arrgh, some things suck matey!

oh man, the last few weeks have been freakin' crazy. I'm going to be writing on my other blog most of the time now. It's a journal of my chronic migraines so I can track how they behave, how frequent they are, what possible triggers there might be, etc.

If you are interested, it is called The Dawktor Is Out! I may get back here once in a while and update more exciting happenings such as our church harvest party (click the photo to see more photos of it). But like I said, I will be posting daily @ my other blog.

forgiveness....or the lack of it

I seem to be terribly bad @ the whole forgiveness thing.

terribly bad....

I'm not going to kid around about it, and give the impression that i'm the kind of person who just takes a horribly hurtful offense and brushes it off, carrying on with the relationship as normal.

....just not able to do it.

And not that that's a good thing. Because, since I'm not able to forgive easily, I get a lot of anxiety with the person i'm having problems with. For instance, I could get a phone call and my pulse will start racing, I'll have to take deeper breaths, my stomache will churn and I'll even have difficulty thinking. It's a pretty strong and instantaneous response. It's not a whole lot of fun.

I will think about the person, see them, or even hear their name spoken and get the same feeling of anxiousness.

My pastor had a great point last week. That we tend to be offended by people when they disregard us and/or don't see who we are. I can think of so many times I've been offended and when you get right down to it, it's not so much as what the person said or acted like, it's why they did it.

So often I wish that people could see how they've hurt me and just apologize. Whether they agree what they did/didn't do was wrong, just apologize because it's wounded me.

It just doesn't seem to happen.

I'm really having a problem with a family member right now. I don't feel like I can tell the person how I feel because I'm so mad that I think I'll make the situation worse by spitting out the way I feel in a mean way that would involve a few swear words.

And why?

Because they don't understand me. And I ask myself why I care so much. Why can't I just say to myself: Oh well, that person just doesn't get me...that's their problem not mine.

Nope, I want to smack'em up aside of the head, yell in their face and say "how dare you..."

I've lost friendships, am losing friendships and having stress with family members all because I have such a struggle with unforgiveness.

I guess letting go of hurt is a process. I just wish I could push the fastforward button sometimes...

seizures and stuff

Last night i suddenly, and i mean suddenly came down with the flu. woke up this a.m. and still had it. could've been worse but still very tired and achey. this afternoon i slept 1 1/2 hrs. after tse got home from school. lucky for me he's a good kid and entertained himself. i was watching hogan's heroes with him, and before i knew it i was out like a light!

fortunately i felt a bit better after i woke up, but i didn't go to max-ay's out of town game tonight just to take care of myself. about the time the game was over i got a call from one of the mom's and she said that papa d's dad was at the game, and that he had a seizure. they were going to take him to the hospital in the ambulance.

from what she described, and what papa d said later, it sounds like it was a pretty rough one. so i farmed all the kids off for the night overnight and went to the hospital to be with my honey. they did a CAT scan and an x-ray because he fell and hit his head during the seizure. evidentally this is about his 3rd one in three years, the last one being 6 mos. ago, so hopefully maybe tomorrow we will find out what's going on and if there's anything that can be done.

pretty crazy stuff and hard for papa d to watch his dad like that. we are doing o.k. though and he is resting well @ the hospital as they have him pretty drugged up right now.

i'll post again after we know a little more about how he's doing.

jenn & jacob's wedding

Had a super fabulous time @ our niece Jenn's wedding. It was so beautiful and everyone looked great. She has 4 children (woops~I thought she had 3!!) and they were all so adorable. Jenn is Papa D's niece from his oldest half-brother. We don't see them very often so it was great catching up with everyone.

It was great to see our nephew Brandon too. He has 2 little girls now and they are sooooo adorable. Bailey is 3 and Marly was born in June. The both have amazing eyes and look so much like their mama!! We got to spend quite a bit of time visiting with them so that was one of the highlights of the trip.
He is pictured here with his wife and kids, and Papa D's older sister, her husband and daughter. Besides Papa D's Dad and his girlfriend, we were the only family memebers that could make it to this wedding. It's like a 5 hour drive, but was well worth it.
I'm so happy with how this photo turned out of my father-in-law. I think I'm going to give it to him for his birthday in an 8x10. This is his newest great grandchild. He has 7 great grandchildren now!

I took a lot of photos of the trip there and back home too, but i haven't cropped them up yet. I spent yesterday morning helping in tse's kindergarten class and then washed some comforters @ the laundry mat and then went and took some portraits of my nephew. fun times...!!

Fundraiser for Thai Orphans

These are the cinnamon rolls I made for my neighbor and her family. She helped clean and organize my basement two weekends ago and i am making her dinner, one every thursday night, for 4 weeks. Last night i made breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls. my cinnamon rolls didn't raise very high, either because i didn't have the dough rising in a big enough bowl or because my yeast was a little old.

anyway, the recipes can be found in february and march '06 archives.

more on the botox update:
i asked the PA neurologist to refer me to someone else for the procedure, since i was sick and tired of dealing with dr. no botox. within a few hours he contacted me to say yes he would, and within 2 days the new clinic called and schedule me for mid november. i didn't mind waiting because 1) i never want to go to dr. no botox's clinic AGAIN, 2) they explained that she does it every other thursday and that was the soonest opening they had.

I like explanations that make sense. I'm reasonable...

This weekend we are traveling 4 hours to Eastern Washington state. my husband's niece Jenny is getting married. she has three kids and this is her first marriage. she is a nice girl and we are excited about sharing this day with her. i'm going to take my camera but try to restrain myself from taking lots of pictures.

last weekend we got a free universal gym (big piece of exercise equipment). I helped Papa D bring it in the house and the thing was frickin' heavy. i think i pulled a muscle in my shoulder because it is really aching. sometimes it hurts pretty bad so i'm trying to take care of it. i really don't need any more problems!

I think all the camera holding and computer keyboarding has added to it as well.

tonight the hubs has taken the kids to one of the local high school's football homecomings. i should have went because my niece is cheerleading for the team and i haven't gone to watch her yet. i'm not going because 1) there's more tidying i want to do before we leave (we are having a past babysitter of ours house/dog sit for the weekend. she cleans houses and i told her to clean mine but i have to do a little first...trust me, i'm still leaving her some disgusting stuff!) 2)i have been trying to avoid my niece's dad (brother-in-law) for some pretty rude comments he's made about my health - to my face and not to my face - so i've been giving him the silent treatment. if i don't see him or talk to him i won't have to deal with the negative feelings i have towards his insensitivity. 3) it's kinda nice to have the house to myself! (even though i tried to guilt papa d into staying and help me clean up the house...)

so there you have it, the latest and greatest to CD's unfolding life.

wait, there's more. i forgot that i haven't mentioned anything about my fundraiser i am doing. i have made a 2007 calendar with some of my best photos. well, May is a picture that Papa D took, but the rest are mine!!

I got a local photo shop to print the calendars for $10 a piece when they usually charge $30. I told them that the proceeds from the sale would go to the needs we will be seeing on our trip to Thailand (with our church) in January '07. I am charging $21 dollars and am hoping to sell 150. so far i have sold 8 and have a few more spoken for.

in a few weeks i'll be taking them to my church to sell some, and i'll print out some flyers that they can give to family/friends in hopes that by word of mouth i will sell more. i may also go to a few businesses and see if i can put some out there.

they are really unique and i'm quite pleased and proud of it. they are printed on matte photo paper and are one-sided, so the photos can be cut out and matted or displayed, whatever, after the month is over. so the prints for each month are beautiful because they are actual photos.

here's what the front and back look like. if you are interested in buying some, e-mail me: cameradawktor@yahoo.com and we'll figure out the shipping. I accept paypal or money order, but can't ship until the money orders have cleared. my paypal account is the same as my e-mail address.

like i said, the proceeds will all go to thai kids that live @ khaodee orphanage, young people going to high school/university that have been orphaned or are from extremely poor families, and/or young women in their early twenties who are attending school for the first time (they would have been sold into prostitutuion). so besides helping out w/ food, clothing and shelter, it looks like some will also be going to education.

our trip is january 8-18 and i will obviously be photo documenting the trip and also the distrubution of the money I'm raising. if this calendar idea goes well, i will probably do a 2008 calendar w/ the photos of thailand and the kids, with the proceeds of that going back to them as well.

Here's a peak of what they look like. One calendar is 8oz. so shipping will not be too bad.


This is the first time that any of my photos have been for sale. and even though i am not profiting from it, i'm hoping it will encourage me to begin marketing my work. i love photography and have found it to be so extremely therapeutic. i'm even encouraging an old high school classmate of mine, who used to be in photography with me, to pick up the camera again. her family is going through an extremely difficult time and i'm encouraging her to capture the beautiful moments in life, in order to remember that there is still good in the world....

still no bo

i think i mentioned recently that my botox appointment was finally made. the receptionist, on the evening she called, asked if i could come in next Thursday (can you see where i'm going with this?...) and i said sure. so on thursday i took my neighbor some dinner, the one i traded cleaning my basement for making her dinners, then went to show papa d a project i've been working on.

when i got home, the receptionist had left a message which said, "I'm calling in regards to your botox appt. that you missed." Yup, you heard right....MISSED!

so i called back to reschedule and a different lady told me that the secretary would call me back. that was last thursday, today is tuesday. still no call back. surprised? absolutely not!

so today i called. i was dreading that because i knew EXACTLY how the conversation was going to unfold and i did NOT want to deal with it. however, there's no one to take care of me but me, so i did.

I was told that the doctor scheduled special sessions for botox and they did not know when he'd be doing it again. they would call me when he set up those days again.

I said, do you think it will be this month?

I don't know, she said.

Like i'm supposed to be satisified with that answer?! yah, right.

allright i said sweetly through gritted teeth.

*curse words racing through my brain...

i will not be trapped by these so called health care professionals. i'm not just going to suck up to their "we'll get to you when we get to you" type attitude. nope! not anymore.

so i sent an e-mail to the new guy i'm seeing and told them that there'd been a "misunderstanding" and that i missed my appt. i said it took me 2 1/2 mos. to get it and after calling 2x, i still did not have a reschedule and they were giving me no indication when they would.

within a few hours he e-mailed back and i am getting a new referral to someone else. i have no gauruntees when they will get me in but I DO NOT CARE. i will never do business with this other clinic again, and i will let anyone and everyone i know to do the same.

Pet Peeves

I guess I'm feeling a little fiesty tonight, or to put it more blunty, a little BIT*#Y. So I'm going to rant a little.

I don't know about you, but I have a few pet peeves. I'm only going to discuss two of them here, because they're the things I've been thinking about lately.

1) complaining about where you live, as if the city itself is "oppressive", bad, evil, depressing, what have you....

I really get annoyed when people roll their eyes and talk about the town I live in. I hate it when the name of my city rolls off their tongue like poison, as if that just driving through town will somehow seep into their pores and toxify them.

Balogna!

I think that people that use this cop-out are extremely short-sighted, and not very self-aware. A location cannot "depress" you, a city cannot change your mood, an area cannot give you negative thoughts. I think my town gets blamed for a lot of people's unhappiness with themselves and others, and their personal problems.

It's always annoyed me when people do this, the eye rolling and the exaggerated expressions, but lately my intolerance has grown leaps and bounds. Since I've been walking everyday, I realize more and more how beautiful this area is. I'm sure if I lived somewhere else I'd think the same thing. Beauty is always around, sometimes we are just not looking for it.

This is not anyone or anything else's problem if we are blind to this fact, it is our own.

I am amazed at the simplest things that are beautiful. The way the sun hits the water and dances off the underneath of a bridge, the way the weeds form seed pods, the ducks that swim in the sloughs, the leaves turning brilliant red/orange/yellow, the way a country road winds and how the walking path curves into another beautiful adventure.

These things have always been here, I just whizzed right past them. Many things I've been seeing lately I had no idea were around. There are so many wonderful people here, just as there are wonderful people where you live. The sun does shine, the sky is sometimes blue, and every once in a while there is a sunset.

If you are looking for it.

Anyone who drives into this town and immediately gets depressed has brought their own psychological baggage with them in the vehicle and chooses to unzip the bag the minute they hit the first stoplight in town....

2) *I could really get in trouble for this one depending on who reads this...
God will provide...

Sometimes, but not always, this mindset really annoys me. Now let me clarify something. I do think God provides. I'm a person of Faith and believe that God can and does help us.

But sometimes I think people use this term too flippantly and use it as an excuse for laziness and impulsiveness.

This statement can often be a big cop-out.

I believe that God gives us a brain, he wants us to use it. I believe he helps us to find jobs, which pay for the things we need, and to provide things for others who need it. I believe he provides people who love and care for us, and people who we can love and care about. I believe he provides safety, food, clothing and help to meet our needs.

I believe he provides us with a mind that's creative, that can think of wonderful and amazing futures for ourselves. I think He helps us, in all kinds of ways, to see these dreams made possible.

But sometimes, he wants us to help ourselves.

OOOOH, shock and awe. Is this heresy she speaks?

For example, maybe I have an idea, let's say its the upcoming mission trip to thailand that we are going on. I think God's all about this sort of thing. Does that mean that at a moment's notice, without a lot of financial planning, that I/we (my husband and I) think others are going to be moved to fund this trip? Absolutely not! However, does that mean I think that we shouldn't trust God to help us meet the financial demands of going? Heavens no!

I think he wants to work hard, in anticipation of going? To sell assetts that he has helped us acquire, because going is worth something to us. It's not just an investment of our time, but of our money. If someone else pays for us to go, where's the real sacrifice for us? Financial sacrifice is a giving of ourselves, that's just as important of an aspect as is the giving of our time. I think there's a satisfaction that comes, in showing your commitment to a certain group of people, or a cause, in the giving of your PERSONAL time, energy and money.

It sounds harsh, but I think it's laziness to just assume that God has given you a great idea, and that miraculously, poof!* everything you need is going to just plop into your lap by a magic angel/fairy.

This most certainly doesn't mean that I think we can't trust God to help us, it just means that I think God sees absolutely nothing wrong with us also helping ourselves. We're not brainless, we aren't incapable, there's nothing wrong with using these faculties to help work toward a goal that God wants to help us with.

O.k., now i have to end this note on a positive foot, so here's some pictures lately of some of the beautiful things I've been enjoying around town.






Can somebody say AMEN?!