4.11.2006

How Controlling Are You???

This past Sunday, my pastor (I call him rocket man) passed out a paper titled "Mankind: Power & Control" It listed 88 controlling behaviors and was published by the Abuse and Recovery Ministry & Services in Hillsboro, Oregon. Their list was adapted from the Men's Resource Center.

It says this: "Controling Behaviors- Listed below are some of the behaviors that can be used to control other people. As should be apparent, many of the behaviors below are not automatically controlling, but can be used to control others. This list is intended to help you become more aware of your own controlling behaviors, many of which you may not have been previously aware of."

Rocket Man said that people control for 3 reasons: fear, anger and power. Thinking about it, I would tend to agree. I think all of the behaviors I marked I probably do/did because of fear and anger. Those two things are hard to manage, I think.

I thought it might be fun to turn this list into a meme or whatever everyone else out there in Blogger-land calls it. So if you feel like copy & pasting the examples and posting your own responses on your blog, leave a comment anytime and let everyone who reads here know you've played, or just send me an e-mail. Hopefully you won't run far far away (oh wait, you are far away) after you read my responses. Have fun getting to know me anyway.

Don't forget to give credit to the Abuse and Recovery Ministry in Hillsboro, Oregon because that's where this list came from!

So here goes:

1. Orders O.K., I'll admit I've given my spouse a few orders, he doesn't listen though!
2. Threats I've done this with my kids.
3. Promises I've definitely made promises to my spouse that I had little intention of keeping in order to get my way. Is that lying?!
4. Psyching-out/ mind games
5. Manipulating Doesn't everyone do this?!
6. Blowing up/going off the deep end Hate to admit I used to do this a lot
7. Physical illness/symptoms
8. Time-outs (when misused) I don't get this one....
9. Blaming
10. Intimidating I can't imagine little old me being intimidating (I am only 4'10")
11. Withholding I think I used to do that a lot, way too much in fact...I've gotten over it for the most part
12. Violence If you call dumping a full glass of water on someone and flushing your wedding ring down the toilet, then yah, I've been violent a few times
13. Yelling Maybe at the kids...not constant but more than I should
14. Going to a higher authority Did that once in a work situation, I was only 20, and I learned my lesson
15. Taking things away

16. Making unilateral decisions17. Vigilance/stalking/following
18. Being overly sensitive Maybe a few times
19. Wild statements
20. Over Protective ("for your own good")
21. Giving alcohol or other drugs
22. Making them feel sorry for you
23. Keeping the other person ignorant/uneducated
24. Using 'male privilege' ('man of the house')
25. Witholding sex/affection guilty of witholding affection, but not the sex!
26. Limiting access to items (i.e. car keys)
27. Monopolizing the time guilty
28. Dominating the conversation Terribly guilty, I've had to work on this for years and have gotten much better at it. I used to do this out of fear/nervousness and its really not a problem for me anymore.
29. Superficially polite/nice I could never be superficial about anything...I've tried but the truth slips out.
30. Handling someone else's belongings When I was much younger...
31. Rationalizing Doesn't everyone do this sometimes?!
32. Black mailing
33. Shaming
34. Apologizing Once, I can definitely think of one time where I did that
35. Walking away My DH is always getting on me about this!
36. Sarcasm Maybe just a little
37. Pushing buttons Who ME???!!!
38. Nagging I'm female, what do you think?!
39. Interrupting I have had problems with this and had to work at very hard. I've improved a lot.
40. Raising your voice HeLLOOOO!!!!!
41. Ignoring Yes, I've tried this and it just doesn't solve anything.
42. Using friends I'm not sure exactly what this means but I've probably done it.
43. Bringing up the past I really hate this one, I hope I don't do it too much.
44. Preaching/ questioning their faith
45. Looks/stares Oh yeah, baby!
46. Whining As I said in my 2nd post, I am the only one allowed to whine!
47. Using Children
Maybe as an excuse to get out of doing something, like I'm a busy Mom!
48. Changing the subject As often as I can....
49. Lying
50. Isolations Tried this, it doesn't work either!
51. Fear
52. Money
53. Getting the last word Guilty, I really like to do that!
54. Badgering Tried to do this to get my husband to marry me, but it didn't work. Well, not the badgering part but the marrying part did!
55. Silent Treatment
Really hate being on the receiving end of this one, but have been guilty.
56. Threatening Wasn't this also # 2?
57. Suicide (think they should have added attempt here.) This one is nothing to joke about and I think most people who make attempts or think about it a lot don't know another way of handling their problems ( i am speaking from experience here).
58. Giving rewards/gifts I wish I was on the receiving end of this one!
59. Giving the 3rd degree
60. Short fuse Sometimes...
61. Flattering OK guys, I do this sometimes. I try to be genuine though.

62. Requiting authorization/approval
63. Secret purchases
64. Defensiveness Aren't we all?
65. Impatience/hurrying someone Used to be so bad at this, but better. Guilty/Guilty!
66. Using scripture
67. Witholding finances
68. Dismissive sounds (e.g. 'tsk')
69. Contrariness
70. Argumentativeness
71. Repeating correction/negating
72. Unsolicited Advice I just apologized to another Blogger about this a few hours ago. Call me on it if I do this to you.
73. Sabotaging the car or other items
74. Taking/disconnecting the phone
75. Hiding items that don't belong to you
76. Playing the expert I think I do this and don't even realize it when I do....
77. Extended pauses
78. Rhetorical Questions
79. Talking down to I'm too short for this to work (teehee!)
80. Inappropriate humor
81. Physical size Not an issue for me (smile)
82. Posture that intimidates (e.g. standing up, getting in someone's face/space
83. Talking for someone My mother does this and I hate it...I probably do it too. Woops!
84. Requiring permission from you
85. Micromanaging I quit doing this long ago.
86. Back seat driving
87. Making fun of Sometimes, especially making fun of my husband and Dad
88. Making demands

3 comments:

alison koh said...

wow! very long list of meme. will have to think mine and blog later. thanks for reminding me of this.

Christopher Willard author of Garbage Head said...

#66, Using Scripture -- heh heh did he resign immediately because he suddenly saw his controlling ways?

CameraDawktor said...

Christopher Willard-
This was meant for self-reflection.

I get your joke though....