R U happy in life yet?


this photo is by my flickr friend and contact jagrump. please click the link to go to this photo or any of her other photos. she is my friend and i couldn't get this pic in any other way. i'm sure she won't mind as i'm giving her credit. although i did find the rock, she just took the picture!

o.k., here's the scoop!
last night while making dinner i get a phone call from dr. no botox (well the nurse anyway) wanting to schedule a botox treatment for next week. immediately i start having symptoms of anxiety and can't think really well. i know, or am fairly certain, that my referral to him got nixed when i asked to see the dr. who specializes specifically in headache & migraine, but i make an appt. anyway to cover my butt.
i mean, i deserve that after being strung along for 3+ mos.
but when i get off the phone, i start stressing because i have no referral, and how could i get one in time? i'm convinced i have to cancel, and this could possibly waste his $250 precious dollars that he's so concerned about. and, she will probably ask why i'm not going to see him anymore, which causes more anxiety because i want to yell all the things i'm mad about, but then don't want to be labeled a looney tune.
so i really get in a funk, bad mood, stressed, worried, anxious. just the yucks.
until i start filling out the incredibly detailed questionaire from dr. swsih&m (get the initials?) i realize that this guy's going to be REAL thurough, something i've been needing and wanting.
gosh wait, can i actually get some hope in someone helping me? alas....
so by the time i go to bed i have calmed down and feel much better.
wake up @ 5 a.m. to go to dr. swsih&m who is 1+ hr. away + morning traffic. but on the way i start feeling anxiety again because should i ask him if he thinks i should get botox? and how will i get a referral in time? and what will i have to tell dr. no botox's nurse about why i don't want to see him anymore?....
i get in the appt. and he starts asking me REALLY SPECIFIC QUESTIONS. i am a little stressed because i want to make sure i'm answering right. because if i don't answer to clearly communicate what's going on, how can he help me? some things are hard to describe and there were so many medications to remember and how i responded to treatment...and what mg's was i taking with each one?
at one point he did not understand what i was trying to say and maybe i was insecure, but i got the impression he thought i was an idiot.
actually, after a while, i realize that he didn't think that i was an idiot. he gave me a few compliments about how i did so i felt reassured. fortunately the hubs went w/ me and spoke up about botox. he said i should DEFINITELY try it and that he personally would request another referral.
so, next thrs @ 1:15 pm i will get shot up w/ pig crap, or whatever they make that stuff out of. anyway, if it works for me, and i continue regular injections, it will be as my cool friend ian suggested, i will be the hottest looking 60 year old grandma (eventually) because i will be wrinkle free.
now that's something to look forward to, is it not?
also, i am still in limbo w/ the two meds i feel are interacting w/ each other, because i don't go back for another month. he will review everything i told him and read thuroughly through my medical chart.
*which by the way, has to be FREAKING HUGE!!!*
and make a definitive diagnosis. from there he will make decisions about how we will proceed.
(so skip over this part if you are a man or are particularly queasy about womanly stuff...)
the sucky part is i will have to bleed everyday for a month until i go back. right now it's pretty bad so i hope it will simmer down. at least i am feeling much better than i was.
in all respects, i should be miserable right now with the nature of my problems, but this past week, i have been breezing through. of course it hasn't been perfect but considering past history, it's been remarkable.
my friend stephjaychrisben asked if all the walking/exercise has been helping. i answered yes, i think it has. virtually 7x week for 5 or so weeks, @ 2 miles a day or more.
man, you should see my calves, they are getting rock hard in such a short time. wahoo! (nice to see results)
my pain clinic meeting went well this afternoon too, so much doesn't apply to me except that i share similar emotions w/ everyone else. but it was mentioned to me that 45 min. away there is an accupuncture place, that when you attend a group session, only costs $20. so it's something i might want to try in a few months, especially if it doesn't seem that the botox has helped.
these things i would never know about if i didn't go to the pain clinic, so it's worth my time. besides, it will reflect in my medical charts that i am trying, that i'm not a hypochondriac or a complete whack job.
*because i am convinced across my files that it says in big yellow letters (because i like yellow)
in answer to the question of the title to this post:
today i am very happy. i am encouraged, i dare to trust, i dare to hope and am quite ready to be thankful for such a small favor...to be taken seriously and listened to.


so this post will lack substance

they don't call'em the rockets for nothin'

my long lost buddy old pal chuck croll invited me to take this quiz:

You are .swf	 You are flashy, but lack substance.  You like playing, but often you are annoying. Grow up.
Which File Extension are You?

if you decide to take it too, let me know.

long story short, it was a good week, pain was minimal and completely manageable. super great week.

the "female" doctor appointment went well, i'll elaborate more later after my headache clinic appt., and others later this week. hopefully we'll be coming up with a new little plan. the first one helped, but hopefully this one will be better. that's what we're hoping for. forward progress, slow but steady.

last night MadE's mom Amy came over for some major cleaning of the basement. was so nice to have help and now the house doesn't feel so overwhelming. in trade, i am making her four dinners, one for the next four thursday nights. that's her busiest night of the week, and she has went back to school, has 5 kids, 2 are in soccer, has youth group and home groups at her house. busy lady.

so she helped me and now i will help her!

i'm jazzed and hope she wants to come back in a month or two to tackle some of the upstairs. it was great hanging out with her too. she's pretty funny and its nice to have a girlie friend that's close to my own age, haven't had that for awhile.

tonight it's frozen burritos for dinner w/ big daddy p and his little brother coop.

oh, and i have come up with this fundraising idea for our thailand trip coming up in january, i'll let you know all about that soon.



o.k., forget what i said about girls not being as aggressive...

sometimes you have to push your weight around to get the ball moving...

hallelujah! Dr. J (the PC) just sent me an e-mail and said i could go to portland, or salem, my pick. just call and make the appointment. i was like....what? that was so easy!!

(that "it's OK" mantra i've been repeating to myself for days now was really true!)

*seriously, i was having so much anxiety about this on friday that i did this! positive self-talk...*

anyway, i called salem and evidentally there is no "headache clinic" as such, but a physician's assistant who deals primarly with headache/migraine just like dr. j had said.

guess when i'm going?

september 27th! and i don't have to go to salem, just to tualitain, but i'll have to get up realllllllyyyyy early. hopefully papa d will take the day off work and go with me, and maybe the kids can spend the night somewhere so they can get off to school. i know my parents and friends will help, this is a really big deal.

so wahoo! i am going to the obgyn this week to get her advice on what to do for the menstrual migraines. i'm telling her that i'm not doing anything until i see the PA. they can talk to each other if they want, and i see the new psych on the 28th to talk about the lamictal. hopefully all three of them will talk to each other. we'll see what the PA says about the botox since i still haven't gotten it and still don't even have an appointment.

oh man, i feel like a big weight has lifted off me. even though i always start off hopeful with a new doctor (even though most times it ends up being disappoiting) i think this is a big step. if he can't help me, they are going to have to step it up to another level and send me to the oregon health sciences university or something....aren't i so special?! *i don't wanna be special....

keep fingers crossed for me, prayers up, attitudes positive, etc. i say this to myself as well.


little update

I've been waiting for my secure password to come in the mail from my health insurance company and yesterday it arrived. wahoo!

I e-mailed my pc about the neurologist dillema and asked for him to refer me to the headache clinic 3 hrs. away and in the meantime, while i'm waiting for the appointment, to let me go to a different neurologist to do the botox.

wish me luck!

there is absolutely no reason that he should say no to me. i think he's great, and am sure there won't be a problem.


*(because there's always a but)

but....if he says no, well then i'll see if that quick care dr. is taking new patients and see her. if i can't i'll ask her who to see and see that person.

thanks for your support everyone!

yesterday i had a pretty bad headache all day. i took some meds for it and it just wasn't doing much for me. but i started applying some of the things i've been learning in the pain clinic. it seemed like i was "managing" myself all day, but it kept the pain to a tolerable level, and when it got bad, and i implimented something i learned, it simmered down for a while.

these tools didn't fix me, but they sure helped me cope. i have a feeling i might have ended up in quick care again if i hadn't tried some of these things.

i used ice for 10-15 min. at a time, waited an hour, then reapplied.

i used tiger balm, like stinking all day, and am sure smelt quite like a tiger by the evening.

i used guided imagery about 5x for 20 min. sessions each. this helped a lot and i think was the biggest help to me of the day.

i started my day off with fresh air and walk even though i was hurting.

i tried deep breathing about as many times as i could remember to do it.

the worst thing for me was going to pick up tse from school and running two errands. i knew i shouldn't do it, but did it anyway. i had been able to keep the pain down, but by the last stop, it really started to skyrocket and was much harder to manage after that.

guess i shouldn't let any reason be an excuse to overdo it on days like that. it's just that, sometimes, maybe it's pride, but you want to be like those people who just push through things and get things done. but it sure wasn't smart for me yesterday, and none of the reasons were good enough to do what it ended up doing to me.

lessons learned~


o.k., so i haven't posted in a while...

well, doesn't seem like anyone reads this anymore. maybe 'cause i haven't been good about checking anyone else's blog.

i've just been spending the bulk of my time on photography...surprise anyone?!

so, i haven't posted in a while. want to know why that is?

well, last friday i saw the neurologist. the one i'm waiting on for botox. the one i've waited 3 mos. to see. guess how long he spent talking to me?...

you probably guessed right...less than ten minutes. i was so shocked when he got up and shook my hand that i let him just walk right out of the room.

of course i told him my concerns with my medication, but he gave me absolutely no suggestions, not even the "go talk to dr. so and so about it" line. highly disappointing. do you think i walked out of there with a botox appointment? well, of course not!

then that day i had quite a bad headache, took quite a few meds to get it under control. soccer jamboree was saturday and that was a crazy day, but i felt so good that that evening we went to leroy and jenny's farm in grays river, took max-ay and tse's friends big daddy p and cooper, had an ABSOLUTE blast.

but, sunday a.m. woke up with a KILLER migraine and i mean killer. maybe it was 'cause i o.d.'ed on chocolate. shoot, i know better than that. soooo stupid! anyway, it picked up speed and the pain was absolutely out of control within a few hours. when my kids are walking around upstairs and i'm in the basement (we have a big house, 2800 sq. ft) and i am writhing in agony from the noise, then wishing i was dead...well, that's just a sign that i'm pretty bad off. duh, right?!

so you can bet that @ 10 a.m. when the clinic opened i was there in quick care looking for the i.v. meds again. unfortunately, one i.v. fluid bag and 3 meds later my pain was tolerable, but still there. i had the hubs take me to my parents (now that's a quiet place) had a bite to eat and took a snooze. probably only 45 min. and took a few more meds before my rest. when i woke up i felt perfect. very tired from all the pain and drugs but no headache. wahoo!

while in quick care the attending dr. had treated me a month ago. first thing she asked was "what's going on with the neurologist". i couldn't even talk for a few minutes because i was crying. she suggested i see a neurologist an hour away. i said good idea but i am more than ready to go to the headache clinic that is 3 hrs. away. she said it was MY decision what i wanted to do and that i should tell my primary care dr. what my decision was. but she HIGHLY suggested i see someone different.

oh, and i forgot to tell you that wonderfully polite neurologist actually asked me (because believe it or not i have improved, but with still unacceptable results) if i wanted to POSTPONE the botox. hello? like i haven't already postponed it? is he a freaking idiot? is he just lazy? does he actually not want to do it and just was seeing if we could bag the idea? since when is 2-3 migraines a week acceptable?

so as you can see, i needed some validation. the last thing i wanted to do is change neurologist. he has only seen me twice and tried one med. but....who is going to advocate for me but me?

so these are the things i've been mulling over. i decided that i am going to e-mail my pc about it and am waiting for my password to come in the mail. also, next week i have an obgyn appointment to talk about the medicine that is treating my menstrual migraines, and have found a new psych to talk about if i can increase the mood stabilizer/migraine med. i am doing all of this because the neurologist had absolutely nothing to say about this and i was hoping that he would give some guidance, imput, suggestions about this.

i mean, like i'm supposed to know what to do .... last time i checked i was the patient....

on another note i started a pain clinic. it meets for 8 weeks and i just had my second meeting yesterday. i am going to try to take as much away from it as i can. the one real interesting/helpful thing i have learned so far is this:

chronic pain, especially over a long period of time, sensitizes the nerves to pain. nerves become "hypersensitive" and are less able to block pain messages that go to the brain. this explains why two people with the same problem experience differences in their pain levels. i have had pain problems since childhood, so obviously my pain blocking capabilities and nerves are fried.

the goal in the pain clinic is to explore different methods of helping the body block these pain messages, identify treatments that at least help, and finally devise a pain management plan. since my pc quit filling my percocet perscription (ok, i admit, i did abuse it...you don't want to hear that story), but it helped when everything else failed.

i am hoping that the clinic will help me learn new and better ways of coping because the ones i invented myself are downright shitty, unhealthy and usually flat out dangerous. i really wish i would have done something like this a long time ago.

new things i am trying:
going walking everyday
deep breathing
guided imagery (relaxation technique)
music therapy
getting fresh air and enjoying the beauty of nature

things i want to try:

i am really hoping that my new psych will refer me to a relaxation class that includes learning biofeedback. the class is an hour away but who the hell cares? i am wanting to go anyway....

so these are the things that have been rolling around in my brain, disturbing me quite a lot and i haven't wanted to talk about them...until now.

so there ya have it!


remembering 9/11

remembering 9-11

i could tell you what i was doing when the twin towers fell.

i could tell you who i was with, what i thought and how i felt.

but i will save that for another day....

i will tell you this, it's when i realized that the lives of all Americans had changed forever....

you may be wondering why a picture of my son would represent 9/11 for me....

i didn't lose a loved one
i didn't lose a friend
i don't know anyone who was there
i have never been to NYC or to the east coast for that matter

but my life has changed since 9/11, and if you are an American, or even if you are not, your world has changed too.

i was mesmerized by the news during that time and really felt bad for what was happening. i knew that things would change, that things had changed, but i didn't know how or when.

then, one day i made a trip to the public library. i wanted to rent a movie but forgot my card at home. normally, i would just tell them my name, they would type it into the computer, and off i'd go.

but not this day, and not since....

the public library wanted to see my i.d. to rent the movie. and, they said they wouldn't rent to me anymore unless i HAD my card.

what was all the security over renting a movie? why should i have to prove who i was to check something out at the public library?

right then it hit me, my world had changed. just like i would never know a time that there were horses and carriages instead of cars, my kids would never know a time that didn't involve security of all kinds.

do i resent the change? of course not, we are all aware that evil exists and we need to take measures to keep people safe.

but its sad....because the innocence is gone. the innocence of trust and being relaxed.

it is gone.....

my children will read about it in books, learn about it in school, and watch movies. but they won't truly understand how things are different. how the world changed on one day.

and i realized all of this at the library...


humility: the state or quality of being humble

humility - the state or quality of being humble

humility, quite different from being humiliATEd.

this is one of the qualities i love most about my husband. it is a piece of his character that is unmoveable and unchangeable.

the opposite of humility is pride and conceitedness. this is the thing that he finds most difficult to tolerate in others. it's not just a pet peeve, it's something that disgusts him.

mine is truthfulness. i have a really high value for the truth. lie to me, and i will have a difficult time trusting you again. i just can't stand it. and, i think that's one of the things my husband likes most about me.

*what made me think of all this? this praying mantis. i have never seen one before in the wild, let alone where i live. we saw it at my brother-in-law's this weekend for our annual Dawktor family "tennis tournament" weekend. the kids found it and were soooo fascinated by it. of course, i had to get some pictures. i think the shots i got of this guy are some of the best macro pics i've ever done. i am so glad they turned out good, because i've noticed things about this guy that i couldn't see with my naked eye, not until i looked at the photo.

aren't his eyes cool? and i love his bended legs. like he really is praying....i'm sure that's how he got his name!

i really felt that this depicted him in a state of humility, in an attitude of prayer. here are some more of this cool looking dude:
portrait of a praying mantis


i'm afraid this is my future....

oh my GOSH! i must be so bored or way too tired. but i decided to do a search on youtube for funny dancing.

this is what i found. my boys do the booty spanking thing WAY TOO MUCH and i KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that this is my future!

run in fear people. i thought only girls were this silly....


Getting Funky on the Dance Floor

TSE dancing to five for fighting's new song. I tried to video PapaD, he was acting like a real corn ball. but he stopped when he saw me turn the video on.

after TSE was done he asked if i was going to put it on my blog...