3.08.2006

I Was Going To Be Funny...

I was going to try to be funny...to post these pictures at different times over the next week and write something amusing about them. They all seemed unrelated and random except for the fact that I liked them...

Then I went to the grocery store.


You never know who your going to see at the grocery store. And I didn't even see her really, it was catching her out of the corner of my eye. But then I did a double take. I hadn't seen her in more than a year. Yup, I only saw the neck up but I'm sure it was her. She didn't see me looking at her, but I turned away real quick so that our eyes wouldn't meet.

I felt my stomache churn and do a flip. My heart started beating faster and I got a lump in my throat as I left the store pushing my cart out into the rain. She probably didn't even know I was there....or did she?

As I was driving home I was thinking of the post in my blog I could write about her, about seeing her, about how uncomfortable I felt at the animosity in our friendship. Then it occurred to me, "Why should I feel uncomfortable? She may not like what I said, but it was the truth. And if I had to do it over again I would say it....all of it...I wouldn't change a word or the loving feelings I had behind each one." So why am I feeling uncomfortable?

Right now, after seeing her and feeling this sadness so strongly, I feel like I need a defender. Somebody to say I'm OK even though I have mixed up relationships. Somebody that will love me even when I screw up and say the wrong thing....or even say the right thing but in the wrong way. Do you ever feel that way? I mean, feel like you need somebody to say, "GRRRR....don't mess with my girl, don't hurt her, don't make her sad....??"

I think sometimes as women, is that we want to feel like someone is on our side, ready and willing to defend us. Not to carry us off on a horse because we're unable to ride it ourselves, but to tell us we're right, that we're justified, that everything will be O.K. Sometimes the people we want the most to defend us are silent, and in their silence our pride and anger grows thick around the walls of our heart. How, then, are we able to recieve the support when it is finally extended to us?

I think that's what happened to my friend....those walls became fortresses, and then a compound. Those walls grew so tall that it pushed many people out and away from her life. Just when I thought I was standing beside her I told her the truth. I was true to myself and the walls suddenly pushed me out too. I can't reach her....I hope somebody can.

I miss her. Let me rephrase that. I miss what I thought was her. I don't like having an unraveled relationship with no way to save it but to kiss her ass and say everything that she wants to hear. I can't do that. That would feel worse than how I feel right now.

If I could have anything, right now, in this moment, it would be that she would call me. The phone would ring, I'd push past the fear when I saw it was her on my caller i.d. and I'd answer.

"I saw you at the store today and I didn't have a chance to say 'hi,' " she would say.

"Oh really?! I'm sorry I missed you. Thanks so much for calling me. I've thought about calling you many times and telling you how much I miss you and how much I love your kids. You have great kids, you know..."

Then she'd say, "I want to tell you that when you wrote me that letter that it really pissed me off. I still don't agree with everything you said, but I understand why you said it. At the time, I didn't think that a friend would say those kind of things to me. But I realize now that you took a big risk to say what you said....it took a lot of guts."

"Thanks so much for saying that. I'm sorry you were angry but I understand why you were...I just really appreciate you calling me. I want you to know how much I enjoyed it when you used to spend the day with me, and our kids would play. We'd forget about the time and I would forget to take my daughter to Kindergarten. I really miss that, I miss you," I would say.

"I miss you too."

This post has been edited by the author after it was originally posted. The author had much time to think about what she had said and thought it would be more appropriate to rephrase some of the things she said. This was her conviction. Having said that, the author stands by these words and will not re-edit again. If you are missing the church sign picture that was on the original post, come back again...it will come when you least expect it!

4 comments:

Doug Bagley said...

Love your honesty with us and the fact that you are comfortable enough with who you are to share your raw emotions with us.
Thanks

Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

man your life is wild
ps come over and hear my side of the story
dont believe my wife

AL said...

Curiousity is killing me to know what the main point of the letter was. This post made me miss some of my lost, but not forgotten friends. I hope (if you want it) that you two find each other again someday.

Adelaide Dupont said...

I hope she does call you one sweet day (from the Mariah Carey song).
Stay strong and wild.