SPF: Depression or Thinking About Auschwitz, However you Choose to Look @ It

Wonderful Kristine has opened her heart again and has willingly shared with everyone her struggles. You've got to admire that! She says that today's SPF is "sort of" based on Auschwitz, but for me, I think she has brilliantly chosen subjects that, in my eyes, speak a lot about depression. And that's what SPF's all about, looking @ subjects through your eyes. So check her out over @ www.randomandodd.com and play too!

Kristin said, "…but unless my depression is carring a gun, i will no longer be a prisoner." Eloquent words, great, awesome, brilliant. It's attitudes like this that movtivate you to function while you are trapped in depression's grips. But the cool thing is that depression doesn't always have to be a lifelong sentence. For me, I accepted the diagnose/s. Took my meds (and trust me I ended up with quite the cocktail) on the clock, everyday. It helped me function through 4 REALLY ROUGH YEARS. But so many things started to change for me, and as crazy as it was, I decided to start going off some of the meds, carefully, one at a time, and was perfectly willing to go back on if I needed, if my family felt I needed to.

Going off was hard, sometimes I had withdrawl symptoms. On one med it took over 3 months to get off, I had vomiting, it was a mess. But it wasn't helping me, hadn't ever helped me and I didn't want to keep taking it just because I couldn't get off.

Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm going into all this, but 1) I'm honoring Kristine's frankness with like 2) I think my experiences can help others 3) it has so much to do with why I'm going to post the next series of pictures 4) it's my blog and damn it I'll do what I want to, ha!

To make an extremely long story shorter, there's been many things that have helped me over the past year and a half. All of them were important pieces in the puzzle for me "coming back to myself." The best one, for you whose ears are really perked up right now, was a $300 device called a CES machine. That stands for cranial electronic stimulation, and in two weeks it transformed my life. Really it did. Check it out @ www.cesultra.com granted, I was really doing pretty good by then, but this was like the icing on the cake. I won't go into all the details of what it does and how it helps but please e-mail me if you want to know more about it. It may take me until next Tues. to get back to you because of the busy weekend but I WILL!! Definitely check out the link though.

Back to SPF. I think Kristine's choices were brilliant and have a lot more to do with depression than Auschwitz. Although nothing on the planet could ever compare to surviving Auschwitz, those that suffer emotionally can also be called survivors. There are so many obstacles to overcome and so many things for families to overcome.

1. Your suitcase/s or travel bag.

Now, when thinking about the time I was suffering, my visual (picture) would look a lot different. I think I would post a bag with a bowling ball in it. Because that's pretty much what you are dragging around with you while you are supposed to be living your life, and sometimes, I hate to say it, even while you are taking medications that are supposed to help you.

I'm not anti medicine, believe me, its just sad but true facts!

So this backpack is for hiking, 'cause that's what life is, a journey. In it I have my CES machine, naturopathic serotonin/norepinephrine/lithium supplements, my Bible (need to open that more often but can't take the journey without it), good walking shoes, rain gear ('cause in life there may be a few downpours), a cell phone to call my "ground" for encouragement when the terrain gets rough. Also, maybe my fleece blanket and a good soft pillow, because you have to be willing to rest, some of us need more of it than others and on a long journey you've got to take care of yourself. Water and snacks....I think that's about all that would fit in here.

2. Your ground.


Now I know I should be thinking literal here. But remember, I'm thinking about Kristine's honesty about her depression.

This is my hubbo, my ground, my rock. He has loved me when I was quite unloveable. He remembered the great person I was and never doubted I'd come back, even when I was sure I'd never return.

He reminds me that pain is only temporary, is my advocate for me when I see the doctor about my migraines (long story but I have issues people...with doctors), and celebrates my victories with me.

During my worst times I couldn't receive his support, I was convinced that everything he said was criticsm, the fact is, I really don't know how he did it. He says that he never once thought of leaving....I just don't know how that's possible...seems super-human to me and I probably would have left. Not because I wanted to, but I just don't think I could take what he took.


I love our relationship now (so much thanks goes to the CES machine!) We are more in love now than when we first met. We have survived something that tears most couples apart, we know each other better, we know ourselves better. I am really truly thankful for that.

*He's sticking his tongue out at me 'cause he thinks I'm only taking his picture because somebody in blogland told me to take a picture of their husband. I said, "No, I'm bragging about you." He probably still thinks I was lying. He never reads this so WHATEVER!!!


3. Something you are powerless to. It’s only as hard as you make it.


I used to think I was powerless over migraines. Actually, I used to think I was powerless over a number of things. Even though it may "feel" like I'm powerless over them, I'm only powerless over when they occur, and to their frequency. Even in my pain I am not powerless anymore. This is one of the things that has transformed my life and mental/emotional health. I will not just lay back and suffer anymore. I will scream, yell (figures of speech here) and do whatever it takes to get someone to help me. When I get discouraged my "ground" stands up for me.

Believing there's a way out (Trouble ALWAYS has a door) and having faith that things can get better, this is power in a powerless position.

(This is a photo of me trying a mentholated patch during a migraine. Bugbites @ http://spaces.msn.com/bugbitesblog/ saw a woman wearing these, asked her about them and thought I should try it.) It helps a little bit when pain is minimal so I'm glad for them but really I need the narcotics!)

So here it is, my thoughts triggered by Kristine. Have a great SPF and holiday weekend. Let me know if you played!!!!