven more strongly than most. it can be awfully hard to experience these pressingly strong emotions. it can be awfully hard to have a parent or a child whose moods fluctuate and aren't always based in logic or reason.

so why would that make me thankful?

because i have a husband that sees me TRYING even if i am imperfect or fail miserably.

because i have a husband that forgives some sometimes severe abuse i throw his way.

because i have children that are beautiful, smart, compassionate and caring.

because i can understand people that others are confused by.

because even though i sometimes experience negative emotions in a very powerful way, i can experience good ones in a similarly intense manner.

because i can be absorbed by things that interest me and get lost in the imaginative creative thoughts of my mind.

because i have found a passion in photography again which has allowed me to find beauty and art in everyday things.

because i know i can hate God, be angry with him, call him names, tell him to *F! off and that he understands and is patient with me, and knows i have faith to withstand my anger and confusion with him.

because i love people, and people need to be loved.

because i can make mistakes, and still be forgiven.

because the more i try, the better i get. that old habits can be broken and new, better behaviors can become more automatic.

because i can be.......thankful that is, even if life is messy.

First Day of Kindergarten

today it was official! all three of my kids are in school! i had a morning free to myself and i didn't even have to pay a babysitter.

wahoo!

the kids were so excited this morning. especially the boys. they could hardly contain themselves! all three got to eat breakfast @ school, as meyers d had to be there early for safety patrol.

after i dropped them off i went to get starbucks for big daddy p's mom and i. the principal was hosting a coffee klatch for all the parents to visit with each other. but we didn't want the regular brew!

afterwards, i came home and got the dog and went for a walk. there's a walking path about a mile from my house. there's also a 4 mile lake in the middle of town. so my plan is to start walking every morning after they go to school.

no more excuses for not exercising! it has always been because of the kids, and now that i have FREE babysitting, no more excuses for me!

soon i will be starting a flickr set of photos of things i see on my walks. and, it will be good exercise for the dog.

the longest beach in the world

the parade of flags
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

well, the longest beach in the world just hosted the largest kite festival in the world! we had a great time in longbeach, washington for my birthday!

there were lots of people, but it wasn't as crazy as i thought it was going to be.

i can't believe that i have never gone to this event before. it was so fabulous, and such marvelous weather for us.

as soon as we got on the boardwalk, i told max-ay to look for his friend big daddy p and his family. of course, this was just to keep him occuppied because it wasn't like we were actually going to bump into them with all the thousands of people. well we no more than got on the stairs to start the approach on the beach and big daddy p comes running up!

that was a super fabulous surprise. so we met back up with them in the evening, went to their little vacation house and had hot dogs and watched the fireworks together before heading back home.

woohoo!

as soon as we got on the beach, we were so hungry that even meyers d and i resorted to eating cold hot dogs! blaugh! but they were delish!

we went and looked at all the booths with things for sale, and found that the Illwaco HighSchool sports team was raising money for athletics by selling dinners. we got 4lbs. of steamer clams for $20 and an ear of super buttery corn each. i haven't posted those pics yet up on flickr but i'll let you know when i do!

we saw the world's record holder kite flyer man who is over 80 years old. he has a smokin' hot tan, so old ladies, watch out! still am working on those pics too.

all in all, it was definitely one of my top ten bdays of all time, if not higher. flying in a 4 seater plane to go to dinner in Scapoose, Oregon, flying home at sunset....that had to be #1, but this comes pretty dang close to that!

this is how i look on the morning i've turned thirty-five

this is how i look on the morning i've turned thirty-five
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

so today's my thirty-fifth birthday. last night my parents took us to dinner at a mexican restaraunt. it was really great! papa d and i shared shrimp fajita and tse had quesadilla, while the other two had beef burritos.

poppies (my dad) bought 3 quacamoles to go with the chips & salsa they brought us. max-ay was running out and said, "I want more mockamole!" it was pretty funny.

after dinner i got up out of my chair, tse gave me a BIIIIIGGGG hug and said, "you're sweet.......AND SOUR!"

don't ask me where they get this stuff, really!

at bedtime when they said their prayers, max-ay and meyers d both prayed for me and thanked God that i was born. now how stinkin' sweet is that?!

this morning i laid in bed about as long as is humanly possible for me, got attacked by my kids and hubby, downloaded the pics off my memory card, posted this and a few other birthday dinner pics on flickr and now we are off to the store.

going to buy some hot dogs, buns, s'more supplies, doughnuts (for my birthday breakfast), starbucks coffee (because i DESERVE it) and head off to long beach, washington to see the kite festival. only a little over an hour away and i don't think we've ever been. should be fabulous, besides the thousands of people and kits, for playing and taking hundreds of pictures. whoopee! sounds like heaven to me.........

Glorious Heaven on Earth - Rialto Beach, Washington

self-portrait @ low tide
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

this is soooo way long overdue. sorry folks. i've been flickering my photos (amongst laundry and getting kids ready to start school next week). i've had a couple make it to explore so i've been having fun tracking that!

this photo has had 380 views in like two days. i've never had a photo do that well, that fast. here's the other:


anywho, on with camping.

it was a four hour trip from our home and we left at 4:30 a.m. the kids were so great about it, and only TSE slept on the way, they were just too jacked up!

i had iced my leg and knee @ bedtime and taken some tylenol. i was a little sore after walking a mile but took some more tylenol. after that, i was A OK!

also, no headaches, not even pills to ward one off. woohoo! really, since my trip to the doctor for i.v. meds, i've only had to treat two headaches and they've gone away right away. could i be onto something here? i dare not think about it!!!

so the kids were loaded up with their packs and looking super cute. they had such good attitudes about packing stuff!


the first day was heavy with sea fog, but near dusk, the fog started to burn off and the most amazing rocks began to appear, that we couldn't see earlier! also, we had a spectacular sunset.



we camped right above the high tide mark, and were able to have a fire right on the beach. it was cold, but not as cold as i thought it was going to be, and never miserable. we got only a trace of rain, just the heavy sea fog would accumulate in the trees, and big drops would fall. but nothing to put a damper on our fun.

we were lulled to sleep by the sound of the waves crashing right below us, and there was about an hour, where the stars were brilliant and i saw a massive shooting star.

more info later. feel free to click on any photo and view the set on flickr. if you have a flickr profile, let me know and i'll add you as a friend contact so you can see all the photos on my flickr stream. i've had to make all the kids' photos private because of pesky perverts!

see ya after my camping trip

see ya after my camping trip
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

oh yeah! my coumpa is made, my coffee cake is made, my eggs are scrambled and in a bag, my clothes are loaded, the kids are ready and hopefully going to sleep soon, my husband finally packed....

now, just to make sure i wake up at 4a.m.!!!

i am happy to report that the headaches i was so worried about have not plagued me this week. i am really hopeful and encouraged for this weekend, even though my doctor won't refill my percocet!

~i must have a lot of confidence. no actually, i was barely getting one this week, and took a combination of three things he wanted me to try and it really helped, and so far hasn't come back. that's 5 days straight feeling good, and it's been a while since i've had a stretch like that!

you'll never believe it, and i seriously hope you don't think i'm a major whiner, but i did something this afternoon that i've never done before.

bad karma....

i was getting out of my van at my mom's house, and i turned my left leg to get out, and i strained my knee. after i few minuites i could tell that i strained a groin muscle as well. i have never done that! what seriously bad timing. i was hoping to be so hopeful, hoping to make a couple of one mile trek's to our campsite packing our gear.

terrible timing. i'm going to go ice it and watch t.v. while i wait for my dishwasher to finish. i have to reload it and restart it and don't want to do that at four a.m.!!

***however, and i do mean this sincerely. i would much rather have a hurting leg than even deal with one migraine on this trip! shoot, i would even prefer to deal with kidney stones!!

here's hoping that you thuroughly enjoy one of your last weekend's of the summer!

The Priest a.k.a. my Grandfather

The Priest
Originally uploaded by cameradawktor.

well hello again.

this lovely priest in this photo is my grandfather. the photo was taken by my grandmother, who was primarily an excellent cook and caterer, but also a fabulous photographer. i have a few of her wonderful pieces hanging in my house. and i don't have much on my walls to begin with....

anyway, my grandfather is reaching the peak of his 80's and is not able to get around very well at all anymore. sometimes crossing a room tires him out, as he has extremely low blood pressure. so he is not able to do any of the activities he once loved. i've heard, recently, that he no longer feeds his precious birds every morning and evening, some by hand~ mourning doves, thrashers, cactus wrens, quail, cardinal, and more. i know that if he could do nothing else during the day, besides walk to the table for a meal or cross the room to use the facilities, the only other thing he would do is feed the birds. so hearing that he can no longer do that, or do it very often, tells me how very little he can do.

all of that to say, he is no longer working at a living history museum. my grandmother, who passed away the day after thanksgiving this past year, was always the active one. she was involved in church, making meals for a few dozen to a hundred people every few weeks or even every week during the busy "snow bird months" that happen every year in southern arizona.

my grandmother was such a powerful presence, that she could easily overshadow most people in the room. my grandfather is quiet, where my grandmother, most certainly, was not.

his silence, and his few words, which often came out cuttingly, forbade me from ever getting close to him.

my grandfather had two activities that were his own. he worked at a food bank one day a week, helping sort food at a warehouse for those in need, and the other was a volunteer position at one of the oldest missions in arizona. once a year they would have living history re-enactments. and with his wrinkled skin, and white hair, he made the perfect fit for the role as the mission's priest. i think my grandmother did a fabulous job capturing him truly looking like he was performing that function.

i probably love this photo more, that my grandmother took it, and that wherever she lived, i loved. so in that, i am so fond of it. but even though my grandfather came officially in my life when i was five (he knew of me even when i was born), we never bonded.

or i suppose i should say, I never bonded with HIM.

one of the last things my grandmother said to me, as i so thankfully said "see ya later" to her, is to keep in touch with my grandfather.

"he really loves you kids," she said.

i had never told her how many times he had hurt my feelings and angered me. i never told her that as she laid in the hospital after her colon surgery during her first cancer bout ten years ago, how he snapped at me, and hurt my feelings so, after i had talked to her on the phone.

i never told her any of it. and sadly, i doubt she recognized any of those feelings i had, or chose to ignore them.

so i did what anyone would say to the most precious person in their life the last time they would speak to them on earth.

i lied.

well, i thought for her i could do it. i could find a way to keep in touch.

but when it came down to it, i just couldn't.

calling her was always so hard because i was afraid he was going to answer. he is just one of those people that having any conversation, let alone a phone conversation with, is so strained.

i would think, really think, really hard....ahead of time; planning what i was going to say so i wouldn't feel too uncomfortable.

i tolerated him because of her.

after she was gone i guess i just decided to do what was true in my heart. why pretend anymore? i felt , deep inside, that all these years he had tolerated me because of her, tolerated, but did not love me.

about a month ago, i asked my mother how he was doing. she told me all that i have explained to you above.

then, she said something quite amazing. she said that grandpa wanted to make the trip from southern arizona to sw washington to see the grandkids and great grandkids.

my mouth just about dropped open!

first of all, because he can't get around anymore, and doesn't even sleep in a bed, because of his bad back. he hasn't been able to travel for years. it's been so bad, that when his son lay dying of cancer, he couldn't come and see him, let alone attend his funeral.

i knew he would come, if he could.

now, here he was talking about making a 24 hr. drive to come see all of us.

woah~ i thought.

out of all the grandchildren, my husband and i are one of the few that have made about 10 or more trips to see them in the sixteen years that they have lived there. i made two trips in two months when i found out she was having surgery for colon cancer. i made two trips in two months, when i found out she was dying and to attend her funeral. my husband and i have always made an effort to spend almost any vacation that involved flying, to see them.

well, honestly, to see her.

and she's gone. her presence surrounds the house, but she's no longer there.

but he wants to see us, i thought.

he's almost asking to see us....

i began to think that maybe i should go. my husband is going to pheonix with a friend in november for a golfing trip. i had wanted to do something special with the kids. we have never flown, that many of us.

but he was asking....

i began to think that perhaps i should make plans to do it.

this evening my mom said she had some news.

i said, are you pregnant? immaculate conception? mom's almost 60!!

no, she said your grandfather is in bakersfield, california.

i said, what?!

she said they left this morning and they made it all the way to bakersfield. they hope to make vancouver, washington (they, meaning my mom's brother and wife who have moved into care for him) to spend the night at my cousin's house.

i couldn't believe he did it! incredulous!

why didn't he fly? i asked...i mean, it would make more sense to fly, than such a greuling drive.

she told me that he was afraid of how long he might have to wait and how much pain and discomfort he would have doing that. the car they were driving reclined, and they thought it would be more comfortable for him.

amazing~ bakersfield. not here yet, maybe they'll have to turn around. or take a few days' break, but he's coming.

his granddaughter (my step-cousin) just had her first child. he will get to see her. he will get to see my brother's son who is about to turn 8 mos. old. he will get to see his other granddaughter's two boys. one he saw in october, at one month old. the other he has never seen.

he will see my three kids, that he hasn't seen in about 2 years, and maybe even my cousin from southern oregon with her three kids. and of course there's the cousin in vancouver, who has three kids as well. one he hasn't seen in about seven years.

i'm hoping that after i get back from our camping trip, he'll be here all safe and sound. that we will have maybe four or five days with him before he heads back to arizona.

if he's able to make the drive.

my mom is hoping that for most of his stay, he will stay in a special apartment at a retirement facility. a REALLY NICE retirement facility. she's hoping he'll like it so much that he'll stay. i doubt he will. but he may be so exhausted from the trip that he can't return home. i know his two granddaughters, whose dad died just about a year ago, are secretly hoping that he'll stay.

i am too.

i'd like closure with him. i'd like to know that i could accept him, flaws and all, and learn how to be myself, secure, carefree and ungaurded around him. i would also, if it's possible, to even feel loved. but perhaps, he's in my life, not to love me but BE loved BY me.

hard stuff, and i really don't know that i'm up for the task.

i'll have to fight off the urge to hang my head at first. not even so much as a phone call i have made since leaving him in december after the funeral.

oh, maybe a few cards and a few e-mails with photos attached. but i doubt that's hardly what my grammies was thinking when she ASKED me to stay in touch.

i think what i needed was an invitation.

to know that i was wanted.

saying he was wanting to come is as close as you'll ever get with a man like him.

i'll accept that.

and i'll let you know how our visits go. we'll see if i can be so loving and eloquent in person with a crusty old soul as i am with all the names without faces here in internetland.

you're safe. he's scarry!

now granny's a happy camper

Originally uploaded by Random and Odd.

*thanks to kristine @ www.randomandodd.com for allowing me to blog this photo!

i'm happy to say i'm able to blog a happy granny photo. i recieved a very nice telephone call not more than 10 min. after blogging my latest tale of woe.

i told jacqrojo that God must really finally be listening, and that i should get mad granny on his ass more often!

ha! sacriligous? naw...you just have a dirty mind, and are taking that statement places it shouldn't go........

ok. back to business.

i get the phone call.

i just wanted to let you know, she says (receptionist) that i talked to the doctor and even though we still don't have a date yet, we are definitely going to do it next month.

oh, i said.

this really is a new thing for us, and we have three other ladies that are going to get it. the doctor is going to schedule out an extra half an hour (i'm guessing that he usually doesn't work, 'cause he's booked out like 3 mos. in advance~). but we will definitely be doing it next month, she finishes.

oh, that's really great, i say nicely but not too excitedly.

yes, and i hope that helps you with waiting, and gives you some closure, she states, but more like in a question.

yes it does, i say, knowing that if i don't hear anything in two more weeks i'll be putting the pressure on again.

and besides, i remind myself, i have an appointment with the big man himself on september the 7th. and don't think i won't mention it! i will be expecting a day on the calendar baby! just because i don't work doesn't mean i don't need to plan!

fortunately i don't have any trips to china planned in the month of september, because if you don't think i'd cancel it for the damned botox, you've got a frick'n screw loose!!!!

*cheers!
*applause!

(i can hear your congratulations! ~ oh, you're not jealous i'm getting botox for a ten dollar copay are you?!)

Never Upset Your Grandma or the Cameradawktor

Never Upset Your Grandma
Originally uploaded by jacqrojo.

don't you just love this photo? my new australian buddie jacqrojo has this in her People are Strange set.

i just love this granny talkin' on her cell phone. to see more of jacqrojo's pics click on the photo or on her name to see her photo stream. if you love tulips you'll be in heaven. it is spring over there and she's gone tulip crazy.

well, i didn't blog this granny photo just because it's funny (which it is) or because it's black and white (which i love) or because some old lady is talking on a cell phone ( which is stinkin' butt hillarious), but because she is hot steamin' mad!

well, it's been about a month since i got my insurance to approve botox as a migraine treatment and my neurologist won't schedule me for the procedure. i've called about three times, and they've called once. their approach has been, when we set up a day, we'll call YOU.

in otherwords, don't bother us. well, that just doesn't cut it for me. it is very hard to wait, let alone when you are not given any reason.

my therapist asked about the botox last week and i said i hadn't had it yet. you'd a thought she'd look like this old granny! she said that was unacceptable to not be given any explanation and for it to take so long. she encouraged me to be the "squeaky wheel that gets greased." ARGHHHH!!!

so yesterday when i saw my primary care doctor, i was hoping that HE would call and put on the pressure. nope! he passed the buck to me. so this morning about nine thirty a.m., my stomache was just churning with the thought of calling them again.

but, i'm worth it, i thought.

you deserve an explanation, i said to myself.

this is your right as a patient, to ask for a little clarification, i reminded myself.

ughhh!

my heart was POUNDING! (i hope i don't get a migraine from this, i thought. Day #2 pain free!!!)

so the little lady, renee, gets on the line and i ask to speak to the doctor. i try to sound as low key and as sickeningly sweet as possible. I DO NOT want to shoot my help in the foot.......

what do you want to talk to him about, she says.

about my botox treaments, i said.

well, he doesn't know when he's going to do it, she said.

yes, but i would like for him to call me, so he can help me understand how long i'm going to wait, so i can be prepared for how long it's going to take.

you've been so patient, she said. i know it's hard waiting and we really appreciate how patient you've been. ( i was hoping that she couldn't see that my face looked like el grandmo's here.)

yes, well i try, i said.

the doctor has three other patients, as well, that are waiting for botox. it's a relatively new treatment for us, so that's why it's taking some time.

(why didn't he explain this sooner when he said i was a good candidate? why didn't he offer me some other kind of drug to try in the meantime? geesh, it's not like my problem is getting any better. i mean, where' s the f'n customer service? oh yeah, it's medicine...there IS NOT F'N CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!)

~good thing she couldn't see me looking and thinking like granny~

this afternoon at lunch we are going to have a little meeting about it. and i will see if i can get him to put a date on the calendar, she said.

(DO YA THINK?!)

i will call you this afternoon or tomorrow, she said.

that would be so nice, i said, i would really appreciate that. (gooshing with sweetness).

*click*

fewf! i actually kept all my latent granny anger under wraps. and, i felt soooo much better that i had been an advocate for myself (which i'm told i desreve) and showed them that i care about the kind of care i recieve. (not that they really noticed that...but i like to kid myself that they do).

so, i spent about another 1/2 hour helping a friend who has chronic pain, and has just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. that made me feel like SUCH A BETTER PERSON because AREN'T I SO WONDERFUL, I HELP OTHERS EVEN WHEN OTHERS DON'T HELP ME!!!!

that really fed my self esteem bucket!

is there a moral to this story? who knows. i do know that it's 3:40 pm and still now call. woops wait.......i ran some errands, let's see if their number is on caller i.d., hold on here.......nope! dang it all, just some wireless caller (granny is that you?!) whose number i don't recognize. no messages either. darn darn double darn!

*p.s. if you love granny as much as i do, click the picture and tell jacqrojo!