i've been fighting it...

Well, I really have neglected this blog for a while, but maybe it's time I was more dilligent about posting.

This really is not the greatest time for me to pick it back up, but really, that's the whole purpose of my blog.

It's been sneaking back up on me, and i've been fighting it...but depression is trying to get a strangle grip around my neck again.

I say my neck because it cuts off my circulation which makes me quite lethargic and sleepy...which more than anything, is what i am fighting.

It started a few weeks ago. I had so much energy (which looking back was probably a mild hypomanic swing, because that's what it looks like w/ my bipolar symptoms) and I was getting great projects done around the house. Lots of painting, organizing, etc. I really am not a lazy person although I struggle w/ periods of non-activity.

Then my tasks started to get less easy, and I had to put mental effort into them and break them into smaller pieces. I told myself to get one thing done and I obeyed! Then I would tell myself to do something else. That's the point really, is that I started having to tell myself to get things done.

Then a week and a half ago or two I was starting my cycle. I felt really tired but and completely lethargic but I marked it off as all due to my menstrual cycle. And during it, I had to take numerous shots for my migraines and felt like I had been hit by a mac truck, but I slated that as due to the medications.

So when my cycle ended and I didn't return to my great old self, I began to realize that there may be more to this than mere sluggish-ness. In fact yesterday the ODDEST thing happened. I was having coffee with a friend and all of a sudden it felt like I had taken two percocet. My hearing was like it was in stereo and then as it subsided I felt like I was floating. My friend was really worried about me driving home, and honestly, I was too. But I have driven on percocet before, and I didn't have the kids with me, nor was it very far to go.

So I canceled all my plans for the day and drove home, VERY CAREFULLY!

I don't think I got anything done.

Thankfully, my husband doesn't care what state I'm in as long as I'm not in pain. So I guess that's a good thing.

I'm tempted to wait and talk to my doctor about it if it gets worse. But why would I want to feel worse?

I'm tempted to wait things out, because my downward spin always goes upward. So, if it stays this mild and my thinking doesn't get low, I could try to wait it out.

The plus to starting an anti-depressant is that I could start one that's helpful with pain and it could help my migraines.

The minus is that there's usually weight gain involved and I fear I've already put on a bit of weight. I know I have over the past half dozen months, but I fear I've put on more since the first of the year. If I start to feel really bad I will not have a choice, weight or no I have to take care of myself.

But, if this turns out to be mild like it has been and short lived, I may be able to get by w/out it.

Decisions, decisions.

But today I've just been fighting it....