3.15.2006

I'm Finding My Joy Again...

Joy: a. to fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure or satisfaction; b. to enjoy
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 4th Edition

I believe that there are times in life that you have to take a stand for what you believe in by refusing to let someone or something go. Often, others would have let go long before you, and people may question you about the absurdity of holding onto something that seems to want to let go of you.....that your efforts are pointless. Sometimes, you just have show your love by holding on for dear life, hoping and trusting that your commitment will pay off. This is not being naive about your circumstances, it's WISDOM.

I also believe that there are other times in which the only way to keep something or someone you love, is to let it go. People may see this as giving up, abandoning hope. They may argue with you that you should try to hold on longer, and may question you about your lack of stick-it-to-it-ness. But sometimes, you just have to let go, hoping and trusting that your willingness to let go shows a different but equally important side of love, called sacrifice. The sacrifice of the thing you hold most precious and dear in order to ultimately save it. That's not giving up, it's WISDOM.

However, it takes wisdom, faith and trust to know when to hang-on and when to let go.

Interesting.

Today I was reminded of this exact same dilemma I had about a year ago. There was a very important person in my life, a dear, special and precious person. I had been hanging on to that relationship for a long time, having problems with this person and not knowing how to deal with those problems.

I tried hanging on, but I found myself getting bitter, resentful and angry. At the sound of their name or the ringing of the telephone I would get a knot in my stomache. You know the kind of knot I'm talking about, like when your tummy is on a roller coaster ride and you are not at the Fair.

This is a terrible thing to have happen with someone so precious, special and dear. But it happens....shit happens, you know?!

Hanging on wasn't working, so I tried avoidance. I thought if I could only just avoid this person that maybe I could just get by...not ruffle any feathers, cause any waves, destroy any feelings or completely destroy the relationship. Wrong!!!! What ended up happening is that I was destroying MYSELF! I was destroying myself because I wasn't being honest, being truthful about my real feelings and the anger, bitterness and resentment continued to grow.

What's a girl to do?

I decided to let go. It was a difficult and painful decision to come to. Why didn't you try to fix it you ask? Why did you just give up on someone so precious and special? Well, I did try, a few times, try to be honest. I hoped for change. This was when I was hanging on....and it just didn't work. You can't make someone see something they are unable to see, you can't change anyone's mind about anything. Talk will only get you so far, not that I tried everything because I am weak, imperfect and extremely flawed. So, I decided to let go.

In the beginning, I really beat myself up about letting go. I called myself every name in the book and was torn up about it for weeks, maybe longer. Then, slowly, as time passed I was able to let go of my hateful feelings and begin to feel compassion, kindness and love toward the person that I let go. I think of that person often, and it is always with warm feelings, and the hope that someday maybe things could be different. I had to let go. God knows how hard that was for me.

It's been a year ago this week that I came to that decision. I'm very glad I did the hard thing. I wish this person knew that I am showing love to them by letting them go. I trust someday they will.

I have found joy again. I hope someday my joy will be complete, by being reconciled with everyone who I am estranged to. Isn't that what we all hope?

I'm finding my joy again.

3 comments:

DWJSDating? said...

Yes, I did like this post! A move would do my heart well . . . we'll see what happens.

I just ask for some wisdom, before my insanity takes over :)

Anonymous said...

Did you tell that person your wisdom or you just left without words and let that person figure out on his/her own? I hope it is okay to ask. I have a similar situation like you had and I have wondered what the best practice will be.

CameraDawktor said...

Anonymous-
No, I didn't leave w/out words, although it probably seems so to the person I am discussing here.

I talked about my feelings before, and feeble attempts were made at change, but in vain.

Also, by the way I had been treated in previous conversations I felt it was best to send a letter. If I had thought there was the remotest chance that my feelings were respected or at least listened to attentively, I would have spoken in person. This is/was the kind of deep friendship that warrented that.

However, as I knew this was not to be the case, which turned out correct, I felt a letter would be best.

So, to answer your question, I did not leave without words, although I'm sure it seems so to my friend.

Years before, I should have been more honest about my feelings. I was afraid, and was not. Really, in all honesty, most of the blame for the continuing problems in the friendship lie with me for being afraid and naive about dealing with them sooner.

I hope this helps.

Good luck.