on being thankful
so being thankful is something i'm not that good at. it's surely not an automatic response, as it rarely occurs.
and this most beautiful lady was teaching tonight at church. the kind that makes you want to barf. the kind that looks like she has NO problems....but then i have to remember that she's a PERSON and all people have PROBLEMS!
anyway, she was talking about being thankful, and i was thinking...yah right lady. go ahead and be thankful!
but then tonight happened.
i don't know if i have ever come right out and said it before, but i have been diagnosed bipolar II. there's a lot i could say about that, but won't. what i do want to say, is that it can be awfully hard to live with someone whose emotions are more powerfully expressed and driven more strongly than most. it can be awfully hard to experience these pressingly strong emotions. it can be awfully hard to have a parent or a child whose moods fluctuate and aren't always based in logic or reason.
so why would that make me thankful?
because i have a husband that sees me TRYING even if i am imperfect or fail miserably.
because i have a husband that forgives some sometimes severe abuse i throw his way.
because i have children that are beautiful, smart, compassionate and caring.
because i can understand people that others are confused by.
because even though i sometimes experience negative emotions in a very powerful way, i can experience good ones in a similarly intense manner.
because i can be absorbed by things that interest me and get lost in the imaginative creative thoughts of my mind.
because i have found a passion in photography again which has allowed me to find beauty and art in everyday things.
because i know i can hate God, be angry with him, call him names, tell him to *F! off and that he understands and is patient with me, and knows i have faith to withstand my anger and confusion with him.
because i love people, and people need to be loved.
because i can make mistakes, and still be forgiven.
because the more i try, the better i get. that old habits can be broken and new, better behaviors can become more automatic.
because i can be.......thankful that is, even if life is messy.
and this most beautiful lady was teaching tonight at church. the kind that makes you want to barf. the kind that looks like she has NO problems....but then i have to remember that she's a PERSON and all people have PROBLEMS!
anyway, she was talking about being thankful, and i was thinking...yah right lady. go ahead and be thankful!
but then tonight happened.
i don't know if i have ever come right out and said it before, but i have been diagnosed bipolar II. there's a lot i could say about that, but won't. what i do want to say, is that it can be awfully hard to live with someone whose emotions are more powerfully expressed and driven more strongly than most. it can be awfully hard to experience these pressingly strong emotions. it can be awfully hard to have a parent or a child whose moods fluctuate and aren't always based in logic or reason.
so why would that make me thankful?
because i have a husband that sees me TRYING even if i am imperfect or fail miserably.
because i have a husband that forgives some sometimes severe abuse i throw his way.
because i have children that are beautiful, smart, compassionate and caring.
because i can understand people that others are confused by.
because even though i sometimes experience negative emotions in a very powerful way, i can experience good ones in a similarly intense manner.
because i can be absorbed by things that interest me and get lost in the imaginative creative thoughts of my mind.
because i have found a passion in photography again which has allowed me to find beauty and art in everyday things.
because i know i can hate God, be angry with him, call him names, tell him to *F! off and that he understands and is patient with me, and knows i have faith to withstand my anger and confusion with him.
because i love people, and people need to be loved.
because i can make mistakes, and still be forgiven.
because the more i try, the better i get. that old habits can be broken and new, better behaviors can become more automatic.
because i can be.......thankful that is, even if life is messy.
2 comments:
What a beautiful post! I commend you for being thankful and seeing the good in a situation I'm sure is difficult for your whole family. There are so many people with less to complain about who have trouble being thankful for anything, let alone a list like yours! Blessings to you!
You are such a good example to me! I have a challenge I can't really talk about, but it's in the mental health area. I feel like life is unfair a lot because of that. But I have so many other things to be grateful for! Thank you for helping me to see that!
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