still no bo

i think i mentioned recently that my botox appointment was finally made. the receptionist, on the evening she called, asked if i could come in next Thursday (can you see where i'm going with this?...) and i said sure. so on thursday i took my neighbor some dinner, the one i traded cleaning my basement for making her dinners, then went to show papa d a project i've been working on.

when i got home, the receptionist had left a message which said, "I'm calling in regards to your botox appt. that you missed." Yup, you heard right....MISSED!

so i called back to reschedule and a different lady told me that the secretary would call me back. that was last thursday, today is tuesday. still no call back. surprised? absolutely not!

so today i called. i was dreading that because i knew EXACTLY how the conversation was going to unfold and i did NOT want to deal with it. however, there's no one to take care of me but me, so i did.

I was told that the doctor scheduled special sessions for botox and they did not know when he'd be doing it again. they would call me when he set up those days again.

I said, do you think it will be this month?

I don't know, she said.

Like i'm supposed to be satisified with that answer?! yah, right.

allright i said sweetly through gritted teeth.

*curse words racing through my brain...

i will not be trapped by these so called health care professionals. i'm not just going to suck up to their "we'll get to you when we get to you" type attitude. nope! not anymore.

so i sent an e-mail to the new guy i'm seeing and told them that there'd been a "misunderstanding" and that i missed my appt. i said it took me 2 1/2 mos. to get it and after calling 2x, i still did not have a reschedule and they were giving me no indication when they would.

within a few hours he e-mailed back and i am getting a new referral to someone else. i have no gauruntees when they will get me in but I DO NOT CARE. i will never do business with this other clinic again, and i will let anyone and everyone i know to do the same.

R U happy in life yet?

http://flickr.com/photos/15019649@N00/246230439/



this photo is by my flickr friend and contact jagrump. please click the link to go to this photo or any of her other photos. she is my friend and i couldn't get this pic in any other way. i'm sure she won't mind as i'm giving her credit. although i did find the rock, she just took the picture!

o.k., here's the scoop!
last night while making dinner i get a phone call from dr. no botox (well the nurse anyway) wanting to schedule a botox treatment for next week. immediately i start having symptoms of anxiety and can't think really well. i know, or am fairly certain, that my referral to him got nixed when i asked to see the dr. who specializes specifically in headache & migraine, but i make an appt. anyway to cover my butt.
i mean, i deserve that after being strung along for 3+ mos.
but when i get off the phone, i start stressing because i have no referral, and how could i get one in time? i'm convinced i have to cancel, and this could possibly waste his $250 precious dollars that he's so concerned about. and, she will probably ask why i'm not going to see him anymore, which causes more anxiety because i want to yell all the things i'm mad about, but then don't want to be labeled a looney tune.
so i really get in a funk, bad mood, stressed, worried, anxious. just the yucks.
until i start filling out the incredibly detailed questionaire from dr. swsih&m (get the initials?) i realize that this guy's going to be REAL thurough, something i've been needing and wanting.
gosh wait, can i actually get some hope in someone helping me? alas....
so by the time i go to bed i have calmed down and feel much better.
wake up @ 5 a.m. to go to dr. swsih&m who is 1+ hr. away + morning traffic. but on the way i start feeling anxiety again because should i ask him if he thinks i should get botox? and how will i get a referral in time? and what will i have to tell dr. no botox's nurse about why i don't want to see him anymore?....
i get in the appt. and he starts asking me REALLY SPECIFIC QUESTIONS. i am a little stressed because i want to make sure i'm answering right. because if i don't answer to clearly communicate what's going on, how can he help me? some things are hard to describe and there were so many medications to remember and how i responded to treatment...and what mg's was i taking with each one?
at one point he did not understand what i was trying to say and maybe i was insecure, but i got the impression he thought i was an idiot.
actually, after a while, i realize that he didn't think that i was an idiot. he gave me a few compliments about how i did so i felt reassured. fortunately the hubs went w/ me and spoke up about botox. he said i should DEFINITELY try it and that he personally would request another referral.
so, next thrs @ 1:15 pm i will get shot up w/ pig crap, or whatever they make that stuff out of. anyway, if it works for me, and i continue regular injections, it will be as my cool friend ian suggested, i will be the hottest looking 60 year old grandma (eventually) because i will be wrinkle free.
now that's something to look forward to, is it not?
also, i am still in limbo w/ the two meds i feel are interacting w/ each other, because i don't go back for another month. he will review everything i told him and read thuroughly through my medical chart.
*which by the way, has to be FREAKING HUGE!!!*
and make a definitive diagnosis. from there he will make decisions about how we will proceed.
(so skip over this part if you are a man or are particularly queasy about womanly stuff...)
the sucky part is i will have to bleed everyday for a month until i go back. right now it's pretty bad so i hope it will simmer down. at least i am feeling much better than i was.
in all respects, i should be miserable right now with the nature of my problems, but this past week, i have been breezing through. of course it hasn't been perfect but considering past history, it's been remarkable.
my friend stephjaychrisben asked if all the walking/exercise has been helping. i answered yes, i think it has. virtually 7x week for 5 or so weeks, @ 2 miles a day or more.
man, you should see my calves, they are getting rock hard in such a short time. wahoo! (nice to see results)
my pain clinic meeting went well this afternoon too, so much doesn't apply to me except that i share similar emotions w/ everyone else. but it was mentioned to me that 45 min. away there is an accupuncture place, that when you attend a group session, only costs $20. so it's something i might want to try in a few months, especially if it doesn't seem that the botox has helped.
these things i would never know about if i didn't go to the pain clinic, so it's worth my time. besides, it will reflect in my medical charts that i am trying, that i'm not a hypochondriac or a complete whack job.
*because i am convinced across my files that it says in big yellow letters (because i like yellow)
BEWARE, THIS WOMAN IS A COMPLETE WHACK JOB!
in answer to the question of the title to this post:
today i am very happy. i am encouraged, i dare to trust, i dare to hope and am quite ready to be thankful for such a small favor...to be taken seriously and listened to.

o.k., so i haven't posted in a while...

well, doesn't seem like anyone reads this anymore. maybe 'cause i haven't been good about checking anyone else's blog.

i've just been spending the bulk of my time on photography...surprise anyone?!

so, i haven't posted in a while. want to know why that is?

well, last friday i saw the neurologist. the one i'm waiting on for botox. the one i've waited 3 mos. to see. guess how long he spent talking to me?...

you probably guessed right...less than ten minutes. i was so shocked when he got up and shook my hand that i let him just walk right out of the room.

of course i told him my concerns with my medication, but he gave me absolutely no suggestions, not even the "go talk to dr. so and so about it" line. highly disappointing. do you think i walked out of there with a botox appointment? well, of course not!

then that day i had quite a bad headache, took quite a few meds to get it under control. soccer jamboree was saturday and that was a crazy day, but i felt so good that that evening we went to leroy and jenny's farm in grays river, took max-ay and tse's friends big daddy p and cooper, had an ABSOLUTE blast.

but, sunday a.m. woke up with a KILLER migraine and i mean killer. maybe it was 'cause i o.d.'ed on chocolate. shoot, i know better than that. soooo stupid! anyway, it picked up speed and the pain was absolutely out of control within a few hours. when my kids are walking around upstairs and i'm in the basement (we have a big house, 2800 sq. ft) and i am writhing in agony from the noise, then wishing i was dead...well, that's just a sign that i'm pretty bad off. duh, right?!

so you can bet that @ 10 a.m. when the clinic opened i was there in quick care looking for the i.v. meds again. unfortunately, one i.v. fluid bag and 3 meds later my pain was tolerable, but still there. i had the hubs take me to my parents (now that's a quiet place) had a bite to eat and took a snooze. probably only 45 min. and took a few more meds before my rest. when i woke up i felt perfect. very tired from all the pain and drugs but no headache. wahoo!

while in quick care the attending dr. had treated me a month ago. first thing she asked was "what's going on with the neurologist". i couldn't even talk for a few minutes because i was crying. she suggested i see a neurologist an hour away. i said good idea but i am more than ready to go to the headache clinic that is 3 hrs. away. she said it was MY decision what i wanted to do and that i should tell my primary care dr. what my decision was. but she HIGHLY suggested i see someone different.

oh, and i forgot to tell you that wonderfully polite neurologist actually asked me (because believe it or not i have improved, but with still unacceptable results) if i wanted to POSTPONE the botox. hello? like i haven't already postponed it? is he a freaking idiot? is he just lazy? does he actually not want to do it and just was seeing if we could bag the idea? since when is 2-3 migraines a week acceptable?

so as you can see, i needed some validation. the last thing i wanted to do is change neurologist. he has only seen me twice and tried one med. but....who is going to advocate for me but me?

so these are the things i've been mulling over. i decided that i am going to e-mail my pc about it and am waiting for my password to come in the mail. also, next week i have an obgyn appointment to talk about the medicine that is treating my menstrual migraines, and have found a new psych to talk about if i can increase the mood stabilizer/migraine med. i am doing all of this because the neurologist had absolutely nothing to say about this and i was hoping that he would give some guidance, imput, suggestions about this.

i mean, like i'm supposed to know what to do .... last time i checked i was the patient....

on another note i started a pain clinic. it meets for 8 weeks and i just had my second meeting yesterday. i am going to try to take as much away from it as i can. the one real interesting/helpful thing i have learned so far is this:

chronic pain, especially over a long period of time, sensitizes the nerves to pain. nerves become "hypersensitive" and are less able to block pain messages that go to the brain. this explains why two people with the same problem experience differences in their pain levels. i have had pain problems since childhood, so obviously my pain blocking capabilities and nerves are fried.

the goal in the pain clinic is to explore different methods of helping the body block these pain messages, identify treatments that at least help, and finally devise a pain management plan. since my pc quit filling my percocet perscription (ok, i admit, i did abuse it...you don't want to hear that story), but it helped when everything else failed.

i am hoping that the clinic will help me learn new and better ways of coping because the ones i invented myself are downright shitty, unhealthy and usually flat out dangerous. i really wish i would have done something like this a long time ago.

new things i am trying:
going walking everyday
deep breathing
guided imagery (relaxation technique)
music therapy
getting fresh air and enjoying the beauty of nature

things i want to try:
accupressure
botox
aromatherapy
biofeedback

i am really hoping that my new psych will refer me to a relaxation class that includes learning biofeedback. the class is an hour away but who the hell cares? i am wanting to go anyway....

so these are the things that have been rolling around in my brain, disturbing me quite a lot and i haven't wanted to talk about them...until now.

so there ya have it!