forgiveness....or the lack of it

I seem to be terribly bad @ the whole forgiveness thing.

terribly bad....

I'm not going to kid around about it, and give the impression that i'm the kind of person who just takes a horribly hurtful offense and brushes it off, carrying on with the relationship as normal.

....just not able to do it.

And not that that's a good thing. Because, since I'm not able to forgive easily, I get a lot of anxiety with the person i'm having problems with. For instance, I could get a phone call and my pulse will start racing, I'll have to take deeper breaths, my stomache will churn and I'll even have difficulty thinking. It's a pretty strong and instantaneous response. It's not a whole lot of fun.

I will think about the person, see them, or even hear their name spoken and get the same feeling of anxiousness.

My pastor had a great point last week. That we tend to be offended by people when they disregard us and/or don't see who we are. I can think of so many times I've been offended and when you get right down to it, it's not so much as what the person said or acted like, it's why they did it.

So often I wish that people could see how they've hurt me and just apologize. Whether they agree what they did/didn't do was wrong, just apologize because it's wounded me.

It just doesn't seem to happen.

I'm really having a problem with a family member right now. I don't feel like I can tell the person how I feel because I'm so mad that I think I'll make the situation worse by spitting out the way I feel in a mean way that would involve a few swear words.

And why?

Because they don't understand me. And I ask myself why I care so much. Why can't I just say to myself: Oh well, that person just doesn't get me...that's their problem not mine.

Nope, I want to smack'em up aside of the head, yell in their face and say "how dare you..."

I've lost friendships, am losing friendships and having stress with family members all because I have such a struggle with unforgiveness.

I guess letting go of hurt is a process. I just wish I could push the fastforward button sometimes...